The
number of women changing their name after marriage has tripled in the past decade. In 2006, 12,923 women formally changed their names, up from 4020 in 1996. This is one of those subjects that just keeps on keeping on. I received the following email from a MM reader recently and I knew everyone would want to pile in and give their opinions :
Dani writes….
Mine is women changing their name and I thought it might be a topic for a post on your site.
I’ll preface this by saying that I have absolutely no problem with women who choose to change their name to their husbands name. I’m a bit old school about everyone doing their own thing, making their own choices and nobody batting an eyelid (even when I heard a woman call out to her son, Rainbow, last week)
It never occurred to me to change my surname when I married. My mother didn’t and neither did four of my five aunties. Its only in hindsight I realise that this was much more difficult for my middle class, catholic, small community mother in the late 70s than I ever realised as a child. I went to a small catholic school where from my (slightly hazy) memory there were no divorced parents and every other mother had the same name as every father. The stupid questions I get must have been even more magnified for my mother.
I have had accountants, bank staff, medicare and other random people repeatedly tell me that I’ve ‘accidentally’ ticked the married box. A quick ‘no that is right, married’ doesn’t cut it when they start to slowly explain to me that I have put my title as “Ms” and there are two surnames. Do these people live under a rock? Did the sexual revolution that happened two decades before I was even born completely pass these people by?
I won’t even start banging on about children. ‘Won’t your children be confused” was the most common question. I desperately wanted to respond “I’m hoping to raise stupid children”, but was too polite and just used to mutter that I managed my whole life with the concept without any trouble. And anyway, if all my kids have to complain to a shrink about when they are 21 is that they had a double-barrelled surname, I reckon we did a pretty good job quite frankly.
People still ask me, five years into marriage whether I might change my mind – or more explicitly – my name.
Which brings me to my beef this week. Why do women in public life who start out keeping their names, change them later, and don’t ever let anyone know.
Hilary Rodham was herself until Bill ran for the Governor’s position. That apparently became some kind of political problem (can’t run Arkansas if you are spending all that time trying to remember your wife’s surname) and she went double barrelled. My potted memory of Bill and Hillary’s time in public life was that she then went double barrelled and then very slowly lost the Rodham, ending up Hilary Clinton by the time she ran for the Democratic nomination for President.
I’ve always been a big Hilary fan and felt disappointed by this. Is it not enough that the woman has to make her hair and clothes ‘people pleasers’ without having to choose a name that least offends?
I’ve always been a bit of a closet fan of Sarah O’Hare/Murdoch. Closet because models married to billionaires aren’t normally high on my people to admire. Sarah always seemed so warm, down to earth and genuinely happy that I developed a soft spot for her. Now again, relying on my memory isn’t a great thing, but I thought she was still Sarah O’Hare well after she got married and was shocked a couple of years ago to see her referred to as Sarah Murdoch. I fired off a complaint letter to the publication (old lady in training over here) and got a response that they had checked that was the name she was using.
Now if I get bored of the stupid questions from Medicare and family friends saying ‘but when you got married, didn’t you want to create a family?’ (personally, I think the curly, red headed toddler is a pretty good indication that yes, a family was on our list), I can only imagine what it is like when your in the public eye.
Which is why I have the utmost respect for our PM’s wife, Therese Rein. That’s right, the clever lady married to Kevin Rudd. I’m not sure if its because the Australian electorate is less ignorant than the Americans or whether after managing to hang onto her name for 55 years it was not negotiable for her, but whatever the reason its wonderful to see.
It seems to me that for very successful women, with equally as successful husbands (and success is often high profile), its easier to start a global empire or appear in the High Court than it is to keep your surname if that’s what they want.”
All my girlfriends in their 40s kept their name when they married. All my friends in their 30s changed theirs. Now I have friends in their late 20s who are getting married and it seems to be a bit of a mix. I didn’t change my name when I got married because as a journalist, your name is your by-line and thus your reputation (and income). I also felt very strongly back then that it was the right thing to do. For me.
As I get older, I feel less strident about all kinds of things and this is one of them. I really think it comes down to personal choice. I also believe you can change your name and still be a feminist. I do. And I respect the decision of women to do either. And sometimes to change their mind down the track, perhaps when they have children. Or get divorced!
Which is an interesting point in itself. Now that the divorce rate is so high (1 in 2? 1 in 3?), are women thinking more carefully before they change their names just in case they have to change them back again? And do you change it back afterwards? I know some divorced women who have and others who haven’t.
Where do you stand on the whole name-changing debate?
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Top Comments
My mother was an ardent feminist so when I was born I was given her surname and my father's surname as a middle name. Personally, I would never consider changing my name. It is the first thing people hear when I introduce myself to them and (no offense to any women who have changed their name) I would hate to be defined by the man I married when he would not (usually) be defined by me. I don't think I will become a whole new person when/if I get married so why give myself a new name? I'm also Gen Y and a lot of my female friends would change their name. My feminist best friend hates her surname and can't wait to change it and I fully support her choice. So basically I think it all comes down to what particular women choose, I just hope that they do it for the right reasons.
My husband met me halfway - we both changed our surname to Web. We would expect (though not obligate) our daughter (or son if we have one) to do the same when she (he) gets married - collaboratively pick a new name that she (he) feels represents her (his) vision for her (his) new family.
I also know a couple of graphic designers who changed their surnames to Pixel.
hyphenating your kids surname only delays the problem, sooner or later their kids are going to have to drop a name. And if you can't give credit to everyone who dserves half the credit for your genetics (your mother, your grandmother, etc) then its only fair to give credit to no one. That way as well, your achievements/failures as an adult don't reflect on one half of the family, they reflect on you only (then your behaviour will only reflect on them when relevant - when you thank them during acceptance speeches).
I think my husband is extremely brave and a pioneer for not just women's rights but equal rights (despite having a strong Italian catholic family). And of course I use "Ms" as my married status is irrelevant to my value as a citizen (so utility forms don't need the specification, especially since men get along just fine without outward symbols of engagement or their title specifying their maritial status).
The other thing we do is we talk about it as though it was a couple decision (implying that both of us considered changing/keeping our names, not just the feminine partner): "We BOTH decided to keep our own names" OR "We BOTH decided to make _______ the family name"
The main thing that annoys me about these sort of articles is that enlightened women thoughtfully agonise over name changing/keeping, while men blissfully never have to consider it (and if we politely ask them to consider it, they get offended - even though they assume we'll take their surname without even bothering to politely raise it as an optional question). Why don't more women ask their men how they would feel about him taking her name, or him changing his name also? (You can still respect his decision if he point blank says no, but if he gets offended, well now he knows how it felt for women before they became desensitised to the tradition.)