Don’t become successful, women. No man will ever want you.
It’s a story as old as time. Young couple fall in love, move in together, build a family. But dreams get in the way. Success and money, fame and temptation. Someone’s career is soaring, the other is put on hold to hold the baby.
Sounds like a familiar story, right?
But what’s not so usual, even in 2015, are the genders of the characters involved.
The person whose career was in ascendancy? A woman.
The person staying home? A man.
Well, of course it was never going to work.
At least, that’s how the narrative is being played out as the gossip mags pick over the detritus of another celebrity couple going through a split – Jessica Marais and James Stewart.
As The Daily Mail breathlessly reports:
‘James was threatened by Jess’ success,’ a friend close to the Love Child actress believes, claiming that the pressure of competing careers put a strain on their relationship.
Australian-Chinese Stewart, born James Koo, spent two years away from the screen as a stay-at-home dad to the pair’s daughter Scout, who was born in May 2012.
When a high-profile couple splits, the media need a story. And if no-one is actually talking, then they need to create one from the facts available, and there’s a cliche that is too good to resist:
A man can’t handle a successful woman.
Followed by:
No man wants his partner to earn more than he does.
A man will always feel threatened and intimidated by a successful woman.
Don’t believe me? Here you go, some cold, hard celebrity facts:
Think about these couples. In every one of their break-ups, the story went that the man could not deal with his partner’s success. Sometimes it was the subtext, sometimes it was the overt narrative – these women got too successful, it was not the natural order of things. Their relationship had to end.
Men are such fragile, fey little creatures, with such vulnerable egos, that they can’t possibly hack it when their other half is doing well at work, and they are not.
Their egos – and their testicles – will shrivel away and die.
What a pile of insufferable bollocks (pun intended).
I have a newsflash for the universe – men are people, too.
Some of them are intensely ambitious and competitive. Those men will struggle to not be “winning” in any area of their life, including in a competition of status and earning-power at home.
Some of them are not. Some of them are more interested in finding work that pleases and fulfils them, or that provides a means to an end or allows them to indulge a passion.
Some men find their calling when they become fathers, adore spending time with their children and are more than happy to be at home doing just that.
Men, in that regard, are just like women. Some of them are excellently suited to the highs and lows of childcare and domestic life. Some are not.
For too long – seemingly for ever – we have told women that they all have to love that life. Even if they do have a big job outside the house, they need to believe – and loudly profess – that they would be happier at home. And not all do.
Equally, we have told men for too long – seemingly forever – that they do not belong in the domestic world, that they don’t fit in, and there’s nothing there for them.
We have been pushing them out of the front door at the same time we were ushering women through it.
And it’s nonsense.
Who knows if James Stewart saw his other half score an American TV pilot and felt a pang of envy that it wasn’t him? It’s perfectly possible that’s the case. Certainly plenty of women have felt some bitterness that childcare has kept them from opportunities they might have otherwise chased.
But it’s not about James and Jess. It’s about the story that’s being constantly whispering to women, “Don’t succeed, don’t excel, men don’t like it. You’ll end up alone.”
And: “You can’t have a big job and a happy family at the same time.” (Whisper it, ‘Unless you have a penis).
It’s about the fact that these stories make up the wallpaper of women’s lives and we absorb them almost without question: For women, success comes at a cost.
Bullsh*t. What comes at a cost is losing sight of the people in your life because you are blindly pursuing a goal.
What comes at a cost is someone – male, female, whatever – becoming so fixated on material success that they no longer see what sustains them.
There are many, many men who are happier to be supporting than striving. There are many, many women who are the same.
Where the true damage is done is where you try and convince yourself that you are happier being one that the other and that isn’t true.
So if you’re a woman who wants to strive, strive.
There is no curse.
Couples that made it.
Do you know people who struggle with their partner’s success? How does it affect their relationship?
Keep reading:
It’s not surprising that parents of little kids break up. What’s amazing is that more don’t.
“Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to my children”.
Top Comments
I think there is a bit of a curse if both parents are striving for big jobs...which is highly likely. They might be a happy family but completely chaotic to the point where they constantly need favours done and don't have time for anyone outside their household. This also makes it hard to find time to eat healthy, exercise, contribute to society (earning a wage doesn't count) and relax. There are other ways to be successful besides working.
It is all contrived BULLSHIT. Hallelujah It's out there and needs to get out there so it seeps into the pore of every media creton, every man, woman, girl and boy from the moment they open their eyes!