Missed the second presidential debate? Here's a 'real talk' translation of the crucial points.

Is it just me or…?

Has anyone else got to the point where…?

Are you really struggling to…?

When it comes to Donald Trump, I just simply cannot anymore.

WHY is a man known for a) being rich, b) hosting a bad reality show, and c) “owning” beauty pageants, facing Hillary Clinton in a second presidential debate?

It would be funny if it wasn't so depressingly serious.

On Sunday night, the two presidential nominees discussed the big issues (like sending Clinton to prison, and "locker room" banter) at Washington University in St. Louis. Just as a side note, while Clinton has a law degree from Yale University, Trump isn't quite sure what a university is, but can he knock it down and build a Trump Tower or...?

Like most political debates, the facts were hard to locate.

Mia Freedman was just as confused. Listen to her takedown, here:

So as someone who knows very little about politics but probably knows more than Donald Trump, I've decided to translate the key points of the debate, for those who might have been distracted by the strange man lurking behind Clinton looking like he had somewhere else to be.

1. Trump apologised for his vulgar comments about women, but also didn't actually apologise at all.

In the last few days, leaked footage of a 2005 conversation where Donald Trump goes on a sexist rampage has put his presidential campaign under significant threat. This whole 'Trump is sexist, which is awkward 'coz 50 per cent of the population is female' issue loomed over the first half hour of the debate.

Trump vehemently argued that what he says and what he does is not who he is, whereas Clinton was pretty adamant that what you say and what you do really is who you are.

Moderator Anderson Cooper pressed Trump to explain his comments early on, asking whether he understood their meaning.

"You called it what you said locker room banter," Cooper said. "You described touching [women] on their genitals. That's sexual assault. Do you understand that?"

"No, this was locker room talk," Trump replied. "I'm not proud of it. I apologised to my family and the American people. I'm not proud of it. But this is locker room talk."

That's the thing about an apology - it really, really shouldn't be followed by the word 'but.' Also, it didn't happen in a locker room, and also, THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

Of course, Trump then continued to tell us all how much he "respects women", as evidenced by his endearing comments towards Alicia Machado, whom he called 'Miss Piggy' and 'Miss Housekeeping,' and his constant interruption of, and finger pointing at, Clinton.

2. Ummm, Trump rudely told Clinton he was going to send her to prison.

But, actually.

You see, Trump wasn't all that happy with everyone bullying him about being sexist, just because he happened to say lots of sexist things.

So he got really angry at Clinton about the whole email thing (which, time and time again, she apologises for, without using the word 'but'), and unleashed a torrent of accusations that couldn't even be refuted. That's how ridiculous they were.

He then straight up told her that if he wins this election, he's going to put her in jail.

"I hate to say it but if I win I'm going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your situation," he said.

"There has never been so many lies, so much deception. The people in this country are furious.

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," he said, providing a prime example of the psychological phenomenon of 'projection.'

In response, Mrs Clinton said, "It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in this country," to which Trump swiftly replied, "Because you'd be in jail."

DONALD!

You can't just go around saying people should be in jail!

3. Trump was asked about Islamophobia - and responded with Islamophobia.

When Trump was asked by a Muslim audience member, "How will you help people like me deal with the consequences of being labelled as a threat to the country after the election is over?" he responded by insinuating that Muslim Americans are hiding secrets to protect terrorists.

"Muslims have to report the problems when they see them," he said.

"And, you know, there’s always a reason for everything. If they don’t do that, it’s a very difficult situation for our country."

Of course, it was awkward AF that while being addressed by a Muslim, he still had a proposal for a Muslim ban on his website.

He repeated the old diatribe about Muslims needing to subscribe to American values, which, of course, immediately won the support of Muslims everywhere.

Meanwhile, Clinton said:

America, please.

For more American political talk, listen to Mia Freedman and former executive editor of The New Yorker, Amelia Lester, on the No Filter podcast. It's the show for any woman who is still considering voting for Trump. Listen here, in iTunes, or via the Mamamia podcast app.