by SARA MULCAHY
How do you cope? As a single parent, this must be about the most common question I get from well meaning acquaintances. Married friends (including my mother!) often admire how I manage. After all, they reason, it’s tough enough when you have someone to share the load so, really, they just don’t know how I do it.
At my GP’s surgery the other day, I fielded the familiar set of questions before considering my response. ‘Being a single parent is actually quite… ‘HARD’ he interjected, nodding in agreement with himself. Well actually, I said, I was about to say ‘fabulous’. He looked non-plussed.
But it’s true! Because the fact is, I’m not ‘coping’; I’m living my life and I’m enjoying every last minute of it.
Yes, being a single, working parent can be hard, of course it can. It’s certainly not like being young and carefree and only having yourself – and perhaps a small pet -to worry about. But any parent will tell you that. For the people who tend to assume you’re harried and hurried, in fact, nothing could be further from the truth.
My little boy has just turned two. (His father, my ex husband, and I split when he was just 6 months old and the two of them catch up once a week.) We have a lovely life. Routine is our friend – supper, bath, bed at 7pm – but we can be spontaneous, too.
We feed the ducks at sunrise, we climb into bed mid-afternoon to read books, we go on 4-day breaks to the sunshine in winter. Sometimes when we are out at, ooh, say the zoo for example, I look at couples who are clearly exasperated with each other, silently seething and wondering why they have to be there, and feel really happy in the little bubble of just us two.
Yes, there are definite advantages of being a single parent. You get to make the decisions, you don’t have to compromise your beliefs and you don’t miss a moment. If you’re in a loving, supportive relationship then that’s wonderful for all of you, but if you’re not, well, at least this way you don’t have to contend with the anguish of trying to include someone who constantly disappoints.
So please, don’t assume single mums are getting by against the odds. Yes I have to do everything… but then so do a lot of mothers. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Sara Mulcahy is a writer, editor and mother to a croc-obsessed toddler. She’s also the mumpreneur behind babyonholiday, a website that offers tips, blogs and products for the discerning traveller under two.
Are you a single parent? How do you cope? (Just kidding).
Top Comments
My husband of 6 years walked out completely unexpectedly when i was 4 months pregnant a baby we had tried hard to have. It has been a bloody horrible journey yhat i wouldn't wish on anyone.
I love being a mother and i love my son more than anything but i would never choose this for either of us. It is hard work and harrowing. You speak of being able to make all the decisions and being in control, that just means that your ex clearly is supportive of your role as mother and respects your child. Mine, he loves our son but in his shame he has become a selfish person. So he doesn't care about the needs of our son or mine, he just likes how being a dad makes him feel. He sees our son much more than once a week (and it's around his schedule not mine or his sons) and his sense of entitlement is very overblown and doesn't care if it is too much for our 2yr old because he doesn't have to pick up the pieces. And routine.... ha well that is hard to manage when his life through no control of mine or his is disrupted. He craves routine as do I but it is incredibly hard to achieve when you have another parent that isn't parenting but is involved and very opinionated and undermining.
To even go away for 3 days, even to see family; means a huge effort, money i can't spare and groveling to his father as he'll miss a visit and thus technically needs to give permission (thanks to mediation that didn't see the bullying and fear that was occuring and took advantage of my kindness and hope in my ex). Which most of the time is not worth all the effort and consequences.
I'm glad your experience is so positive but for many of us it isn't, it's heartbreaking, stressful, exhausting physically, mentally and emotionally. So please don't demean the reality of many single mothers when you are clearly the exception to the rule.
Wow.. so of course you're not doing it tough.. you're a single mum of a two year old and not working. That was the best time of my life!!! Try being a single mum of a 5 year old, working full time 8-5:30, said 5 year old is struggling with school and doesn't like OHSC and isn't making friends but you can't quit work because you need the money. Every moment on a work day is a rush to get ready, to get to school and work on time, work hard all day then rush home to get dinner finished by a decent hour then end in falling asleep while reading a story to your kid because you're so bloody exhausted even though you have a million other things to do, like clean your house for starters! You constantly feel guilty for not having the time and energy to do all those extra things and even see friends. I am sorry I am so offended by your post trying to say that being a single parent is not hard work and is fabulous. Don't get me wrong I absolutely love being mum but it is not easy and it is bloody hard work! Give yourself another few years, try working full time and then see how you feel when you can't sneak in bed at mid-day for nap.