reality tv

A definitive ranking of The Masked Singer contestants by how much they'll haunt my dreams.

There I was, sitting on my couch, enjoying the drama of The Bachelor and wondering why Osher keeps wearing velvet. He did some whispering and then it went to an ad break.

‘Time to top up my wine glass’, I thought, as I begun to get up.

But then I heard the Spice Girls.

“Whoo0o0o0o0o do you think you are?”

THIS IS MY JAM.

A promo for The Masked Singer Australia. Post continues below video.

Video by Network 10

I looked back at the screen, expecting to see Geri Halliwell in a Union Jack dress, but that’s when I saw them: A unicorn walking on its hind legs, an octopus that could breathe out of water, Bradley Cooper trapped in the body of a werewolf.

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WHAT

I dropped my glass, shattering it along with any hope I had of having a good night's sleep. These terrifying creatures will live inside my brain forever.

In an effort to make them seem less scary I did a bit of research... and it only made things worse. THERE ARE HUMANS TRAPPED INSIDE.

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It's for Network 10's newest reality TV show The Masked Singer and despite being haunted for the rest of my life, I'll definitely be watching it because 1. I'm a sucker for punishment and 2. Lindsay Lohan.

The Masked Singer is a top-secret singing competition in which celebrities face off against each other and appear in elaborate costumes with full face masks to conceal their identities.

So far we know the 12 celebrities trapped under claustrophobic unicorn heads and werewolf fur include an ARIA Award winner, an MTV Award winner, a Logie Award winner, an Order of Australia winner, a World Cup winner and a Hall of Famer.

Guys, what if that terrifying parrot is Chris Hemsworth?

I've been told it's good to talk about what's scaring me, and I don't want to be in this alone, so please find my very serious ranking of the 12 Masked Singer celebrities by how much they're going to haunt my dreams:

12. Monster.

masked singer australia contestants

I've seen Monster's Inc. so I'm feeling safe in the fact that this furry lil' guy is here to make me smile. Please never leave me, Monster.

11. Robot.

masked singer australia contestants
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Basically Wall-E's futuristic grandson.

10. Alien.

masked singer australia contestants

I'd already prepared myself to meet aliens when I ticked attending to that Storm Area 51 Facebook event, so this one didn't scare me... until I realised it had THREE NOSTRILS.

I also have questions about its flexibility. Can everyone lift their leg like that in zero-gravity?

9. Octopus.

masked singer australia contestants
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What's 10's budget like? Because I'm 100 per cent convinced Octopus is David Guetta.

8. Wolf.

masked singer australia contestants

It's as if the wizard pubs in Harry Potter's Hogsmeade village hosted a karaoke night during the full moon and werewolf Remus Lupin was down. for. it.

7. Lion.

masked singer australia contestants

I can't tell if Lion has a really long neck, or no neck at all.

I'm a cat person, but not like this.

6. Unicorn.

masked singer australia contestants
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No amount of flowers and rainbows can make this non-threatening. Unicorn would appear in my dreams as sweet and friendly to lull me into a false sense of security, then she'd torture me with disco music for the rest of time.

5. Rhino.

masked singer australia contestants

Rhino kind of looks like my dad when he's angry and as a reformed shitty teenager, I can't go back there. Please don't make me go back there.

4. Dragon.

masked singer australia contestants
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Dragon looks like they'd guard the way to safety when I'm surrounded by the rest of the Masked Singers, stopping me from escaping to the safety of... another channel? Maybe he'd grab me and push me towards the ones ranked below because he is EVIL.

Also, I'm honestly worried what impact the smoke coming from their nose could have on my lungs.

3. Prawn.

masked singer australia contestants

It's like Captain Feathersword and that giant prawn from Ballina, NSW, had a baby.

How does he get by with only one claw? Did he need a hand transplant just to appear on this show? Will I ever sleep again?

2. Spider.

masked singer australia contestants
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She's a spider, but her head is also a spider and her dress is the home of another spider. IT'S AN INFESTATION AND I 100 PER CENT FEEL THEM CRAWLING OVER ME IN MY SLEEP.

1. Parrot.

masked singer australia contestants

Yeah, nah. I'm going to tape my eyes open, drink RedBull and... cry.

LOOK.

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AT.

the masked singer contestants

IT.

the masked singer contestants

We can say hello to the terrifying creatures above - and a lifetime of insomnia - when The Masked Singer Australia premieres on Monday, September 23.

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