When someone decides to leave a relationship there’s a very real possibility they may never again see the person who was once the centre of their Universe. For some that might be exactly as it should be.
But if you’ve been blessed to have children together and your once significant other is not unfit to share in their upbringing, and they want to, then you’ve still got a long road of “together” ahead.
Here are some key ways that have helped ease my pain and confusion on a path that I did not think I’d be walking when my ex and I first thought about having children together. If you have also decided to separate and co-parent I hope these bring you a lighter heart too:
1) Set the intention to have a compassionate and supportive co-parenting relationship.
Believe it or not, the person that was once your “everything” does not have to suddenly become the enemy. In the end it doesn’t matter who decides they can’t stay in a relationship ~ make the decision that if you can’t be great together, then you’re going to commit to being the best co-parent you can be.
2) Remember the qualities that you admired about your ex as a parent, when you were both still feeling the bliss. Of course there are going to be times when you both simply can’t stand the sight of each other, but just because someone’s no longer your partner doesn’t mean they’re not a great parent. Try to keep their best qualities at the forefront of your mind and remember that you’re in this together.
3) Talk to your kids about your ex’s great qualities.
Put photos up of them with the kids. This doesn’t need to be confusing ~ it’s possible to make it clear to even very young children that you believe your ex is a great Dad/Mum, you just weren’t great together. It’s also a beautiful and important reminder that your kids need both of you.
4) Try not to talk to all and sundry about a decision that you two, as parents, need to make.
While speaking with others can help you sift through different ideas, in the case of looking after your own children and the next steps you both need to take as co-parents, in your own unique set of circumstances, it is your two opinions that count.
While new partners will naturally be confided in with any decision we make, I believe decisions that concern my children should be made with their needs, my needs and their father’s being met first. New partners might just need to wear this and be reassured by their own partner that their time will come.
5) Don’t dump your new partner’s needs and feelings on your ex.
As much as they matter to you, a new partner’s needs are irrelevant to your ex. If you’re having a hard time with a new partner having something to say about your co-parenting relationship, deal with it yourself. Don’t dump that grief on the person you’re trying to co-parent with.
Remember, your first priority is to work out how to best care for your kids. They need to come first. But don’t forget, part of the beauty of co-parenting is that you do get time “off” which is when you can then focus on anyone else you please.
6) Think about how you can make your ex’s life easier whilst still having your own needs and wants met.
Just because you’re no longer together doesn’t mean that kindness and understanding won’t go a long way to making everyone’s life easier. When my ex and his new partner decided to move in together, because I didn’t care where in the city I lived, I moved across town so that we could continue to be within an easy distance of each other and the kids’ new school.
Do what you can for the other person and it will come back to you ~ if in no other kind than peace of mind.
7) Appreciate the parenting skills you see working in your partner’s new relationship, if there is one.
We can all learn from someone else’s experience.
8) Keep to previously agreed schedules and arrangements yet be open-minded and flexible enough to realise that plans will occasionally have to be changed.
Be gracious and understanding, and mindful of how you’d like to be treated.
9) Do the inner work that needs to be done to help you be the best co-parent you can be and prepare you for the next relationship you might want to have.
Be that person you’re looking for. Spend time alone. Immerse yourself in new things. Recharge your batteries for you, your kids and that new person who might already be looking for you.
Emma Bathie is a Life and Abundant Mindset Coach who empowers women to realize that fear is only “excitement on pause” and that NOW is the time to press PLAY! on the life they’ve come here for. She has a gift for seeing another person’s zone of genius and for helping them create the practical steps that will have them living the life they’ve secretly been dreaming about. Learn more about her work here and join her Facebook page for tips and inspiration.
Are you a co-parent? Do you have any advice? If not, do you think you could handle a co-parenting arrangement?
Top Comments
Im a co-parenter, it sux some of the time especially when other mothers say that I am SO LUCKY I have a whole week off from the kids so I should be happy, well maybe you should consider next time about how YOU would feel if a Court told you, you CANNOT see your kids for 7 whole days and there is NOTHING you can do about it.
Co parenting can work well when both parties are equally invested and mature enough to execute it effectively. I have one friend who co-parents and it works beautifully because of all the things in this article. I also have another very good friend of mine who co-parents and it's getting worse by the day. She split custody of the children literally 50/50, despite the fact that she was main breadwinner and care giver and cleaner and cooker etc. She has walked away with 30% of the estate (he took her to the cleaners out of pure spite and she let him to get it over and done with), and they had an agreement in writing - signed off by the lawyers, that they would split everything to do with the children 50/50. She purchased a lovely home with her share, and has set it up to make sure every belonging the kids have in their original home, is duplicated in her home - yep, the kids literally have TWO of EVERYTHING so they don't need to feel like they're packing every few days. It's crazy the lengths she has gone to.
It all worked well in theory, except...
- he wants to be able to take the children to a holiday in Singapore yet won't let her take the children to a holiday overseas. Even more alarming was when she agreed to compromise and have him come along - and help PAY for him, and he still disagreed purely on the basis that he didn't want her to have a holiday with the children at ALL. And now he can't understand why she won't let him take them to Singapore, apparently she is being 'selfish.'
- he demands she be flexible with the days she has them when it suit him, e.g. he'll buy soccer tickets for a night when he knows she has them and expect her to move her nights, and she is always flexible. But in reverse - nope, he won't change his nights ever unless it suits him, which results in the kids missing out, e.g. he wouldt let them see her on her birthday.
- he is now crying poor despite walking away with 70% (including a second property and a huge nest egg) and refusing to pay 50% of the kids school fees because 'she earns more and its always been her job to pay those bills anyway.'
It's truly heartbreaking, given their marriage broke down because of his laziness, complacency, lack of involvement in his kids lives and general inability to support his family - AND she went through years of marriage counselling trying to save it because in her religion people do NOT divorce, and the women instigating it is especially taboo!
Anyway, it seems the more this goes on the more it proves why she left him in the first place, but her biggest challenge is trying to deal with it without the kids being aware of the conflict. It's so sad because she really wants it to work and it won't because her ex is unfortunately an immature, selfish douche who is more concerned with his own feelings rather than the better welfare of his kids. I predict it's going to end up back in court with her going for a larger percentage of custody, and its such a shame.
*rant over*... phew, sorry about that.