Hi darlings,
This week’s Ask Bossy dilemma comes from a very stressed out woman whose mother-in-law has moved in with her and her husband. She lost her job. She’s not paying rent. And she’s not helping out around the house. So how can they get her to leave?
Only Bossy knows….
Dear Bossy,
My mother-in-law has been living with us for six weeks now. She lost her job and couldn’t afford to pay her ridiculous amount of rent. She’s in complete denial of her situation. Ever since she left my husbands dad 12 years ago, she’s always had people giving her cars, getting her jobs, helping her out. So much so that she just expects everyone to do things for her and she’s never grateful for any of it. Since she moved in she hasn’t once made us dinner. She only does her dishes, not ours, and she doesn’t help out with anything around the house. Our house is tiny and she’s living in my sons room whose two and a half years old. Which means he sleeps in our room in our bed every night. Her 17-year-old daughter is also staying with us. Her presence is draining. And I’m sick of having her in our space all the time. When is it okay for me to ask her to leave?
Yikes.
As Bossy says. This is serious.
I do have to say that your mother-in-law has no income, and no home. So, sadly for you, you have a role and responsibility here, because she doesn’t have anywhere to go. If you’re saying she is homeless, she’s homeless. I get what you’re saying, she’s a bit of a pain. She’s been entitled. And she hasn’t worked very hard to change her situation and expected a lot from other people. But the situation is still there. She doesn’t have anywhere to live.
What is your husband doing in all of this?
Meanwhile, Monz has some advice on how to get your mother-in-law to like you:
This situation will go on forever unless you change it. The solution is not to say ‘you have to get out lady,’ because you do have responsibility to the older people in your life. You do have responsibility to parents in your life. The other thing is, you might think she’s being entitled and has just accepted stuff from other people – but people sometimes just don’t know how to get their sh*t together.
So, the only way you are going to get out of this now is with a plan. You and your husband need to sit down first and discuss what you are going to do. You need a timeline and you need to work out how you pretty much are going to direct this ship. You need to direct the ship to get her out of there because she is not going to direct it herself. She doesn’t know how or has no desire to do that.
Got a life dilemma you need help with? email askbossy@mamamia.com.au or dial up the pod phone: 02 8999 9386
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Top Comments
Having just been through this situation I have to say that before there is any agreement a very important conversation needs to be had. I agreed to something that was presented to me in a very deceiving way. Being told one thing, and then finding out something completely different changed the dynamic of the living situation.
Nobody should be expected to honor a decision based on deceit. I completely agree, if an elderly parent is ill, or immobile etc, that the children take responsibility and help that elderly parent out. Whether it is having them move in, or helping them find alternative living arrangements. This was not the case for me. My MIL is perfectly capable of still working and supporting herself. But hey, if someone else will pay your way, just go for it!
I don't agree that the truth be exaggerated in order for someone to get their way. Not only was the relationship with my MIL forever changed, the whole situation was detrimental to the relationship of my husband.
The thing that finally turned the tables was the question I asked, "what were you doing at 50?" Well, she was enjoying her life, not having one of her parents living off her, doing as she wanted in her home. My point being, you had your time, I want mine. No reason a perfectly capable adult cannot manage on their own. Just because they don't want to is no excuse.
I truly believe there is a reason that after one becomes an adult, they should not live with family members. There are always exceptions and there will always be those that can manage it. I couldn't especially after being lied to. My advice, either don't do it or give it a time frame. Six months and then re evaluate and for goodness sake do not be afraid to say how you really feel. If you don't it's your own fault. At least when I did, I was being honest. Unlike what was done to me. That worked in my favor too, btw.
Sorry no one understands the heck I been with for 40 years or more. That is my father in law, he been through cancer treatments, radiation, In the hospital over 20 times. I ask my husband every year when will it be our time, I really do not know when or if ever. We now have our house up for sale, I was promise Dad will go in nursing home. Why do I feel this will never happen? Well husband making me look for in law suite homes. At this point I am thinking of packing up and leaving. It seems no one understands the hell I have to put up everyday with his father. I tired of caring anymore, tired of father in law always annoying us everyday, every hour, about stupid things. My husband can not get a break from him, I don't nag him as bad as his father comes in our area. Dad has a two bedrooms and bathroom for himself. He has small refrig. and micro wave, plus TV. He does go almost everywhere we go. Nothing like that third wheel. My advice to anyone welcoming a in law into your house. Think of the future of your spouse and how long that person will put up with someone that has to have your better half time all the time.