Polyamory isn’t a dirty word.
This has been an extremely hard piece to write and I have rewritten it 4 times now. Why, you ask? Because I thought I knew what I wanted out of a marriage. Really searching my brain to write this piece has challenged me to think outside the box. Thinking about being in a monogamous relationship scares the living shit out of me, but I think I can do it.
Marriage is fucking hard great. Throw in a baby every couple of years and you’ll suddenly feel like you’re drowning. You’ll wake up one morning, look at the Shrek type face staring back at you in the mirror, and you suddenly give zero fucks.
Except you should be giving fucks. If not for yourself, at least for your spouse.
Watch: What modern polyamorous relationships actually look like. (Post continues after video.)
I married my husband seven years ago and we have been through a hell of a lot for a couple our age. Not going to get into it (it’s boring) but just know that we probably could have separated about five times now. We have this electric connection that I have never experienced with anyone else.
Part of our bond includes being on Tinder and flirting with other people (as well as each other). I go through phases where I delete the app, then I’ll come back to it a few weeks later, but my husband remains on it.
I’ve had a few concerned friends contact me to warn me about him on the dating app but when I tell them I am aware and I’m also on the app, the silence is deafening. I’m not sure they understand, I’m not sure we even understand why we do it. It’s challenging, we get to have a “fantasy life”.
When I’m on the app, I’m not ‘just a Mum’ with shit stains on my t-shirt and vegemite in my hair; I’m a fun 20-something-year-old with a zest for life that I long for everyday of my life. There are obviously rules in place and we abide by them and there is an element of trust that comes from obedience by all parties.
So, you’re probably thinking that flirting on a dating app isn’t quite polyamory. And yes, you’re very correct. We’ve only been together a short period of our life, what if we’re just testing the waters? Maybe we could have an open marriage, but we’re not going to dive, head first, off the 10 meter platform first go. We’re going to dip our toes in to see if the water is even warm enough for a swim.
I suppose the reason I wanted to write about monogamy/polyamory is because it’s such a taboo topic. It’s sometimes hard to talk about it without feeling judged. Everyone is different and everyone feels differently about marriage, why should someone feel judged for being interested in swingers parties?
What if talking about having an open relationship brings you closer together as a unit, ignites that spark that left when you started doing your morning shit with the door wide open. Maybe even just talking about having an open relationship is what brings that spark back. Whatever it takes to get it back, do it!
If that’s what it takes to keep your family together, why not? If everyone has given their consent, why not? The amount of people who have divorced in their 20’s is exceptionally high. What if you could have your cake and eat it too? What if you could go out, have a little fling, then go home to your secure husband?
We live in a society where we accept the Caitlyn Jenner’s of the world, Barack Obama is the President and we even had a female Prime Minister run straya; yet we’re not advanced enough to openly talk about open marriages/relationships. We have advanced so much as a society so why can’t we accept polyamory.
It’s not like I’m going to ask to fuck your husband. (Unless you’re cool with that?)
polyamory
ˌpɒliˈam(ə)ri/
noun
the practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the consent of all the people involved.
Krystal is a wife and a mother of three who’s life slightly resembles Lord of the Flies. While she’s not enjoying her children, she loves to blog about them. Living on the Northern Beaches, she always tries to find the humour in her crazy life.
Top Comments
I've been Polyamorous for a number of years and am actually the founder of an organization that educates and supports those entering into Polyamory and I'll tell you that practicing this lovestyle as a means to save a lifeless marriage, or to "spice things up" is a bad decision.
In my experience with being Poly and watching many transition, it is not an easy thing to do and takes some people many years to rid themselves of mono-normative thinking and behaviors which could wreak havoc on their lives if they do not learn to do so.
I know for some, the thought of dating others while being married sounds sexy and fun. However, things can become extremely complicated when love happens, and not being prepared for that can be a death sentence to your existing relationship. My advice to you would be to read, read, and read some more BEFORE making any moves. 'More than Two' by Franklin Veaux is a great book, as well as 'Opening Up' by Tristian Taormino is also a good one if you read it together allowing processing time in between chapters for discussion (took my wife and i nearly a year to get through because of the talks).
Also, find a great online community (and offline if there's one near you) to get that support during those rough times because as much as the mono folks around you will see things one way, you being in the middle will know that they mean well but cannot really help you and your situation.
Know that once you do make the move, for most its very hard to "close the lid" on what they've opened up so be sure this what you want BEFORE you make the move ;)
Great piece!
I do not mean to directly offend anyone if i get carried away in my ramblings below.
But if my partner needs to sleep with or flirt with other people to "spice up our love life" or for a "thrill" then he can go and be single.
Im not raising a child to think if your not good enough then its okay for someone to fool around on you and get what they want from other people and come back.
If bungji jumping or something isn't enough to spice up your life i would be signing some lengthy divorce papers because clearly you arent compatible anymore, and thats fine, people change and move on.. doesnt mean you have to sign up to something where the risk is just as high as the possible gain.
Once again, just my personal opinion.
I believe everyone has choices, if people want to swing they should be allowed. I believe gay couples should be able to marry and if polygamy is your thing then yes you are allowed to do it without any judgement..
Its just you hear so many of these stories of women trying to save their marriage that they put themselves in these situations and end up gaining nothing.
If you marry someone you marry one person..
But i do believe (unrelated ramble - i do this alot sorry) if we are going to allow legally to be married to someone and sleeping with another and still call it a happy marriage then WHY cant same gender couples marry, people who only want to be with each other and not other people..