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There are few things better than the rose-tinted head-over-heels stage of a new relationship. Intoxicated with a new love, all you want to do is spend time with them. And when you’re not spending all of your days with them, you’re texting and chatting constantly.
Three years into my relationship with Steve (and well into the ‘realities’ of living and being together), I’m still in love, I have no doubt about that, but the way my partner treats me now is different. His behaviour started changing ever so slowly I didn’t notice at first, but now the truth is glaring.
I’m invisible. It certainly feels that way.
Gone are the “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you” texts throughout the day (or anything really, other than “What’s for dinner?”), date nights are completely non-existent and I could leave the house in an astronaut suit and it wouldn’t raise an eyebrow, he pays that little attention to my appearance. (Post continues after gallery.)
Celebrities talking about their break ups.
Two weeks ago, I came to the realisation that our relationship was completely changed.
After heading out to do a spot of makeup shopping, I’d been talked into a deal to get a range of products and a professionally applied “makeup look”. On a whim I took it up and I loved the results. I loved the way I looked. Glamorous, is how I felt.
Excited about showing Steve the makeup, I returned home with a bottle of wine and plans for takeaway.
“Oh, hi!” I said as I walked in, waiting for him to look up from the TV.
“Hi,” he replied without even looking at me. Monotone.
“So I thought we could have a nice night in together,” I said, still trying.
“I’ll stick to beer,” he said, glancing at the wine bottle in my hand. Still, he hadn’t looked up at me. At my face. I hadn’t seen him all day, I thought he’d be pleased to see me, or at the very least notice what’d I’d had done. But nothing.
The one-sided conversation continued on until finally I asked him what he thought of my look.
“Oh, yeah, right. Did it cost a lot?” was the delightful response I received. He had literally looked at me for one moment.
It was official, I was invisible.
Steve has never been a particularly openly affectionate or romantic person, but knowing that I was, he at least he used to make the effort. Now I feel like I’m just part of the furniture and completely taken for granted.
When I bring it up, he says he shows me love in other ways like fixing leaky toilets and taking in our car when it’s due for a service.
I’m entirely appreciative of all that, but is it really too hard for him to throw a compliment, a spontaneous kiss or a shred of attention my way? It often feels more like a friendship than a relationship. We’re mechanical together. Going through a routine.
Outside of home, it’s exactly the same. Most of my friends are also friends of Steve’s, so most can’t imagine us separately as individuals. I would never stray, but that feeling of invisibility has only stirred up a desire for affection or even just attention from men. (Post continues after gallery.)
I tell myself that having a man doesn’t equal happiness, but I’m pretty sure having someone who openly cares and pays attention to you certainly contributes.
It’s got the point now where I’m craving affection so much that it wouldn’t take much for someone else to sweep me off my feet.
If Steve ever does say something nice (after I recover from shock) it’s usually because he wants something. I know that real relationships aren’t full of romantic declarations and steamy sex as rom-coms would have us believe but it certainly isn’t the happy ending I always envisioned.
The affection has become far too one-sided and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it.
What would you do in this situation?
Top Comments
Surely I'm not part of this websites' usual readership, but after breaking up with a recent girlfriend (the relationship was short but I had already known her for a while before), I found your article because of some search terms.
Anyway what would I do? Ahah. Let me tell you what I HAVE done. Shift attention from sexuality for a bit. And just consider how I receive love and am able to rely on others in so many ways (it's just a matter of paying attention). Really appreciating each person, each interaction for what it is.
What I'm saying is, I've temporarily found reprieve in just the kindness of friends and the embrace of nature, my yoga practice and suchlike.
What I'm suggesting is don't minimize the pain, the deprivation you are experiencing in your primary relationship. It shouldn't be this way, and something is very wrong. Don't cheat. But don't just sit on your hands. Process this. Feel the pain, it's teaching you something. It's a pain that many, many others feel. So you are in communion with them because of this pain.
As you process your next steps, whatever they may be, will start to become clearer. I wish you well.
Some might disagree with me, but from my point of view, married 24 years all I can tell you is that a person does NOT change once they have settled into a marriage! I married my husband young and excused many behaviors as his being immature, even though he was four years older at aged 25 at the time. I kept thinking he'd learn from his mistakes. Now, I have lived with such a selfish person for so long, I'm suffering from autoimmune illnesses as well as high blood pressure, migraines, etc! I homeschool our two beautiful children as best as I can with my illness and kick myself every single day for 1)not finishing my degree ( husband had us move out of state during my last semester and he kept finding reasons for me not to finish....Basically, he spent all his money on himself. ) 2) having my children so late and with this person. ( I was 30 before I realized that my husband would always say "next year" to try for kids....I don't recommend doing what I did- I stopped my birth control on my own. It would have been far better to have gotten out of the relationship but I was so beaten down mentally by then....He still tells me I am not capable of taking care of myself. Funny, he doesn't take care of me. He has us all the way on the other coast of the US from any family. I wonder how I'm alive?! and 3) watching him treat our children the EXACT SAME WAY! I stand up for them and try my best to get them support from their charter school but they do not know real unconditional love from a father. I pray for a miracle in my health but the situation is probably exacerbating it. If you can't think of yourself, think of your future children, who absolutely need that affection and attention. Will your partner resent the attention that you MUST give to the baby? ( It's not in their words it's in their behaviors....)
Listen to your gut! Three years is a lesson learned, not a lifetime!!!!