Life isn’t unfair, it just really sucks sometimes.
Here I am, drinking a cider, eating a cheese sandwich and waiting for my miscarriage to start. I’ve been to the supermarket and have stocked up on heavy duty pads to soak up the impending rush of blood and cramping that I will endure for days, maybe weeks.
A bit of background. I’m 40 years old, healthy and happy. I’m a wife to an amazing man and a mum to an adorable 4 and 3/4 year old little boy. Life’s not so bad. From the outside looking in we have it pretty good. We own our house (well, the bank does but hey, that’s standard), have good jobs, lovely families and good friends.
For the last eight years we have been battling with the ups and downs of the beast that is infertility. It took four years for us to have our little boy but we got there in the end. It’s been four years since we started trying for another child.
People ask why we don’t just give up and be happy with what we’ve got. Fair point, but you’re not living our life. We’re not finished. Our family isn’t complete. Our son is such a beautiful little soul, he is always saying he wishes he had a baby brother or sister.
We want another person in our family for us but more so for him. We want him to grow up with siblings. He has that right just like anyone else does. So no, we won’t be giving up until there are no more options for us.
We started on the normal route, happily married, trying for kids, nothing worked for the first year so we went and had some tests to check all was OK. And our results… perfectly fine. AKA there is no reason that we shouldn't be falling pregnant. Eight years on, three specialists later, 19 IVF cycles under our belt, and finally, just from doing a standard blood test, our new doctor has found the problem, or should I say problems, for our infertility and they’re all totally fixable.
What do you say to someone who’s lost a baby?
To say that we were frustrated when we found out what our issues were by doing a STANDARD blood test doesn’t quite cut it. The years and years of waiting and hoping, the embarrassment and the bucket loads of money spent on cycle after cycle all add up. Even this eternal optimist has dark days and wants to throw it all in and go live on another planet where no one asks questions or looks at you with pity.
Most people are good and have your best interests at heart, I get that. I understand IVF is another language to those not going through it. I never looked at IVF as a “poor me”situation. It’s almost the norm these days. In saying that, you learn pretty early on who you can lean on and talk to about your IVF.
I distinctly remember one of my friends saying ‘you mustn’t be doing it right’ inferring my husband and I didn’t know how/when to have sex to fall pregnant. Really? That’s your response? Seriously? I guarantee you 100% that I know more than you will ever know about fertility, cycles, ovulation, blastocysts, genes, sperm and every other intricate detail about how to get pregnant.
Then there are the ones that have a morbid fascination with your failure. These people are right there, happy to be by your side when you’re going through a treatment but have a break from IVF for a while and they drop off the face of the earth.
So as I sit here and finish my cider and wait for my miscarriage, I am positive. Our new doctor has given us hope. He has found our problems and CAN fix them. We have an egg on ‘ice’ that has been genetically tested, we just need to get through the next few weeks, have an internal ‘spring clean’ and go again.
This post originally appeared on Medium and was republished here with full permission.
Top Comments
Here in lies one of the untold stories of infertility - IVF doctors are not fertility specialists that are impartial. They make a shit load of money from each procedure and it is unregulated meaning they can charge what they like. IVF should be a last resort when every tiny detail, blood test, health check, surgery, diet, weight loss, vitamin levels, vaginal mucus, ovulation testing and everything else under the sun has been tried and checked out. We shouldn't let clinics full of doctors making 10,000 dollars a cycle convince us that they know everything about a woman's fertility. It is disgraceful that mamamia is sponsored by IVF clinics too - our fertility should not be a business to make money from. Infertility is a heart breaking road and our fertility should be cared for impartially. Yes IVF can also be a wonderful means to bring life into the world but let's make sure it is regulated and that women fully understand the impact and strain it will place on their bodies and their finances.
As someone currently going through IVF I hate this speech about the "evils" of IVF some people feel they are entitled to give. Believe you me, no one is going through IVF for FUN. It is god damn torture at the best of times. If there was another option i'm sure we would all line up to take it. I'm going to guess you have been burned by your IVF experience and i am sorry it didn't work out for you but you have no right to tell others how to think or feel or where and when IVF should be allowed. If you haven't been through IVF but think you have a right to an opinion based on some prejudice you have then i would suggest that you keep your opinions to yourself less an hormonally charged IVF cycles woman highfives your face with a chair!
Maybe I read this wrong but this article has a "flippant" tone that I just can't swallow. I too, have sat and waited for a miscarriage ad could not see a positive at the end. I was told my baby had died in my womb. It was the longest and most awful 4 weeks for me and my partner to wait for my body to do what it should naturally do. Apart from going to work and straight back again, I didn't dare venture out anywhere else for fear it would start in public and further traumatise me. Needless to say, my body just wasn't prepared to do what should have come naturally and after the 4 week mark, started on other medical options to help things along. The medication didn't work either and I ended up having a D&C (for a "failed miscarriage" 6 weeks after first being told my baby died. At that time, it just seemed to add insult to injury.
All the best to this woman and her family though xx
I'm with you. I noticed the flippant tone as well. I can't imagine how hard it is to be unable to have the children you're so desperate for, but the whole article left me feeling sour.