We spend our lives running from death. It is imprinted on us from a very young age to follow the path of ‘do this, or take that’, all in order to “live longer”. It is no wonder most of us utterly fear any conversations about death. It seems that most of us would especially prefer to avoid a conversation about how we might want to die with our nearest and dearest. In fact, research shows that 75% of us have not had any end of life discussions and 45% of us die without a will.
A man sings to his 93-year-old wife and it is, put simply, beautiful. Post continues below…
What I’ve learned about dying is that it’s not something we can run and hide from. We are all dying. We are all going to die. We may not be able to choose how or when it happens but we can prepare a way to do it well. We can make choices early in life and put a plan in place, or at the very least have the discussion with family members so that when the time comes they know exactly what we want to happen.
My first experience of death was my grandmothers passing. She had cancer and we knew she was going to die. What I remember most and I recall warmly with a smile on my face as I write, is her grace in dealing with the inevitable. My grandmother, Joan, made her choices right down to who could and couldn’t attend her funeral and that she didn’t want anyone to speak about her. Perhaps she felt it had all been said before she left.
I loved that she was so assertive. She knew exactly what she wanted and she did not hold back in communicating her desires clearly. It left the family with no questions. We could focus on the love and the letting go. We could celebrate Joan’s life and she parted with the knowledge that we would carry out her wishes. She made very specific choices about her end of life care and those wishes were met.
"My first experience of death was my grandmothers passing." Image source: Supplied.
My second experience was the suicide of a dear friend.
I carry the quote printed on his memorial keepsake with me in my work. “Even death is not unkind, when living love is left behind”. I recall this quote to anchor me when I think about working with families of people who are dying. I recall this quote as I make my own choices and have conversations with my family and loved ones about the choices I have made for my death. I want my family to focus on the love and if my mental capacity fades or my ability to communicate disappears they can reassure me at that time that when I was able to, I made good choices.
Doing death well begins at home. It begins with the conversation. Pour wine or pour tea, break bread or cheese and crackers together and have the end of life discussion. Or write each other letters if you are not big on talking. Either way here is a place to start:
Make a death plan. What do you want to happen before, during and after your death? Start with lists. Then expand on each of your desires. I studied to be both a birth and death doula at the Australian Doula College.
We need more birth and death doulas in the community, especially as we see the Australian medical system moving into more home hospital care, so if this work calls you please contact the Australian Doula College or Helen Callanan at Preparing The Way.
Imogen Bailey is a birth and death doula. She was previously a model, actress and singer. Her Twitter handle is @imogen_bailey.
Top Comments
Here's the thing, Imogen. You're using words like 'passing' instead of 'dying' and 'death' which only feeds into our culture of death denial na death phobia. People don't 'pass' - they die. Simple as that. It also strikes me that you don't have much experience at all caring for the dying to begin with.
I'm not afraid of dying, just of uncontrolled suffering. Hub and I have had all of these conversations, together and with our children. We have wills, enduring powers of attorney, made our funeral wishes known and compiled lists of bank accounts, policies, online accounts (with passwords) and such. The remaining task is to keep up the house decluttering so that clearing up is less onerous for whoever gets the job when we're dead. Not to plan this stuff is just selfish.