‘Oh my God. Do you guys have sex? Do fat people even have sex at all? Does your husband even WANT to have sex with you? Can he even get an erection?’
This one time, a producer of a popular evening news television program called me to request an interview — body positivity, et cetera. The fellow, we’ll just call him Bill, was nice enough, not at all abrasive, and seemed genuine. He didn’t chastise me for my supposed laziness, my poor eating habits or lack of discipline, my BMI of 31 (32?), my glaringly obvious double chin, the three packages of biscuits in my cupboard.
And then the real pitch started with him talking about my “skinny” husband, what’s it’s like to be a fat (and by association, unfortunate?) woman in a relationship with a thin man (apparently this is called a “mixed weight” relationship. RUDE.). The conversation ended with my saying I’ll be in touch — and then never being in touch.
He didn’t have to tell me what he was getting at. Shows that are founded on the premise of you have personal “problem,” and are, therefore, worthy of gawking at, are good for ratings. Especially when they involve love and/or vaginas.
Because:
A. Even though it is an anatomical truth that my husband is, in fact, smaller than me, it certainly doesn’t warrant an entire half-hour program devoted to its discussion.
B. The fact that anyone thinks that the love/sex habits of a fat woman and her skinny counterpart are television worthy only reinforces the perception that the life of a fat person is so obscure, so completely outlandish, that the world would need a docu-drama to understand it.
C. No.
Hi World, there is nothing about me that is TV worthy, except I have five kids. That’s literally a sitcom.
(SPOILER ALERT: We are totally, painfully average.)
I’m not an exception. I’m not an anomaly. I don’t need a documentary detailing the normalcy that is my life. I don’t need to be told I should feel lucky to have a man that doesn’t care about my size. I don’t need to give television viewers a glimpse inside the house of the lady who “let herself go,” and the man who puts up with her.
The inevitability here is the world wants to know what’s happening inside our marriage. After the kids are in bed, and the dishes are cleaned up, and the laundry is folded, and I’ve eaten half a package of Oreos.
What about the SEX? Oh my God. Do you guys have sex? Do fat people even have sex at all? Does your husband even WANT to have sex with you? Can he even get an erection?
Yes.
We have sex. We have it a lot. It is good.
I am bigger than him. This may bring up some questions: Can you be on top? If you are, do you crush him? If you do it doggy style, can he get over your giant bulbous ass? Can you even do it doggy? Do you need a crane? Can his penis find your vagina? Can YOU find your vagina? What is it LIKE to have sex when you are so FAT?
Well, it’s like…SEX. Heterosexual, cis-man, cis-woman intercourse. There is a penis and a vagina. The penis goes INSIDE the vagina and then there is some motion (usually in and out) and other stuff (kissing, etc.), and then orgasms happen. For BOTH PARTIES, even. We have sex in all the positions people have sex in. Except not with anything suspended, not because I’m too fat for sex hammocks, but because I am just straight terrified of heights. Sometimes I may have to move a thing out of the way (a giant boob, for example) but none of this impedes our sex life. It’s not fat sex. It’s just SEX. Human sex.
But wait, there’s more.
We have oral sex too! That’s where the mouth goes on the other person’s sex organ (i.e. penis/vagina). It’s possible that my vulva is fatter because my body is fatter. However, it is STILL a vulva. There is a clitoris — my husband actually knows where it is (which is more than I can say for a lot of other straight cis men). My clitoris still functions as it should, regardless of my fat thighs. I like oral sex — giving and receiving. I don’t feel a shroud of shame over my jiggling parts. I don’t feel so paralysingly embarrassed that I can’t enjoy myself and find joy in him enjoying himself. My stomach roll may be in the way sometimes, but it’s never in the way of a good time.
I’m smart. I’m funny. I can knit a whole sweater. I bake a badass cake.
He is smart. He is funny. He plays the drums and guitar. He makes the best coffee.
He is sexy.
I am also sexy. I feel sexy. I wear sexy, revealing lingerie. My body is not a source of shame for me — even though the world will tell me it is. I will not listen.
My husband and I are absolutely, madly in love. Neither of us qualifies or defines that love by our hair color or eye color or height or (surprise) weight. I weighed 125 pounds when we started dating. I was beyond just thin. I now weigh 210 pounds. I am beyond just curvy.
The subject of my size almost never comes up. No, really. I’m not lucky to have a man who loves me even though I am fat. I am lucky to have a man who is an awesome human being. He is not a fetishist. He doesn’t get a blue ribbon for loving me despite my body; he loves me both for my body and regardless of it.
This article was originally published on Ravishly. It has been republished here with full permission.
Joni M. Edelman is a feminist, wife, mom of five, Editor In Chief at ravishly.com, and (sometimes) RN. Follow Joni on twitter and instagram.
Top Comments
These questions would be extremely rude but as far as I can see occurred only in the writer's head which suggests she may have some issues but that's her own affair and none of our business. She appears to think that the producer may have thought this but, based on the article, he never asked any of them. Generally best to base our views on other people on what they actually do rather than what we think they really want to do but don't.
What a rude jerk!
I'm sure this article is helpful to a lot of women , but what I think would be extremely helpful perhaps even more so if there were some blogs from guys talking about how much they adore their plump wife, find her sexy etc. because I'm slightly overweight and I worry about it too.
Of course being in good health and therefore at a healthy weight (whatever that may be) should be a goal, but I think we shouldn't be judged on this, because surely the contents of our minds and hearts should be the important aspect, or am just being hopelessly naïve that being a good person should be considered more attractive than just someone's weight.
I have a friend who never has a bad word to say about anyone, she never gossips or divulges secrets , she is good tempered, kind and tolerant, but I know she has some issues about her weight. I think here she is with one of the nicest personalities of anyone I have ever met and she's worrying if she meets the grade because of her weight. By the way her boyfriend adores her, and no wonder, but it's sad that this whole weight thing brings her self esteem done.
I also question what this pursuit of looking great does to our souls when so many of is put more precedence on looking good being thin then working on bettering our personalities or minds.
I would love to hear from some men are there women you know who aren't considered physically attractive yet you find very attractive because of their lovely personality?