A couple who have been together 25 years has said that despite not having sex in almost 20 years, they are still as happy together as ever.
“None of our friends or family would believe that we have a sexless marriage,” Brian* and his wife Alison* told The Guardian‘s Joan McFadden this week, adding that despite their lack of sexual intimacy, they are “like everyone else”.
“No one talks about having a sexless marriage. The closest I get is hearing other men joking about their wives not being interested in sex anymore, but we were never really interested in sex, even when we met 25 years ago,” Brian said.
Having met in their early 20s, Brian and Alison said they were instantly attracted to one another and shared many common interests. Something they didn't share with others, though, even back then, was an interest in sex.
"I really hated the way previous boyfriends implied that it was time we had sex or that I owed them something," Alison said.
After meeting, 18 months of dating followed, and the couple decided to wait until their wedding night to consummate their relationship. Having had less than stellar experiences himself in the past, Brian was happy to oblige and says that more than anything, he felt relieved.
When it came time to their honeymoon, though, the pair gave it their best shot and had sex a number of times, but neither said the experience was particularly life-changing for the better.
Within weeks, Alison fell pregnant with their daughter, and the pair didn't have sex again for two years. It was only when they decided to try for a second child a few years later, that they began openly discussing their sex life or lack thereof.
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"I said to her: “Shall we have another baby?” and she said: “Well, there’s something we’re not doing so that might take us a while,” and we both laughed and that started the whole chat about sex," Brian said.
Again, Alison fell pregnant quickly and the couple welcomed a son just over 20 years ago. Since then, they've not had sex once.
"It’s quite an odd feeling you’re not interested in something that the rest of the human race is mad about," Alison said, but shared she and Brian are both on the same page when it comes to their relationship and love for one another.
Together, they take dance classes, go on holidays, cuddle up together on the couch, and socialise with friends and their now adult family. In other words, their life is rich and full, even without sex.
"I don’t have to justify our marriage to other people, but it’s almost like I have to justify it to myself," she said, adding that their decision to hide their decision from friends comes down to the fact that "sex seems to be such a big thing to everyone else".
Top Comments
i actually believe that this type of conversation needs to be had. Though many would assume that it is a discussion that needs to be had only between partners & those that are married.
I believe that this is important for young people who may be asexual to understand that it isn't something to be ashamed of, & that there are contrary to the messages they may be receiving many people in the world that aren't interested in sex in any way shape or form, this needs to be recognised for what it is.
I do suggest that those people that become obsessed with pornography are the ones that have the problem, and this justification of treating other people like massive sex toys is selfish, degrading, & there is an oblivious around this to the person that they are actually with, which is unhealthy & disrespectful.
As a young person I received mixed messages around sex & found myself in really sexual relationships that I found mechanical & unfulfilling. As I got older I realised I was more to that end of the sexual spectrum, but found it impossible to meet anyone that was similar to me, really only doing it because it was expected of them. I am so glad there are couples that have found each other & have genuine caring interactions minus the sex.
It's because, unlike in the old days when it was taboo to talk about sex, these days sex is talked about all the time in the media. It's really no ones business how often couples have sex or not. And like everything else, if you are not doing it enough or at all, there must be something wrong with you. No. it's just a ploy to make people feel inferior.
This couple sound like they're asexual. And it seems like to me that they have a great marriage unlike so many other sexually active married couples. Saying something.