It’s hard to love yourself when strangers insist that you shouldn’t.
Yesterday should have been one of the happiest days of my life.
Yesterday, I graduated from university, something I’ve worked hard at for three years to achieve.
But among the congratulations, there was a niggling, growing anxiety.
Over the past few months I’ve put on six kilos. I am now the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. It’s not a great feeling.
I struggle to feel comfortable in my clothes, my belly sticks out – making me paranoid people think I’m pregnant – and I’m avoiding social outings less and less because of four nagging words:
What will people think?
If you’re my friend, or someone who’s kind, you’re probably dying to say to me: ‘Who cares what people think? Just be yourself.’ But what’s strange is I do like myself and who I am as a person.
I just don’t like the body I have so carelessly neglected.
And it’s pretty hard to not care what people think when I get fat-shamed by strangers.
It’s only happened to me a few times; most people are considerate enough to keep their opinions to themselves.
But just over a month ago, I was walking along Darling Harbour at dusk with a friend when I heard: “Hey fatty!”
I turned my head slightly and saw a suited man looking my way. “Yeah you, you fat bitch,” he said. “You are a disgrace to society, you fucking pig.”
I was shocked. I kept on walking as if I hadn’t heard a word, but the words stuck like chewing gum caught in my throat. I was scared. Scared he might attack me. I was humiliated – though more for my friend than for me. Was she embarrassed to be seen with me?
The words haunted me for weeks.
I never used to have such crippling social anxiety. Now I avoid going to the beach and even going outside in daytime hours. I feel obliged to decline invitations to go out drinking or dancing and when I sit at a restaurant I make sure I’ll easily be able to manoeuvre out of my seat. I would hate to be an inconvenience to anyone.
This weekend, my Mum is visiting and wants to visit people she hasn’t seen in years – strangers to me. When she told me I almost cried. I don’t want to meet people, especially friends of Mums’, looking the way I do. I feel like they’ll judge me and judge Mum in turn. I feel like I’ve disappointed her, even though I know she loves me and my brother more than anything.
Anxiety is fucking with my brain. I have never felt like this. I have never felt ashamed to be me, but now I do.
My worst fears about graduation were confirmed when, instead of feeling elated that all those years of study were over, all I could think about was looking like a marshmallow in the photos. These fears were justifiable. I received the official portraits and immediately began to cry. I looked monstrous. This is how I will look back on that day. These photos are what my future children will look at. I am disgusted that I have let myself get into this state.
It hasn’t always been this bad. I have been overweight ever since I can remember, due to no fault of my parents. It’s my self-control that lets me down. I avoid exercise like the plague and I can never say no to a piece of chocolate, or eight.
I’m an emotional eater. It’s a deadly cycle. If I’m happy? A celebratory dinner. Sad? A bag of Maltesers. Food makes me happy. Food makes all of my problems go away. Until it doesn’t. Until food is the problem. Food, a need for human existence, will kill me one day if I don’t change my habits.
And it’s not as if all I eat is junk. I like vegies, I eat them every day. I actively attempt to make each meal I have be a healthy one. It’s the brownie I sometimes buy as a treat on a Friday. Or the peanut butter toast I sometimes substitute for muesli when I get to work in the morning. Or the satay chicken I get delivered when I can’t be bothered cooking.
These impulsive choices I make bring happiness for five minutes. Then instantaneous regret. It feels like I have no control, which I know probably sounds ludicrous, but there’s just something in my brain that switches. I always succumb to the devil on my shoulder.
My other issue? I have a commitment problem. I have tried dieting, but I go three days and fall off the wagon. I have tried Weight Watchers, which I know would work if I could stick to it, the best I have gone is a month – I lost eight kilos then for one reason or another lost focus. As I always do.
But I have joined again. And this time I have a goal in mind. I leave for a mini Europe holiday in 3 months and want to have lost the weight I have put on in the last few. Just enough to feel a bit more comfortable.
And then the real challenge will begin when I get back. Changing habits for the long-term. It will be an uphill battle, but I’m ready.
Have you ever been publicly criticised for your weight?
Read more:
This is what it’s like to be overweight in public.
“I am so many things- female, brunette, short. Why do I see myself as overweight?”
Man tells woman, “You really need to f***ing lose weight.” Woman’s response is perfection.
Top Comments
Laura, im so sorry to hear that some idiot spoke to you that way, thats disgusting & there is clearly something very wrong with him, one can only wonder what motivates some people?! I totally understand your feelings about yourself, im constantly reminded how "big" i am (6ft tall & 90kg, in recent times up to 120kg post babies) in fact people remark about it so contantly i cant even walk into a shop without comments! But i decided i cant change anyone else, just focus on being the best person i can be, i focus on how strong my body is and how incredible it is to have full ability (i have worked extensively with disabled athletes) also since having my children i am in awe of what my body can achieve, and i try to think of "my body is a temple" and feed it accordingly, i also found things like my fitness pal apps to really make me aware of what i eat! Your photos with the article are beautiful, good luck on finding peace with your body & learning to love it (you deserve the best) x
The "disgrace to society" is the idiot who felt it was okay to verbally abuse a stranger on the street.
People like that suck the joy out of life and contribute nothing positive.
Your weight is not a disgrace, he is a total disgrace.
You are a beautiful accomplished person.
He is a flawed human being.