It’s never a good look when you’re getting nods and winks from the hardware man at Bunnings…
So, my husband and I broke our bed during sex. Don’t worry, it’s not as exciting as it sounds.
We were right in the middle of typical married-for-10-years sex in that it wasn’t anything exciting or out of the ordinary. There was no jumping, no hanging from the ceiling, no passion-filled screams…just quiet, generic sex but lovely none the less. My point is we weren’t doing anything that should have resulted in a broken bed.
We were both focused on, well, you know, when the sound of suddenly splitting wood interrupted our revere, then the side of the bed we were on slumped to the floor and my husband grabbed the headboard to stop us rolling off.
Our first thought was, "Did that wake the kids?" closely followed by, "Should we keep going, or stop and examine the broken bed?"
We chose to check the broken bed.
Our night-time amour had split the wood beam in two. But once again, not because we're all that adventurous in the bedroom. We discussed the situation and concluded the following events led the breaking of our marital bed:
* It is very old. We've had this bed for as long as we've been together;
* My husband is a shift worker and we don't always sleep at the same time, but that is the side of the bed we do sleep on when we are in bed because it is next to the side table that contains our phone charger. So that side is used more often than the other side;
* It's the side of the bed we sit on to put on shoes and socks, because it is next to our wardrobe;
* Yes, it is our sex side of the bed;
* My husband is quite big, weighing 120 kilos, so at the time the bed split there was 180 kilos (I weigh 60) of pressure on that particular wood beam;
* It's a really, really old bed.
The worst part of this entire episode is how embarrassing it is when people hear that our bed broke and the jokes that follow. Everyone from the guy at the hardware store, family and friends had some sort of wink wink, nudge nudge, moment at our expense.
Which is why I'm writing this article. I'm taking the power back and sharing it with the world.
Look, these things happen. Beds break, couples have sex and the next think you know you're a dinner party joke for the next 12 months, until something else comes along to replace it.
We then had a difficult decision to make - should we fix the bed or buy a new one?
We opted to fix it, for now.
Got any embarrassing marital tales to share to'take back the power'?
Feel like turning up the dial on your [married] sex life? Click through this gallery for 13 tips that could help you out...
Talk to Him About It - Just Not in the Sack
Trying bringing up the issue - what you’d love to change - just make sure it’s outside the bedroom.
Get Out Of Your Sex-On-A-Schedule Routine
Feel like sex always happens at the exact same time every week? If 9 a.m.
Slow Down, Cowboy
Has a quickie before shut-eye become the norm?
Don’t Like What He’s Doing?
Deal With An Eager Beaver
Do you laugh at song lyrics that boast about making love all night long?
Break Out Of The Missionary Rut
Man-On-Top can get boring pretty quick. Spice up sex by taking turns choosing positions and locations.
Encourage Him To Have Sex More Often
Some men think about sex every 60 seconds, but what about us?
Make Him a Southern Gentleman
A little role playing goes a long way here. You’re the teacher, he’s the student.
Is He Too Tired?
Increase His Passion
On the libido lowdown? Help him turn things around with some amorous adventure.
Give Him An Eyeful
If you want him to be a tiger in the bedroom then give him an eyeful.
