Last week on my Facebook feed I saw a photo of a heavily pregnant mum hugging her toddler in an emotional embrace just before baby number two arrived.
It had gone viral, not only because it was a gorgeous image, but also because I imagine so many women could relate to that poignant last hug. A moment shared with your precious first born who will soon have to share your love and attention with someone new.
I pictured myself in a few weeks time hugging my first baby goodbye as I head to the hospital.
Instead of a compact little toddler sitting neatly on my big bump however; Toby is a gangly and cheeky six-year-old who knows just how greatly our lives are about to change.
The last six years we have shared as a family-of-three have (mostly) been the best of my life.
Toby's role as our ‘only child’ was not what we intended, and it has always stung when we were asked about when we were going to give him a sibling.
I remember discussing starting to try for baby-number-two just before Toby turned one, yet life had other plans for us. After months of trying followed by three successive miscarriages in as many years coupled with some health issues and international moves, Toby remained our only child.
I was usually honest about our struggle and would say things like, ‘well, we have tried but it hasn’t happened’, or ‘maybe one day’ to just getting straight to the point with, ‘we have had three miscarriages.’
After writing honestly about our ongoing fertility issues and the insensitive curiosity of others, I had many emails from other women who had experienced similar frustrations and found it reassuring to know they were not alone. I took great comfort in their messages and I cheered when some of them were able to welcome a longed for first or second baby into the world.
As my partner and I got older and our lives became easier with just our one little chap at home, we began to wonder whether or not we should even keep trying for number two. We enjoyed Toby's company immensely and loved the fact that we could travel, have fun or eat out at restaurants with him and no longer worry about sleep times, tantrums or nappies.
I Don't Know How She Does It's Holly Wainwright talks to Rachael Finch about preparing for her second baby. Post continues...
Then, shortly after my 37th birthday, we thought maybe let's just give it one last try.
We were ecstatic to learn in May 2016 that I was pregnant, but having had more pregnancies fail than succeed we were very cautious with our happiness and didn’t tell our families until after 13 weeks.
Throughout the first and second trimester, I experienced regular bouts of sickness and bleeding and spent many hours, days and weeks in a state of fear that this pregnancy would fail like our previous three. But thankfully, our long awaited baby number two stayed put, and as my bump grew I could feel my hope and excitement growing with it.
Eventually, the panic gave way to an overwhelming sense of reality by the third trimester. What if I just don’t love this baby as much as I love Toby? How can he possibly be as wonderful? What if they hate each other? What if this is as happy as I can be? What if this new baby has behavioural issues? The list went on and on.
I lay awake at night uncomfortable in both body and mind going over the same ground. I would veer from excitement when I peeked in at our new nursery to sadness when I took time to read to Toby at night, aware that I would soon be sharing myself much more thinly.
Saying goodbye it turns out, is never easy.
I realise now just how lucky we were to have as many years as we did to get to know our first-born son. He might have to share his toys, snacks and mummy cuddles in the future but I will make sure he understands how precious his first six years as our ‘only child’ were to us.
I also hope he will be able to make room for a little brother who, while screechy and annoying initially, has the potential to be a great friend and ally in time.
When I give my darling Toby that big cuddle on our way to the hospital, it will be laced with the huge significance that our family of three is about to become a family of four. It will be a big change; one that we have wanted very much, and I hope that after the shock and the hormones have calmed down there will be plenty of love and hugs to go around for everyone.
Top Comments
Thanks so much for sharing your story, it's just what I needed to read right now. My daughter has just turned six, and there is no sibling on the way, even though I have desperately wanted one. (Beyoncé's pregnancy announcement made me feel quite sad.)
In our case, there are no health issues, no miscarriages, no trouble conceiving. It's purely financial. And that really hurts.
My husband and I were in debt when I accidentally fell pregnant with my daughter - debts due to a previous divorce and a job loss in the middle of the GFC. At the time we thought - we'll be okay, we'll make it work. We felt so blessed to have her.
But ... we couldn't make it work, at least financially. We couldn't make ends meet with me out of work on maternity leave, and then with full-time childcare fees. We sunk further into debt. Eventually moved in with my mum. So until we could pay off our debts and move out, we couldn't try for another child. We've worked bloody hard, sacrificed holidays and new clothes and Christmas presents and hair cuts, chased after promotions and changed jobs, talked to a financial adviser, sorted out budgets and bank accounts - we've done all that we can.
It's taken all this time to finally get into the black and move into our own rental place again, but until we have a small buffer of savings, I wouldn't dare try for another child and risk ending up in the same situation all over again.
I've really struggled with feelings of guilt and failure. How could I ever contemplate having another child when I can't keep a roof over my family's head? How come everyone else can manage it and we couldn't? I've scrutinised every financial decision I've ever made and stressed myself to tears over buying lunch at work when I've forgotten to bring it with me - that pasta is reducing the chance for my daughter to have a sibling.
At the same time, I've had that same mind game of wondering whether one child is fine after all - we certainly have a wonderful family dynamic. And I try to count my blessings, given how many people desperately wish they could have any child at all.
Meanwhile, I don't know any other families with only one child by the age of six.
All I can say is that whatever you decide to do, it will work out for the best. Having a baby is rarely a financial no-brainer, it will never make financial sense, there will always be other expenses. Saying that, there is a boundary between ''we will have sacrifices'' and ''we cannot eat'', so I'd urge you - if you both genuinely want another baby, to decide a time, maybe in 6 months or so, to sit down and coldly decide if it's feasible in your circumstances. It's not possible to predict future financial problems, so try not to let simple fear stop you. Likewise, being sensible and thinking about realistic costs and expenses is a good thing too.
Other people aren't as responsible as you, they haven't had the set backs you have had... yet... ditch the guilt. You're doing well and have a responsible attitude... which will serve you very well as a grounded parent!
Thanks for sharing your story. While I'm yet to have kids, that's also my biggest fear. I dont understand how parents afford to have one kid let alone more!
Be proud of yourself for all your hard work to get yourself out of debt. That's a huge accomplishment. And if you do get to have another kid, it will all be worth it! :)
You should be so proud of all your hard work and getting yourself out of debt, that is amazing! I have a gap of 7 years between my brother and I and I think the gap has worked out really well and made us closer. We have never been competitive. If you do have a second child one day - don't stress about the gap - there are definitely positives to it!
I too have a gap of six (almost seven) years betweenness my kids, and although it was not what we wanted or planned, it has worked out well for us. Our 6 year old said it was the happiest day of her life when we told her I was pregnant. I hope it goes as well for you!