real life

She had been through so much. And he'd gone through it all with her. But it still wasn't enough.

Kayla Ramsay

 

 

 

 

 

By KAYLA RAMSAY

The following is an excerpt from Warrior Princess, a memoir outlining the effect of childhood trauma on present-day experiences. In this extract, our writer discovers that the success of her marriage has little to do with her husband, and everything to do with how she perceives him.

I’d forgotten how to listen. I’d forgotten the very reason I fell in love with him; the way he could watch a documentary, read a book, or hear a story – and recite it all back to me so perfectly that I could fall into his world, and feel safe and welcome. Because unlike the worlds I knew before, his were controlled. He was both the hero and the master of his adventures, and he could change the story as he pleased.

It was two months since the New Year, when he’d raised doubts about the future of our marriage. I hadn’t seen it coming. Since then, my whole world had come undone and I’d found myself lost, tangled and formless in the frayed strings of my former self, so tightly and wrongly woven around misconceptions of him, of me, of us.

We took a road trip that weekend, and he drove with his hand on my knee like a man afraid. He looked over at me with that combination of sadness and strength, knowing I was lost to myself, but not to him. Not yet.

As he drove I sat curled up on the seat beside him – and he began gently, gently calling me back with the sound of his voice again. With his stories. And soon my own voice was calmed and soothed, and the other voices quietened. As the hours passed, the walls of my mind strengthened their boundaries. The shuddering stopped, and clarity began to descend. He told me stories that at first, sounded just like a distant hum. Stories of machines, spy thrillers and science. And as I listened more, they became stories of spirit, heroism and strength.

And it was now that I could look in his eyes as though looking up through water. Seeing him, looking at me through the rippled glass and reaching his hand down.

And I began to realise that he’d seen clearly all along. It was me who was drowning, looking through the distortion and the pain, turning away and letting myself sink down, down into darkness.

And then I saw it; the exhaustion in his face. The load he’d carried so willingly and so lovingly.

The pain of living with this hurricane of a woman every day, who he wanted so much to protect. The sense of failure when he couldn’t. The love, and everything he’d protected me from. And the pain of me, telling him it wasn’t enough.

I had been blind to all his work. I had been deaf to all his stories. But I could see him now; his armour torn down by pain, his eyes wide with exhaustion. His shoulders slumped and hands open. I’m here. I’m here. Why is it not enough?

And then flickers of memory rose from the night. A nightmare of being hunted and being woken by my own trembling, but slipping back into sleep, soothed by his hand stroking my hair. And with the memory came others. Dreamlike slithers and sensations of his hand holding mine as we lay side by side. Of his hand stroking my cheek. And my head being lifted gently back on to the pillow.

I looked down at his hand on my knee now. Those hands I fell in love with. The ones that protected me in the darkest nights, and held me so tightly when I was afraid. The hands that found me in bustling crowds, and secured me in my fits of madness.

Silently I turned my face to the window and kept listening to him talk. I just kept listening. There really are no words you can offer a person who has already given you more than you could ever have hoped for.

Kayla Ramsay is a writer, journalist and survivor who writes on a range of topics including mental illness, trauma, womanhood, love and spirituality. She is currently working on completing her first manuscript, blogging and writing at www.kaylaramsay.com.

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Top Comments

B 11 years ago

My best friend has needed so much support through her 20s and unfortunately she has a bastard of a partner who just doesn't understand and hasn't fought for her and with her but has belittled and put her down (and worse). She is almost a broken woman who is now i her 30s and is trying to find her way out with her daughter. I wish he had been like your partner so that her life may have been so very different from how it has ended up.
Good luck with everything Kayla xx


Serenity 11 years ago

Such a beautiful peice Kayla - I was sad it ended I could have kept reading your beautiful words and inspirational story. I am your husband - trying to love , support and protect my husband - but he doesn't see it. To him I am
Controlling , moody and mean. I don't know how much longer I can hold on before I too feel myself slipping into the darkness of my past . the prrssures of today and struggle of tomorrow . I will pray for his epiphany moment. I wish you and your husband well for your future .

Kayla 11 years ago

Hi Serenity. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I think every situation is different but one thing I've observed is that sometimes the outcome is better when you don't try to help. Simply be there for them. Offer unconditional love, acceptance and support and allow them to learn their own lessons. By releasing your expectations, you both become less burdened.

Our wedding song was "Beside You" by Dave Dobbyn. I always think of it to remind me that we are not here to carry one another, but to run beside each other on our individual journeys. Love is a powerful force and sometimes it takes far more strength to be able to step back and let go. It's like learning to swim - let them go into the deep end. You're there watching, and won't let them drown - but if you let them paddle on their own for a little, they will learn how to kick with their own legs - and realise they can stay afloat, after all. Does that make sense?

I'm still learning. I don't think any of us will ever have it all figured out but... if you're acting with love, you're always doing the right thing.

Kayla x