How do you cheer yourself up when you’re feeling blue? I asked my friends and got answers as varied as they are themselves. Kat runs along the river listening to the Potbelleez. Richard takes off on his motorbike. Laura grabs the dice and plays board games with her nieces and nephews. Nicky immerses herself in Austen. Ken has a Milo and goes for a surf.
What do I do when feeling glum?
I get outside. Fresh air and sunshine gets under your skin. For an extra boost, I’ll listen to Daryl Braithwaite’s As The Days Go By. (Uncool? Sure but it has a tardis-like ability to transport me back to a great teenage holiday). Other times I put Moonstruck into the DVD player or read “Bird by Bird” by Anne Lamott. And just sitting on the bed with Ava, Brad and Chewie (my family) makes me realise how lucky I am.
And then there are friends. For many, the easiest way to raise our spirits is to be with our friends. True friends – the ones from your tribe – bring warmth and comfort to your life. Do you ever laugh so hard as when you and your friends are discussing past loves (or worse, past hair styles)? For me, there is something undeniably nourishing for the soul when I am with my girlfriends.
But as important as it is to know what makes your spirit soar, it’s equally important to recognise what brought you down in the first place. Or perhaps, more accurately, who.
How many of us continue to spend time with those who aim to make us feel small? They are smiling assassins, verbal serial killers, frenemies who seem to delight in our misery. It’s an eye roll. A smug tone. A put down excused with an, “I’m KIDDING!” We leave their company feeling bruised and yet we continue to make room for them in our lives.
Happiness, doing what you love, being authentic in your tastes makes you a target for that “Who does she think she is?” meanness. We can learn to tune out to it. Or better still switch stations all together. Life is too short to give airtime to bitchy, negative people. The philosopher Epictetus said, “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” In other words, ditch the pal who keeps snidely pointing out you have “lame” taste or haven’t ever gone to uni or seem perpetually single. Better single than mean, I say.
I know sarcasm and cynicism are in. I know some make a career of belittling others. But you know what? Smugness is deeply unattractive. And the truth is the most miserable, insecure people are the ones who embark on “levelling” – the need to bring others down to their level. Misery certainly loves company – it just doesn’t have to be your company in 2011.
Do you have any frenemies in your life? How do you handle their put downs? Anyone managed to ditch a frenemy?
Top Comments
I think there's stages folks go through with wolves in sheep's clothing. Sometimes wolves think they are sheep and don't realize they are acting like wolves, if that makes sense. We wonder if its just US; are we too senstive? We doubt ourselves and question our own judgment, mentally review all the good things they've done for us. This is how abusive people function; they refuse to admit or take responsiblity and it winds up dumped on you, causing you to internalize it as if its your fault.
But over time, a pattern emerges that, despite us not wanting to see it or God forbid, have to deal with it, gives evidence that there is an ugly root of SOMETHING underlying our friendship. In my case, it was a relationship with a sibling. For whatever reason, she seemed to need to compete with me to prove something. Not that there wasn't the usual sibling jealousies between us both. But this seemed something more than just the normal stuff. If I liked a guy, she would start making a point of looking her best around him and trying to get his attention. If she was interested in or good at something that I also had an interest or gifts in, she would carefully gaurd that territory with her life, refusing to acknowledge any ability I had in areas she drew a sense of worth and competency from and refusing to share or enjoy it together with me. Once we were shopping and I had tried on an outfit that was just stunning but alas, no matter how hard I tried to get into it, it was not to be. Cresfallen, I told her how bummed I was. Suddenly she snatched that very outfit up and insisted on buying it even though it was no where near her size. It wasn't for me that she was buying it, I tried to confront the issue gently, as in " there seems to be some competitive insecurities between the two of us..." Her mouth froze in a straight line and she stared straight ahead and would not admit that this was so or discuss it with me. If I did something she disliked or that bumped some area she was feeling sensitive or emotional about, that became the justification for her to unleash a tirade of verbally abusive and downright disrespectful treatment, often in public. Of course, it was always my fault and she was entitled to behave that way, because I had been insensitive to her feelings. No mention was made of my feelings. Just hers. We were once attending an event hosted by one of her coworkers; I did not know anyone and felt a little out of place and said something along that line. She turned to me in front of everyone and snarled with undisguised contempt" You sound like you need to be protected". There was seldom any admittance on her part that her behaviour was egocentric and downright abusive. One day something like this happened and I'd had enough. I took her to task for it diplomatically but firmly. She made all sorts of arch sounding excuses that made her the center of the universe. There was no apology or honesty as usual. She was hurt and offended. Later, I brought it up as she was dying of shame and embarrassment. She called down insults on herself but never actually discussed or considered the actual issue. I was grieved that I had hurt her and wondered if any point I had to confront was worth doing so. Not much has changed today although she is a bit more careful and perhaps a bit more respectful. Her mentality seems to be that if you don't stand up to her then you DESERVE whatever attitude she has towards you. Where does this leave me? Well, I think that people who have problems respecting other people are always dealing ultimately with stuff within themselves. Unhealthy stuff. You need to extricate yourself from their web of bondage to a safe and rational distance. Sometimes they have compromised truth and reality to maintain relationships with an important figure who themselves is abusive and full of contempt for others and the only way to have that person in your life is to absort their contempt because they refuse to deal with life on a truth basis. They have become so accustomed to living a distorted version of reality that anyone who wishes to be with them must share the distortion. Sadly the warped reality and the bent and twisted boundaries and values that go with it become what the disprespectful person has aligned with. Someone has to be the bully and someone the downgraded scapegoat. Sometimes they will never admit this is the case and you have no choice to realize that you DO see even if they won't and you must make decisions accordingly. Love them from a safe distance, pray for them but walk in reality towards them too.
This is kind of off the topic, but it is in relation to friends. I just need some advice on it. My best friend is from Canada and we met as she was dating my brother-in-law. She was very homesick here so I decided to make a big effort to befriend her and we ended up becoming very close. She has recently gone back to Canada with my brother in law staying here for a while. When she went back we would talk via text all day everyday. The bro in law went over there a few weeks ago and since then I have barely heard from her?? I guess I feel completely used - Like I was just her connection to him and a friend when she needed it. She is totally obsessed with him and always has been i.e. he is her life but I honestly thought we were true friends, now I am thinking not so much?
She has just found out she is coming back here so has started trying to talk to me again. I am not really sure what to do as to be honest, I am very mad at her! I don't really want to just "pick up where we left off". The situation has a lot more complications but that is the basic problem. Just wondering if anyone has been through a similar thing or would have any advice? Thank you!
oh, and also making me crazy is my husband keeps defending her. Not that there are sides as she doesn't even know how I feel about the whole thing but he will not support me in this at all. Am I wrong to be mad?
Dear anonymous, after my exwife decided to leave, a year later my loneliness got the best of me and I chatted with someone online from cAnAdA. OMG!
All I can say is don't get involved w/canadians. after about three months of "the bad place" ^( whew )^ and trying desperately to rid my home of freeloaders "we're from canada, you have to take care of us" B.S., they finally consented to depart, so just be careful...please. I don't know ya but I do care.