We’ve all had them – those conversations where you nod vaguely, then later you think: “But why?”?
This was mine.
A close mate, who doesn’t have children, had caught up with a mutual friend. It didn’t go well.
“You know what it’s like when she’s got the kids,” she said, lowering her voice to a level where I had to lean so close we were almost necking. Her eyes darted from side to side like one of those freaky ventriloquist dolls. “They never leave her alone. They drive me insane – not that I’d ever say that to anyone. God help me if I had an opinion about someone’s kids.”
And I nodded and we moved onto other things. Then later I thought “But why?” Why can’t she – and I, for that matter – have an opinion on kids? Or at least an opinion we can express?
You can watch the times our kids made us cringe below. Post continues after video…
News flash: I don’t have children, but I do have opinions about yours. Cue the howls, sharpen the nails, prep for battle.
Here goes. My opinions about your kids include, but are not limited to:
- Their manners;
- Their friends;
- How they treat people they know;
- How they treat people they don’t;
- Random comments they make;
- The number of hours they spend playing computer games;
And maybe probably definitely …
- How they dress.
Because here’s the first news flash of the day: everyone has opinions, even if they don’t say them out loud.
Here’s the second: just because I don’t have kids, it doesn’t mean I’ve been living in some weird parallel universe, where everyone’s a grown-up and all people under five feet tall are just a bit vertically challenged.
And here’s the third: not all of my opinions about your kids are bad.
I might not have kids, but I’ve known quite a few of them since the day they were born. I’ve shared houses with them. I’m a God-mum. Hell, I actually was a child once.
I don't live in a vacuum. I'm like everyone else out there - I have feelings and values and things I think are right and things I don't. And sometimes, between politicians and bad-boy tennis players and Taylor Swift, they'll attach themselves to your children.
I voiced the opinion that I could have an opinion on kids this morning and, sure enough, I was howled down by every mum in the room. Their basic argument was this: you can't have an opinion about something if you haven't experienced it.
Really?
Because in the same session a LOT of people had opinions about Johnny Depp. Surprisingly few of them had experience as a celebrity A-lister whose dogs had been confiscated by the "cruel" Australian government.
Even more had opinions about Kelly Osbourne, even though no-one's dad had allegedly played up with a hairdresser whose phone number they then subsequently published to the entire freaking world.
And they were screamingly vocal about the bloke who'd put chili on his girlfriend's tampon. I can only pray to God no-one will EVER have to experience that.
Who has the greater right to an opinion on children? A mum of one child? A dad of four? A professor who's devoted a lifetime to researching teens? None - or could it be all - of the above?
I'm pretty sure if my opinion is positive - your daughter is smart, your son is kind - you won't have a problem with my opinion. So is what's really being said: "I don't agree with you, so shut the eff up?"
Truth is, I think what I heard in that room this morning was fear. Fear that in the pressure-cooker world of parenting, they'd missed something. Fear their kids aren't quite up to the impossibly lofty standards imposed by some invisible force that says those kids have to be brilliant, sporty, musical, beautiful, just plain better.
Fear they've... failed.
Has it got to the point where our lives are so horribly pressured that an infinitesimal eyebrow raise is enough to send us over the edge?
I worry it is. But I hope it isn't.
So if I voice an opinion - whether it's about children or Johnny Depp - hear me out. Tell me what you think. You never know, we might have a conversation.
And even a person with no kids can manage that.
Top Comments
Well yes, after the utterly abhorrent morning I had - and all we did was get ready to go to daycare and we were all crying by then - a raised eyebrow can be enough to send you over the edge. I respect that you have an opinion and that's fine - but I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself when you constantly question if you are a good enough parent, if what you just did makes you a terrible parent, if how you parent means others look down on you. Most of us are just trying to do our best and get through the day, so judgemental opinions (particularly from those without children) can be too much too bear.
in the morning when all I want is for my kids to put their shoes and socks on so we can get out the door - I am trying to be patient and get them to do it for themselves - sometimes we all end up crying - I think I am in some alternate universe
Hi Liz,
You are completely entitled to your opinion, I don't think anyone would disagree with that. However you'll find as a non-parent telling a parent, your opinion won't carry much weight. There's a reason for this.
Parents and guardians have been on both sides of the fence. We were once childless and now have children. We experienced how much is does change your life. You have opinions on what raising children is like but it is not the same. I had my own opinions before I had children and now I realise that my opinions were wrong. Most parents and guardians are doing the best job they know how.
If you observe a child for 5 minutes, you don't know what they're like the rest of the time. My daughter was an extremely easy baby that is she slept, ate and generally never cried however once in awhile if she had a fever or something she would whinge. If you would have observed her while she had the fever, you would think she was a fussy child.
I would say the only other people who do know what it's like is someone who was the full time carer of someone else. It's a 24 hour job. It's a great job. But as cliche as it sounds, you don't know what it's like until you do it.
I have opinions on many things, some I choose to voice and some I don't. I might have an opinion on a celebrity but it doesn't carry any weight because I don't know that person personally.
I hope that makes sense.