by SHANKARI CHANDRAN
A friend of mine recently told me that her husband refused to do the early morning childrens’ sport run because he said he was the one who made the money for the family. Therefore (according to him) he should not be expected to do onerous domestic duties and his weekend rest and recreation should be prioritised.
Hmm. Interesting.
I have to say, I wasn’t shocked. I’ve heard this one before (from men and women) and I think what I found most interesting was that he was prepared to articulate this philosophy so clearly and so politically incorrectly.
He didn’t sugar-coat it with a “Darling, would you mind doing the 7am netball again, I’ve just had a really hard week trading over-priced derivatives…”
No, it was a very clear “I hunt, so you must gather, even on the weekends when I’ve hung up my spear and I’m watching the footy.”
I also wondered how many men and (let’s be honest) women share this attitude. Another friend (a stay-at-home mum) told me that she deals with all of her baby’s night-wakings, every single night.
Her rationale is that her husband (a really nice guy – not some chauvinistic Neanderthal), had to go to work and have his wits about him. He had to be able to perform and communicate at a higher level. Therefore his rest was more important than hers and even on the weekends she continued to carry the full domestic load.
I have some issues with that, and not just because driving the car whilst profoundly sleep deprived can be fatal. But I also understand the attitude because I know that I have an impulse to do the same thing. It is possible that I share this attitude whilst also resenting and disagreeing with aspects of it.
I have almost always been the Secondary Earner in our family (and more recently the Non-Earner). And, whether I am earning or not, I have always had an impulse that I don’t understand (or particularly like). I have this primal (or is it Stepford-esque) impulse to let my husband (currently the Only Earner) rest and recover when he comes home. Thankfully he has an impulse to ignore me and he pitches in happily.
I understand and am all for good team work. It requires clearly delineated as well as shared roles. It requires that people play to their strengths, that we support our team members to do their best and that we work well together and alone.
I also understand that the family unit needs certain roles to be fulfilled by one or both parents/carers for the family unit to survive and thrive. The earner or earners need to be supported and enabled to earn, so that the whole family can eat and have Foxtel. I get that.
What I am fascinated by is the notion that the Primary (or Only) earner might be absolved from all non-earning duties by virtue of being the Earner.
Do many Primary or Only Earners feel that they are entitled to come home after work and rest and relax on week nights and weekends? Do many Secondary Earners or Non-Earners share and enable this attitude by assuming (happily or resentfully) the full or greater load of non-earning duties, even when the Earner is hanging out at home?
And perhaps most controversially, does the dynamic change depending on who the Primary or Only Earner is? When polling the playground recently about this topic, I was told about a Working Mum who came home to carry more than what was considered the “fair share” of non-earning duties.
That Working Mum did not feel as entitled to rest and recover as the Working Dad above did. For the dads that stay-at-home or work part-time, I’m just citing playground hearsay.
Shankari Chandran is a recent returner after ten years in London. Formerly a social justice lawyer, Shankari chronicles the day-to-day of her family’s return on her blog.
I’m curious and I’d like to poll the cyber-playground. What do other parents think and what have you experienced about this attitude?
[poll id=”110″]
Top Comments
I have already lost it tonight and seem to every day now :( I don't want to but I feel at the end of my tether and am wondering what is the best course of action? Both of us have our own companies - mine is home based but busy, can be stressful at times and I work a lot of hours ie 3 days a week 9 - 4 and then in the evenings ie 8 - midnight (a lot of the time), for the other 2 days I will work from 7-midnight as I have my youngest child with me and I get nothing done then :). Kids are up between 6-7am and on the weekend I am either trying to catch up on work, hang with the kids, clean etc - I very rarely get a day to myself (I mean never) and I also do most of the cleaning (I would say all of it but apparently my husband puts on washloads (he doesn't however put the clothes away), drops kids at school (I pick them up), puts kids to bed (tonight whilst I was cleaning up kitchen and living room I heard my daughter shout out Daddy and found him asleep in her bed whilst I am sweating and running around like a crazy bitch to clean so I can work). My partner has a manual job from 7- 3/4pm and then basically spends every night playing video games. For the last 12 months I have been the only one bringing money home as we have been renovating, now hes back at work but I am still paying more than him and doing all of the cleaning pretty much. My family and my besties live the other side of the world so I can't just go to their house and chill and hide to calm down - I literally have no where to go unless I book into a hotel but I don't want to run away from my kids...... and I have to come back home to work so would defeat the object.
I love him but dislike what he does to me and how he makes me feel - how would you deal with this as I have been saying for so long now please help out and still I am doing it all. I feel like running off to chill on a beach but I have no one to go with and I am a social person that needs to talk things over..... any advice for me that I can do now without upsetting the whole house by buggering off for a couple of weeks (and pissing off my colleagues by leaving everyone in the lurch)?
My question is this, I am the only breadwinner in my household. I live with my girlfriend (we are both women) and we currently have no children (we would like to eventually). We have a very large house and the upkeap of it takes a lot of work. I work 9 months of the year almost 7 days a week 10 hours a day (sometimes more). The rest of the year I do not work really at all however I still make enough money to live comfortably. My work is both mentally and physically draining, I work for an environmental contract company as a field technologist. As well I am a board member for my company as well as a community leader. It is the obvious choice for me to work as I can make the most money. We have discussed it and she is fine not working, which I would prefer. However on my off season she wants me to contribute to the housework. I do not feel like I should be obligated to do so. I feel that the intensity of my work season is so much that I should get a break. We have no children, it is just the two of us and she only has to do a few hours of chores a day. I also do most of the cooking and all of the grocery shopping as she hates those things and I love them. Should I contribute more or is she being unreasonable? I understand that if we have children I will have to step up but for now I don't see why I should.