"I lost my niece a week before Christmas. Here's how I manage my grief over the holidays."

Two years ago, leukaemia claimed my niece. It was a few days before her sixteenth birthday.

Making things worse, she died in the week before Christmas. I can’t comprehend how my sister and her family carry on, but they do with their heads held high.

It wasn’t enough that this insidious disease took my caring, funny and beautiful niece. Christmas has been tainted forever, leaving it a difficult time over the holiday season for everybody concerned.

Christmas stress is common, but dealing with grief over the season can make the time unbearable. As I approach the second anniversary of her death, I’m learning to manage the waves of emotion and sadness which come with force around this time.

Grief is a universal, yet a very personal experience. Everybody copes differently and there is no magic formula to getting through it, however, there are ways to make life more pleasant to for yourself and those around you.

Here’s a few ideas for managing grief and the holidays.

Let people know.

Life does go on.  Circumstances change, particularly at work. Have a quiet word in the ear of your manager or trusted workmate letting them know of your situation. Communicating your needs can help people to support you. Understanding is far more valuable than sympathy at these times and there’s no point suffering in silence.

It’s okay to say no.

Three weeks, nine Christmas parties? Do you really need to go to all of them? Work out which events you want to attend and go to those. Be true to your feelings. Christmas parties aren’t normally obligatory events. If the event is mandatory and you don’t want to attend, go for an hour then slip out quietly. This is a time to look after yourself, not grit your teeth trying to please others.

Grace in the face of good cheer.

Working in an overdecorated office with enough tinsel to fit out the Myer windows? Your workmates are entitled to spew decorations from every orifice just as you are entitled to grieve. The two can live in the same space. Be respectful for your workmate’s Christmas cheer. Raging hard against their joyfulness will win you no friends. Walk among the decorations with peace and grace.

Celebrate in your own way.

Life is to be celebrated. Find a way to honour your loved one over the Season. Give to a charity in their name. Perform a random act of kindness. Donate blood. Do activities you enjoyed together. Find something to do which makes you feel good about this time. It can help make the time more endurable.

Feel the pain, then move on.

There is no point suppressing your feelings at this time. Grief is like a wave. Sometimes it laps over your feet, sometimes you’re dumped against the bottom of the sea, drowning and gasping for air. Allow yourself to feel the emotions. Emotions won’t kill you, even if it feels like they will. In the words of my grandmother, “It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.”

If things do become overwhelming, seek the help of a friend or counselor. Talking can be the most healing activity of all.

Amanda Pearson is a Melbourne based writer.