By REBECCA SPARROW
I’ll cut to the chase. Last week I behaved like an arsehat.
I was out at a book store event with my splendid, 40-something friend Zoe when I took it upon myself to insult her. More on that in a sec.
Let me tell you about Zoe. Zoe is one of those people whose life is brimming with interesting. She works in the music industry and joins cool clubs and plants herbs at her community garden and takes fabulous holidays and embarks on country drives and speaks Italiano. So she’s the opposite of, well, me. ( I go to bed at 8.30pm and spend much of my time folding laundry and clicking on stories on the net that feature the words “Ricky Martin” or … nope that’s pretty much it.)
She also happens to be single which is a bugger because I happen to know Zoe would dearly love to be married with a baby on her hip.
So naturally when Zoe and I sat down for a coffee post-bookstore event, I decide to tell Zoe what she’s doing WRONG
That’s right, I started – uninvited – dishing out advice on what Zoe needs to do to meet the right man.
It gets worse.
My low point is the moment I actually hear myself saying (while shoving marshmallows in my gob), “I just think you’re closed. I don’t think you come across as open.”
It’s entirely possible I then trotted out something about “self-sabotage”. And then attempted to bully her into trying internet dating.
In other words: “It’s your fault you’re single, Zoe. Try harder, why don’t you?”
I know, I hate me too.
Of course at the time, I thought I was being helpful as all smug married people think when they are explaining to other people exactly how to FIX THEIR LIVES and have what they have (a life of laundry and Ricky Martin cyber-stalking). But when I got home I realised with horror that I’d possibly left Zoe feeling like she’d just been pecked to death. Or worse – made to feel like the fact that she’s single – and doesn’t want to be – is because she is living her life, you know, ALL WRONG.
Thank you, Rebecca “Dr Phil” Sparrow. No, really.
Saying to a single person that they should “Be more open” (or worse that ‘love will come when you stop looking for it’) is akin to saying to someone dealing with a serious illness that they “Just need to be more positive.”. Or like saying to an anorexic person “Just eat this burger, why don’t you?”
Could I have been more patronizing?
Sure, you may have a single friend who perpetually hones in on married men. Or cheaters. Or abusers. And maybe some thoughtful advice in those instances could be helpful if it’s requested. (After I complained to a good friend that the last few boyfriends I’d had were charmers and emotionally abusive she said to me “Next time you meet a guy and think ‘He’s not my type” … date him. Because your ‘type’ hasn’t been working for you …” That piece of advice helped me find my now-husband Brad.)
But Zoe is not one of those people.
And maybe the reason she hasn’t met the right person is – wait for it – because she just simply hasn’t met the right person. Hold the phone … maybe it’s nobody’s fault. Maybe that’s just how life is right now. Maybe she’ll meet some great love of her life tomorrow. Or next week. Or in five years. Maybe she’ll fall pregnant at 44. Maybe she’ll meet someone with three beautiful little boys who could do with a splendid step-mum.
Maybe she won’t have a child but will continue to be an incredible aunty and godmother to the tribe of kids already in her life and at some point she’ll meet a great man who makes her go weak at the knees and they will be entirely happy and fulfilled and speak Italian to each other on weekend drives through the country … while I fold the laundry and mutter swear words about them in Italian.
“If grass can grow through cement, love can find you at any time in your life,” said that famous philosopher, er, Cher.
Amen to that.
But this isn’t even about whether or not Zo finds love. It’s about the fact that Zoe is enough. Right now, today, she is enough. Splendidly single. And people like me need to stop treating all single people like they’re broken and need fixing.
Love is not a paint by numbers game. You can’t strategise your way into it. It happens when it happens. (Well any fool can be hooked up with a jerk — I’m talking about finding a terrific relationship). And as for me? Next time I feel tempted to give a single friend some unsolicited, unqualified advice, I’ll try shoving a marshmallow in my mouth instead.
Are you single? What’s the best or worst advice that’s been given to you on dating?
Top Comments
It's the fashion for single women to put on a show of having a great life and not needing a man - for some that is true, for many more (including myself) its miserable and lonely.
I am sick of the smugly married telling me what great company dogs are (as a matter of fact they aren't), to go and serve lunch to homeless people so I don't have to be alone on Christmas Day, volunteer (so I can spend time with elderly widows).... I am sick of all the cliches and of people thinking I am to thick to come up with these 'brilliant' ideas myself.
If I had to name the worst of many insulting and annoying comments it's for me to go church.... the fact that I am an atheist does nothing to deter people from pursuing this suggestion.
Recently I have changed my view on married men, in the highly unlikely event a married man showed an Interest in me I would have no qualms about going out with and having sex with them.
Married women have treated me like dirt for 30 years, showing their husband off like a lottery prize, marginalising me in the evenings, at weekends and holidays .... sure I'm useful for lunch now and then, as a babysitter so they can go to a party where singles aren't welcome, or to come over and keep them company because husband is away - these are the same women who lecture how great being single is when they can't stand two days on their own.
So married women stop being so selfish and smug, invite us to our next BBQ, ask how it is to be alone rather then tell us, don't criticise when we admit to being lonely, allow us to join in with your 'real' friends, ask if we would like to meet a single man, if we would make an effort to facilitate that, if you don't know any suitable men you could ask your husband and brothers if they know any we could meet.
You won't do those things though because you like looking down on us, you need to feel smug and superior, so don't whinge to me if someone shags your prize.
Totally understand this piece. Being 25 and having just come out of a 9 year relationship (highschool sweethearts didn't work out!) I have been on both sides of this equation. I think I probably used to say those mindless things to my single friends whilst I was comfortably in my relationship- never again! Now I have learnt it is better to not say anything at all after I have been told everything from, "You should be just taking it where you can get it to get your confidence up" to "You won't find any normal guys online" to "You should be online dating" to "You present yourself as still being in a relationship" to "You come across as much too eager". Its like we can never ever get it right. I have now resigned myself to just being myself and doing what I want to do, and the right thing will come along when its right- until then, I now just politely smile and nod and tell my friends, "You can tell me whatever you like, but I will do what I want to do anyway". They are learning!