By GEMMA ASKHAM
We can have a calm discussion about overdrafts, children, and when to have the sex to create said children….
But put the toilet roll on the wrong way and we’ll lose our collective shit.
Researching her new book, Clash of the Couples, author Crystal Ponti proved this; finding it wasn’t life-changing issues that caused tempers (and possibly household objects) to fly. Instead, it was the daily, grating grind of your other half just existing.
So in a completely scientific experiment – i.e. a discussion at Mamamia – we present the five topics guaranteed to get coupled-up women everywhere wondering why they didn’t become nuns instead.
1. Food shaming.
For a harmonious relationship, the theory goes like this: find someone who you like as a person, and who you like thrusting with. This rule works wonderfully – until you need to eat.
If you’re a vegetarian, expect meals to be an attempt at meat-conversion, often delivered with such intensity that it makes the Scientologists look chilled. If you’re the meat-eater, expect sly passive-aggressive glances that translate to: ‘You’re eating a little lamb. I think you’re dead inside.’
2. The Internet.
There was a time, a few years back, when people worried that men were spending a lot of time online looking at porn.
Well, they still might be – we just haven’t got time to worry about it because we’ve got to finish this cat meme, watch the new flash-mob proposal that’s gone viral, revisit that Kate Middleton gallery, update Facebook, look on Twitter, check Instagram.
Rather than getting mad at us, our partners should be grateful that we don’t need Tinder. Think how much time we’d spend online then. Ha.
3. Household minutiae.
It’s not the simple domestic stuff that gets us going, like, say, mortgage contributions or deciding whether to live in the countryside or the city. It’s the really important stuff that hits our rage buttons, such as: How many pegs to use per item on the clothesline? Exactly how much time is allowed between finishing a cup of herbal tea and disposing of the tea bag?
Should plates really be rinsed before going in the dishwasher? Exactly what circumference of a bed-sheet should be tucked in? And is ironing is a night-before activity or a morning one? Best to get all of these points covered on your first date.
4. A general lack of life enthusiasm.
In some circumstances that we don’t consider unreasonable – such as after telling a joke so hilarious that we’re still bent double – we women like a bit more of an extreme reaction than NONE. But getting beyond a grunt can feel like trying to get a Bachelor contestant to be sincere.
My partner is Swedish, which, in true Scandinavian stereotype, means his default reaction displays just enough emotion to show he’s still alive – but not a lip-twitch more. After years of screaming, “Are you listening to me? Did you hear me? ARE YOU F**KING LISTENING?”, I’ve accepted that him giving me a deadpan, ‘that’s nice’, basically means, ‘you are blowing my mind’. Well, that’s what I’ve translated it as, to stop more arguing.
5. Guilt or innocence in high-profile murders.
No, of course we weren’t there. But we’ve heavily studied the internet – see point two – which is basically as good as being there (in fact, better, as we can do it from the sofa and not a court room). Our opinion is very strong – and, obviously, very, very much better than yours. Case closed.
It’s safe to assume celebrity couples have fights about these things too. Click through our gallery below for our favourite celebrity couples.
Top Comments
My biggest one is that I do all of the general cleaning most days, but when my partner cleans, he does it way more thoroughly and perfectly than I do, and he says things like, "Oh, I cleaned out the top of the wardrobe because it was a bit messy."
I always take this as him thinking that I don't do a good enough job of the cleaning because I didn't do that particular job. In reality, he just wants praise for whatever he has done, so I've learnt not to get annoyed about it.
My partner never uses his own towel after a shower. And after drying his hair & unmentionables, he leaves the towel (MY TOWEL) on the floor, as he drips the rest of the water from the bathroom to bedroom. He doesn't dry properly. How hard is it to use the (STOLEN) towel you're already using to dry your back/arms/legs/stomach?!??
Ahh. It feels good to vent about such minor things! :)
Mine does this too. The worst is when he showers before bed and doesn't dry himself before getting into bed.
And then thinks it's funny that it pisses me off!
Our first morning together, my husband used MY TOWEL. His towel was clearly marked, but he used mine. I explained very carefully that we did not do this EVER. Eeerrrrggghhh! It's like using someone's toothbrush. Forbidden!
I KNOW! How hard is it! We even have seperate towel rails now and every now and then he grabs one of mine. Get your mitts of my towels, grrr...
Luckily he got the message first time. And the boys are the same. I can't imagine living in a family where they just pick up any old towel. Ugh! I adore my family, but MY TOWEL is MY TOWEL!