It’s been brought to my attention by some rather anguished comments in some of Mamamia’s recent posts about parenthood here, here and here, that we’re frightening the horses. Let me put that another way: those of us with children are scaring the bejesus out of those who don’t yet have them but thought they might like to one day but now are not so sure.
This is not intentional. It’s kind of like a form of bonding parents do, joking about the less glamorous, more difficult, totally undignified aspects of having kids and the welcome chaos they bring into your life. I’m often torn about this. I’m painfully aware that not everyone has kids. I’m also aware that there is a huge spectrum of feelings about that fact – some are thrilled, others devastated and many are somewhere in between.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to please everyone when you write about having children. If you speak about the hard stuff, you’re seen as ungrateful. If you speak about the lovely stuff, you’re smug. And I’m also mindful that talking about the fabulous stuff can be difficult for parents who are struggling.
Do you see why I so often end up with splinters in my arse?
Still.
The reason we can so readily talk up the craziness is because it’s understood that even when it’s nuts or difficult or infuriating, the love is immense and the benefits of kids are beyond anything you could imagine.
So.
This is a post for all those who think they might like to have kids someday or who might be on the fence. It’s time to share the best things about being a parent.
I’ll go first.
1. I love that I’m not the centre of the universe. After 25 years of that, I was ready to look more than 2cm in front of my face and care more about someone else’s wellbeing than my own.
2. I love that my heart skips a beat when I think about seeing my children after being apart from them, sometimes even if it’s been a few hours. My eyes can literally be hungry to see their faces and drink them in.
3. They’re bloody hilarious. When they can speak and even when they can’t, nobody tells you how FUNNY your children will be, how much they’ll make you laugh.
4. I learn so much from their view of the world – it is like seeing things from a fresh, small, authentic perspective. Whether it’s death or politics, relationships or fashion….children are able to cut through the crap and tell it like it is. Without even trying.
5. The physicality of it. The cuddles, the way their hair smells, their sweet breath, the way they sing and dance so unselfconsciously…..having children is a full-on sensory experience 24/7.
6. The love. It’s impossible to describe. The biggness of it. The way it gets into every one of your cells. And just when you think you can’t ever love anyone quite as much? You have another baby and it doubles.
Top Comments
I have really enjoyed reading this! I am child-free and have for all my life so far loved kids, worked with them for nearly 10 years in child care and looked forward to having children very much so all my life! I have now been married for a year and have not had children for one reason... no one says anything good about having children. I have alot of friends who have children and talk honestly (which is understandable) about how bad it is to be a parent which has totally scared me out of having children, now and ever. I have now become very sad that the one things i have dreamed about being all my life, a mum, has become the most terrible thought in my mind as i may not cope or be a good mum! Reading this has given me a little bit of hope!
Joining in late...I have been thinking about this for a few days. I am on the fence about having kids due to my biological clock (could it please go away). I have seen all my girlfriends' personalities disappear into a blackhole with their kids, how sad. You ask them 'how are you' and they answer about their kids. They were amazing, inspiring women, but now they seem empty, and their main goal in life is to get a kiss or a cuddle from their kids. Their FB profile photo is a picture of their child, they post updates about toilet training and 70+ photos of someonelse's kid's birthday party. Where are they, and what have they become? I call them lost in parenthood.
Maybe I don't understand anything.Or my friends are all weirdos. But I have an interesting, balanced life, with friends & a partner, so why would I change it for cuddles which seem to be THE main highlight of motherhood based on the comments...What about a deeper sense of achievement? Becoming a better person? Feeling like you are passing on an education and a culture? This I could aspire to. But being home all day hanging onto the tenderness of a young child to give a sense to my life - no thanks. I am still to see some empowered women who become more of themselves after having children, not less.
I am on still on the fence, just further away from the kids' camp.