Today was a monumental one in our family. My baby started school. He’s my youngest child and my last. This is it for me.
And having done the first day of school thing twice before, with my older children (16 and 8), I knew today would be hard.
Anyway, today is my third and final First Day Of School. The last time I will cross that daunting threshold with a little person’s precious hand in mine and my heart exploding with emotion.
And yet I didn’t cry.
I tried to cry. I wanted to cry. I was expected and expecting to cry. There were tissues helpfully dotted around the classroom and handed out by teachers.
But it never happened.
In a way, this was disappointing to me. And yet not at all surprising because I’m not a crier. The more intensely emotional the moment, the less likely I am to get teary. I didn’t cry at my wedding. Or at the birth of any of my children. Wait, I cried when my daughter was born but I think that was because the anesthetist never showed up and my screams for an epidural were futile.
It’s like I get cry-fright. My tears retract into my face and I just go a bit numb.
My Mum is a crier. My closest friends cry frequently. One of them cries with alarming ease. I saw her recently and she had obviously just been crying. “Are you OK?” I asked. “Oh yeah,” she shrugged, waving away my concern. “Just an argument with my husband, you know how it is.”
Actually, I don’t. When I argue with my husband (or anyone) I often get infuriated. Sometimes I must fight the urge to throw things or stamp my foot like a recalcitrant child. But I never ever cry when I argue with anyone.
I can only think of two occasions when I cried at work. Both times were in the bathroom (different jobs) and both times were that kind of crying born of extreme frustration and a sense of absolute injustice and impotence.
I don’t think badly of people who cry. In fact I envy them their emotional access. My crying is stuck. Locked away where I can’t reach it except on the rarest occasion. It’s not like I’m repressed because I talk about my feelings incessantly. I am intensely in touch with my emotions. Ask anyone. I express them in words and writing and in interpretive dance.
But if I had to put a number on it, I reckon I cry maybe two or three times a year at the most.
Is this normal? Am I broken?
Top Comments
Im a non cryer. And I remember the day when it happened. As the youngrst child in my family I'd always been a cry baby -really, it was purely attention seeking - then when I was about 10 I'd fallen flat on my face. I started to cry but then noticed that no one saw me fall and I could probably just get up and walk away. So I did. And over the years tears became a thing of the past. Im a social worker and know myself inside and out and im not emotionally stunted. I just dont cry. Except if I dog dies. Or I watch Red Dog - seriously I sobbed.
And Mia when I walked out of the school after settling my third and youngest in on his first day, I did the happy dance then "whoo hoo'd" when I got into my car and drove off.
I think it's actually an introvert thing. Introverts aren't big on opening themselves up emotionally unless they're prepared, because we like to be prepared for everything!
I'm old enough to remember Lindy Chamberlain's trial and how the press pilloried her for not showing emotion. The teenage me sympathised with her as I was pretty sure I wouldn't be showing any emotion if I had umpteen cameras leering at me either. Crying's a private thing.
When my husband died unexpectedly I didn't cry publicly. At all. I cried a lot when I was alone, but never with other people. It's just how I am. Like you Mia, I don't mind others crying, I just don't do it myself. I think it's partly because I feel as though I disconnect from others when I allow my emotions to envelope me, and also because I'm an introvert I'm not comfortable with the lack of control. I can however, stand before hundreds of people and describe my depths of despair and emotional pain, I just won't be shedding tears while I'm speaking. Tears will be shed while I prepare my talk and relive emotions, just not during delivery.
It's just how we roll.