Most of the times it seems easier to stay then leave. Leaving is hard.
While we can all say there are definitive situations where we would walk away from a relationship, when the said situation happens most people won’t just walk away. We stop and think; asking ourselves is it really worth throwing away all this time together? Can I afford to leave? What will plausibly happen if I leave?
I have recently encountered this situation. I met my husband 4 years ago at 4am in the local McDonalds drive thru after a busy night in the city, I was designated driver and he was the manager, our mutual friend in the car gave him my name and he contacted me on Facebook. One baby, one wedding and four years later I am sitting on my parents couch contemplating leaving my husband.
Why? I found sexually explicit messages to prostitutes on his (always locked) mobile phone and thousands of dollars missing from our joint bank accounts. All the warning signs were there and I admit I naively trusted his explanations (I had to pay this bill; I just moved the money to the other account, It’s an old friend).
It wasn’t until I saw the messages by accident one night whilst he was sleeping and I gained access to the online banking that I saw everything for what it really was, a web of lies. I packed what I could into a suitcase and left the next day, my son in tow.
We have now been living at my parents home for 4 weeks while I try to collect my thoughts and figure out what I want to do next (my son is spending weekends with his Dad). I have always thought I was strong enough to stand my ground and stick up for myself yet faced with the possibility of my marriage breaking up I find myself contemplating just going back, leaving it all behind. All because I know it will be easier.
The thing is we have tried to fix the relationship numerous times, made changes, tried harder, been better people and yet it came down to this. I was blamed for him doing it; he changed our house locks (with most of my possessions inside) and changed computer passwords so I couldn’t access them. The cherry on top was finding information online that he was STILL talking to the other girls, even after I had left.
Yet still, I find myself seriously considering going back, purely for convenience. Yes having a child together is a large factor but isn’t my self-worth more important? I am finding out that lines blur, the questions don’t stop and making a decision isn’t as easy as I had imagined in my fantasy ‘what if’ world.
I am close to my family and their reaction to the situation was downright shock and disappointment. Seeking their advice I received almost the exact word for word statements “I can’t tell you what to do. It is your decision” Which is an understandable response.
No one wants to tell me what to do because if things turned out badly I could potentially blame them (I can hold grudges for years). Almost begging them to answer my second question as truthfully as possible I eventually asked them “If it happened to you what would you do?” Everyone said they wouldn’t be sticking around to put up with it.
While we do say for better or worse, you will never know what you would do till you are faced with the situation head on and even then you still may not know what you will do.
Do you have any advice?
If you found this relatable, then you might want to read…
What it really feels like for the kids when divorced parents remarry.
Top Comments
It's not easier to stay than to go - you've already left. You've taken the biggest step. And you've seen his reaction. He doesn't care, he doesn't want you back, he doesn't love you. I know that sounds incredibly harsh and I feel your pain, I really do, but clearly from what you've told us, it's the truth.
I feel your pain because I'm actually in the same boat. My partner of 10yrs, father of my two daughters, best friend(?), soulmate(?), told me just over 12 months ago that he's been sleeping with his best friends wife. I was staggered - still am. And still don't really know what to do.
I actually always thought I'd stay for the kids sake but I've discovered that, like you (and not surprisingly) I'm pretty rigid and have no idea how to forgive. A grudge feels really good, but I've no doubt it's also incredibly toxic. So I'm still trying to convince myself I can make it work. But knowing what it feels like and living it right now, in your circumstance there's no way I'd go back to him. It might be convenient in my case where he is working really hard to show me he's so sorry and he's in it for the long haul. But your husband is doing none of that. There's no convenience in being with someone who doesn't want to be with you. I can't see anything in it for you or your son. Can you - really??
I've previously left a husband (no kids, different circumstances), and the hardest part of that was physically packing a bag and leaving. You've already done that. You've taken the biggest step. You've told friends and family. You're more than halfway there. Let everyone support you for a bit - I'm sure you'd do the same for them. Just my thoughts, for what they're worth. You know all the circumstances, you'll make the best decision for you and your son. Good luck! I hope you make the right decision, even if it's the hardest.
One thing to as is what will the relationship be like if you do go back?
My parents stayed married for years in an unhappy and bitter marriage because my mum felt it was the right thing to do for me. My early life was full of arguments, every holiday, birthday, special occasion I remember the arguments and hiding in my room crying. I guess I am saying, if you do go back - please bear in mind what an unhappy marriage can do to a child, children are fairly resilient with parents separating, but a life full of tension and disruption will harm them.
Sorry to add more worries to think about, but I am just giving another point of view. In any case, I would probably consider counselling and at least try to meet with my husband in a non threatening environment to try to discuss things. If he refuses to give up prostitutes, the only options you have is to totally accept this and move back, or leave. I don't think you should move back when you still fell resentful of the situation as it will end badly.