I once went on a date that I regretted almost immediately.
The guy was late. He was infinitely more interested in his own pursuits than mine.
He chose a fancy restaurant, spent the evening talking about his hefty paycheck — knowing full-well I earned a quarter of his salary at the time — and didn’t offer to fork out for more than his half of the bill.
And then at the end of the night when (surprise, surprise) I didn’t want to come home with him, he kicked back in his chair with his hands behind his head and drawled, “C’mon, we’re both adults here” — as if the fact of my being over 18 automatically meant I would want to dive into bed with him.
(At this point, I barely resisted projectile vomiting onto his bespoke suit.)
I was shocked when I received a follow-up text the next day; Mr Bespoke Suit (or Mr BS, as he shall be known) wanted to know when and where Date Two would be happening.
I texted back something like: “Thanks for last night, but I’m thinking we’re not that well suited.” Firm but fair, in my opinion.
Mr BS wasn’t having it. He immediately fired back this tirade: “How can you know if we’re suited after only one date? I thought we had fun. Why won’t you see me again?”
I was baffled. I knew I’d have to see the guy through mutual friends, so I texted a response: “I think we have different expectations from a date/relationship, that’s all. Best of luck with everything and see you around.”
End of conversation, right?
Yeah, notsomuch.
Evidently furious, Mr BS wrote back: “You’ve obviously made assumptions as to what I expect, and frankly I’m offended you didn’t bother asking. I didn’t pick you as being so judgmental. Very disappointed.”
See what he did there?
Apparently, according to Mr BS, my decision to spend time with him or not was a matter open for negotiation.
Apparently, as long as he felt he’d picked a fancy enough restaurant, he was owed a second date.
Apparently, my decision not to make new plans left me open to feedback on my character.
Apparently, my saying “no” was an invite to harangue me into a “yes”.
And while the vast majority of men don’t think like this, it’s fair to say my unpleasant experience with Mr BS is far from an isolated incident; more than a few times men I’ve politely rejected in bars have hit back with lines like, “what, think you’re too good for me?,” “screw you then,” or the ever-creative, “you’re not even that hot.”
Blogger Lauren, of They Really Said This, can attest to similarly baffling encounters. Her experience with male entitlement is evidenced by a series of screenshots posted on her Tumblr, depicting creepy conversations she’s had with on online dating websites.
Amongst them are these horrifying excerpts:
Also this:
… And this:
Each of these messages reflects a similarly misogynist attitude to Mr BS’s, underpinned by the idea that, as Lauren wrote on her Tumblr, “Men are entitled to sex with you after a certain amount of nice gestures, and if you remain uninterested after the right combination of activities and words, you are responsible for his unhappiness for being a cold bitch.”
Just to be totally clear: that’s a bullsh*t idea. So. Can we all agree not to buy into this lie, please? Can we all agree to call men out on it when they buy into it? Can we all agree that no — even just to a second date — really does mean no?
Any creepy rejection stories you want to share?
Top Comments
No is no. Period. Not yes and not negotiable. Best advice: say nothing and leave.
Well, as a male, one of the main reasons I, personally, struggle with rejection is mainly because I've been rejected so many times. Granted, I don't flip out on those I'm rejected by, but if you were the one who was always expected to initiate relationships etc. and you were rejected countless times -- sometimes for really stupid stuff that you can't even change -- you slowly start to take it personally. It drives you crazy. Some guys just have actually gone crazy. And then some guys, like some girls, are just ass holes, which also happens, and, in which case, it has nothing to do with "men not being able to handle rejection" and simply to do with the fact that some people are just jerks and there's nothing we can do about it. I haven't found a single way to cope with rejection other than trying to find things that I dislike about the person. I don't ever tell them that stuff straight to their face, but it sounds like, in these cases, they did. Looks like coming up with negative things wasn't enough for some of these guys to cope and they needed to actually say it, as well, to ease the pain. Not saying it's right; just saying that, until someone gives a plan B for coping after rejection (or until women start being the ones to initiate it and start being rejected sometimes instead just guys all the time which, of course, will never happen), then you can't expect this stuff not to happen. Of course it will. It's easy to sit back, have guys approach you, and then when you reject them, point fingers at them when they flip out. Until you start asking guys out and getting rejected constantly, yourself, I can't really say you have much business criticizing the guys that do this stuff. Yes, I whole-heartedly agree that this type of reaction is wrong, but you really can't criticize their reaction until it's what you go through constantly. It's one of the main reasons I tend to avoid relationships, now, because I'm too tired of rejection. It's crippling.
Constantly going after disinterested people is a huge waste of time. I can take a hint the first time.