Everyone, I need to tell you something. I’m a lesbian. A card-carrying, awesome hair-wearing, Tracy Grimshaw adoring lesbian. To be honest, I couldn’t hide it if I tried. Once a homeless man yelled out at me in West End ‘Hey lesbian!’ as I walked past him and I couldn’t do anything but agree with him. True story.
To be honest, the great thing about being a lesbian is pretty much everything. I get to wear comfy shoes all the time; have a tool box without giggling about it; experiment endlessly with my hair and ogle Katy Perry shamelessly at the Super Bowl.
I get to wear whatever I like; watch tv shows like ‘The L Word’ and wish that’s how life really was and creep people out by saying Sylvester Stallone is my man crush. True love never dies.
I also get to discuss ‘gay issues’ at length, ensuring I make people uncomfortable enough to at least consider not voting for the LNP. I also enjoy making straight couples feel bad, for kicks, about being engaged by saying stuff like ‘Oh it must be nice to be allowed to get married!’
There’s a downside though. There’s the questions. Loads and loads of questions. I’m not even exaggerating. I’ve compiled a list of some of these below.
Do you think I’m gay because one time….?
So you pashed some bird in high school. So what? You also enjoyed ogling Katy Perry at the Super Bowl. So what? I don’t care. I don’t know if you’re gay because you think you’d sleep with Nicole Kidman if she offered. I don’t have the answers you need because I just don’t care.
Do you know …?
No I don’t. There isn’t a phone tree. We don’t all follow each other on Twitter. I don’t know the lesbian couple you know in Adelaide who own a cow. I don’t care that your sister is a lesbian who can’t find love and you just wish she could. I don’t care that you think I’d hit it off with your cousin in Mackay who used to be married to a guy. I don’t care. Ever. I also don’t know Ellen DeGeneres and wait for it, I don’t even really like her. Scandalous!
Are you a really a mum?
Turns out, I am! It’s that simple. I didn’t give birth to my child but I’m still her mum. I don’t care about the lesbians you heard about on the news that also have a baby that also has a dad. I don’t care that you think all kids should have a mum and a dad. I don’t care what you think about the gay guys who have 3 kids that you’re not sure should have kids cause you don’t think it’s okay. It is okay. You just need to get the hell over it, and let them live their lives.
Are you ‘the man’ or the ‘woman’?
This feels like an easy one you could figure out for yourself. We’re all the ‘WOMAN’ BECAUSE LESBIANS ARE WOMEN. That’s the point. You get it now?
Is it true lesbians can reverse parallel park really well?
Yes, that’s actually true.
What if the ‘right guy’ came along?
How about you hold your breath while we wait for him?
Do you have a crush on me?
You should be so lucky. Funnily enough we aren’t the predatory animals you think we are. We can actually have meaningful conversations that don’t end up like a scene out of some porn film. Do you want to sleep with all the men? Keep flirting and flicking your hair like that though cause you look like a complete tool.
It must be so easy being gay!
Hey, that’s the truth. Being treated like half a human; fighting off your constant advances and begging for basic human rights is ace. Not being able to be affectionate in the street because some guy behind you at the bus stop is masturbating is really fun. It’s even better when he tries to follow you home as well.
Watching other LGBTI people around the world being murdered and beaten up for who they are is really what makes it all worthwhile. A total breeze.
There are probably more questions to go over but I’ve had a rough day. Use your common sense guys. It’s that simple.
Sally Tysoe was one of the short-listed writers on MWN and HarperCollinsPublishing’s 2015 Writers’ Competition.
Sally Tysoe is a writer and digital communication specialist. She works as a corporate writer during the day and is an avid, armchair bigfoot hunter by night. She lives in Brisbane & has just published her first children’s book titled ‘We like to go Adventuring’. You can follow her on Twitter @stysoe.
Top Comments
Quite funny and well written. Only thing I would say with the mum question for me sometimes I càn understand why some women might be offended at someone calling themselves a mum who hasn't given birth, because going through pregnancy and childbirth is quite hard and apart from that they are the biological parent of the child. I don't have kids myself buy if I was to put myself into a situation where I had a partner whose previous partner has died and therefore we were bringing up their kids I think I would call myself step mum out of respect for their real mum then again I suppose it gets tricky what title to use as then it would be difficult for adoptive parents if they couldn't simply call themselves mum bad dad. But I'm just saying I kind of get where some people might have an issue with someone calling themselves mum if they aren't the biological mum. Not having a go at you, it's just a thought.
Anyway enjoyable article overall which made me laugh.
also enjoy making straight couples feel bad, for kicks, about being engaged by saying stuff like ‘Oh it must be nice to be allowed to get married'
Yeah, actually it is, so suck it.
As for bagging the LNP on same sex marriage, you must be crushed Labor/Greena could have bit didn't when they were in power and Penny Wong was towing the line just like every other Labor MP with a social dinosaur union boss holding them by their preselection.
Wow. I can only imagine how angry you'd be if you were on the receiving end of *actual* discrimination. Y'know, from a dominant majority who holds the power to legally belittle and dismiss your relationship.
I think the part about enjoying making straight couples feel bad was a bit tongue-in-cheek. Obviously being able to get married is nice. That's why people want to extend that right to same sex couples. I think it's a bit cruel to say 'suck it' when the whole point was that while gay couples are discriminated against, it's not the fault of straight couples who are getting engaged, it's more saying that it does suck when you see other people partaking in the happiness you'd want for yourself. You wouldn't want to take it from them, but you're still missing out.
You must have a large imagination because you've never met me in person.
But if your point is the author is angry, I can see that side as well. Maybe her comments aren't tongue in cheek?
I don't get why she singles out the LNP as the baddies? Couldn't Gillard and Co have made same sex relationships legal? The Greens and independents would give them the numbers. The LNP didn't have the numbers to stop them if they had just tried. The LNP is now putting it to a public vote, which is more than the ALP managed in six years.
Yeah I'm afraid your warm and jovial tone didn't make it into print. However, I absolutely agree with you regarding ALP refusing to legislate for marriage equality, and their ongoing hypocrisy about it. Its one of the many issues on which they've back flipped and betrayed supporters.