I gained a fiance. Then I lost my male friends.
For the first few years of my life, I only had male friends — but today, none of my nearest and dearest are in possession of a Y chromosome.
The thing that changed in those intervening years was not just 13 years in an all-girls’ school. Sure, all that time in gender-specific isolation certainly laid the groundwork, chipping away at my ability to banter platonically with boys and narrowing my social circle to resemble Ladies’ Night at the local.
But the nail in the coffin of my male friendships came in the form of a solitaire diamond, set on a platinum gold band: A single token of my relationship that marked me out as committed to one guy only.
Yep, ever since I got engaged earlier this year, I’ve lost my male friends.
Before you ask: No, I haven’t just put off my mates by getting engaged to a douchebag. On the contrary, the guy I’m planning to marry is not only inoffensive, but gets on with everyone I introduce him to.
He’s not competitive, nor jealous. He wouldn’t care if I grabbed a drink with my old mate from uni, and he’s not the creepy sort to check my phone or get weird over in-jokes with male buddies.
The problem is this: Friendships change, subtly but surely, when you decide to marry — and while I’m finding it easy to gently mould my female relationships to fit my new life, I still haven’t learned to navigate the changing dynamic of my male friendships.
Related: ‘People started treating me differently when I got engaged.’
Exhibit A: I used to be all about late-night drinks with my mates — but now have a fiance to factor in.
I now occasionally swap my girly wines for a walk with a girlfriend or a sleep over with my girl gang as a chance to catch up. With my male friends though, there are fewer substitutes: I can hardly imagine my old uni drinking mate coming on the Bondi-to-Tamarama beach walk with me. And yeah, sleepovers with my male friends just seem… awkward.
It’s the same with weekend mini-breaks. While it’s cruisy and fun to grab the girls for a weekend away by the beach, it’s all a bit too cosy to shack up for a weekend with my childhood guy mate. (My fiance may not be jealous, but I have to draw a line somewhere, right?)
Then there’s Exhibit B: One particular male friend that, I realised, must have been in the friendship for the wrong reasons.
I briefly dated him many years ago, and thought we’d moved on. But as I realised from his slightly hurt look when I told him I was getting married, I was wrong about that. Exhibit B simply hasn’t acknowledged my fiance since the engagement — not a congratulatory text, not a question after his wellbeing — and hasn’t RSVPed to the engagement party, either.
Maybe he just doesn’t approve of my choice in husband. Or maybe, as my best friend has theorised, he’d only approve if he were the one waiting at the end of the aisle.
The rest of my old male friends, we’ll call Exhibit C. They’re the category of mid-level work mates that I used to see for lunch maybe once a month, catching up on general chit-chat and swapping travel tips. They’re the sort of pals whose little adventures I ‘like’ on social media, but whom I’d never ask to pick me up from the airport.
Well, you know what? My life is wedding planning right now. I cringe to admit this, but I’m at the bridesmaids’ dresses-and-cake-tasting pointy end of the event preparations, and it’s hard to decide between boring old mates with details of my big dress decisions (pink or mauve?) or pretending I have something else more interesting going on in my life.
Especially when they’re guys, and the neckline of bridesmaids’ dresses is a foreign language to them to begin with.
Related: ‘Engagement ring judgment is the only reason I’d be getting a nice ring.’
I have to take some responsibility for losing my male friends. All relationships take work — and right now, I’m channeling my energies into one particular guy and one particular day.
Maybe I could’ve taken the time to follow up on what’s happening in the lives of my old male friends — but when they find it so hard to tune into my wedding zone, it’s hard to project energy and interest into my old guy friends’ lives.
So while I’m gaining one hell of a great husband, I’m losing the other men in my life. Please tell me I’m not the only one.
Did you lose any male friends when you got into a relationship?
Related:
Mamamia editor-in-chief Jamila Rizvi gets married.
Top Comments
I have very few friends anyway but my best friend is male and we have been tight for 11 years. Never, ever more than platonic, no sex, not even a kiss. So many people find it hard to believe that such a strong friendship is possible between a girl and guy without one wanting more but we have proven it. He has had girlfriends + 2 kids, I have had boyfriends + 2 kids and have gone through everything together including living together off and on. I always explain to new men in my life that he is there to stay and if they have a problem with it they know where the door is. His girlfriend's have had mixed reactions to me. My current partner is one of his friends and it's so nice to not have to explain it as he has known us both for so many years.
I noticed this when I met my partner of 3.5 years. My nearest and dearest friend constantly reminds me that I don't call her enough "since I met (insert partner's name)". Fact is, I stopped calling regularly long before that because after 20 years of friendship I'm so over talking about the same old BS every second day of my life. IT's emotionally and mentally draining. My counselling strongly encouraged me about 6 years ago to end the friendship because it was one-sided and causing me too much angst but I couldn't because my friend doesn't have a lot of support around her. My counsellor said that it wasn't my responsibility to sacrifice my happiness for hers and that the reason she didn't have a lot of friends around her is possibly because she's too much hard work. Alas though, I couldn't do it and so I try and keep in touch, but she reminds me often that she's calling me more than I call her.
Separate to that I am still very pissed that she didn't even acknowledge my partner's existence for the first 6 months because she "didn't want to know how happy I was, when she didn't have someone in my life". I think that was very selfish because I was there for her for the first 15 years of her adult life celebrating in all her good fortune and her relationships and she was never on her own. Now I'm in the relationship, she's on her own, and she goes on and on about "I've been single for 4 years, that long enough, when's it my turn."
This is also the same friends who went on and on about how "sick" she was and how much her face and chest hurt when she had a "massive chest infection" last year. I had just had my thyroid removed, a 15cm surgical cut across my throat and she said to me about a week later "you don't understand ... I'm in so much pain!". I said, "well I think I have some understanding of what you're dealing with, but I think you should go to the doctors and get tested and get some antibiotics". She went to docs, had all sorts of tests, nasal swabs, chest xray too, and it all came back clear a week later.
Sorry for the rant :(
Sounds like a narcissist! It is so unfortunate how many people out there are like this in friendships. All about themselves. I have a couple that after an hour long phone call have still not listened to a single thing about my life let alone asked. You are much better off without her!
OMG! we must have the same friend. I often spend an hour at a time on the phone with her and apart from the "hi how are you?" I don't get a word in until the 45-minute mark.
HOw can I extricate myself from this relationship without feeling like the worst person in the world. I'm pretty much the only constant support she has in her life. I am frustrated that her psychologist (of 7-8 years) hasn't sorted a lot of these "needy" issues that she has. She seems to pander to it and tell her "that just you and that's ok".
Such a tricky one. It is very hard to leave one of these friendships as they are so good at making you feel like the bad one but you just need to walk away. Tell her that it's one-sided and she isn't giving you the friendship that you are giving her and good-bye and good-luck!
So much easier said than done though!!! Feel for you.
You do have to put yourself first though. You are numero uno :)