GUEST POST: ‘I never expected to be a young widow’

“It was 1992, we met at the gym, we were both 24 and single, I had a 2 year old daughter, he was a Fire Fighter, I was from the city, he was from the country, I had been married and divorced, he had lived the single life.  He wore muscle singlets, I wore bike pants and g-string leotards.

I remember the first time he came to my house I was so excited, I remember what I wore, I remember what he wore, we were so different but there was an undeniable connection. We clicked.

Before long, he was a permanent fixture in my life, it happened naturally, we adored each other – and he started to form a bond with Miss2, she had no relationship with her bio dad – so she was dubious at first because she didn’t really know what a Dad was, but he didn’t give up as much as she made it hard for him, damn little stubborn Taurean!  He didn’t give up, bigger more stubborn Taurean!

After 2 years, the three of us moved in together – a young happy family with endless possibilities.  He was a super hands on dad, taking her to her first day of school and leaving a note under her desk saying that he loved her, he ironed her uniforms, packed lunches, supervised homework, taught her how to use computers, taught her how to box (she had a mean right hook), and he pulled her into line (nicely) when required.  Their relationship went from strength to strength – and soon she loved him, he stopped being Brett, and he became Dad.

Looking back now we were so young, of course we had our ups and downs but we were best friends.  He got me, And I got him.  We were married in the Rose Garden in the Botanic Gardens on Valentines Day 1998, Miss7 and I wore ivory dresses from Cash Palace, hers was long, mine was short, the ceremony was beautiful, the three of us exchanged rings & and the three of us signed the marriage certificate… our commitment to each other as a family.

FFWD to 2002 and our relationship was faltering, we were trying to establish careers, money was tight, we had started to grow apart, neither of us really knew where we were going. But there was never any question that we loved each other deeply, we had grown up together & raised Miss11 together – our bond was strong.  So when he was offered a contract to work in Taiwan for 12 months, earning great money, we saw it as the perfect opportunity to regroup, reassess and plan a way forward.  We wanted to have a child together, we wanted Miss11 to have a sibling, but we wanted financial security first.

He left for Taiwan with the thought that he would check it out for a while to see if he thought it was appropriate for Miss11 and I to join him – but he soon realised that his ‘Princesses’ would not cope with the culture, heat & lack of friends.  So he made every effort to return home every 6 weeks or so, for a week – god we all missed each other but we just got on with it.  Miss11 was a handful by herself with no Daddy to pull her into line – but they spoke on the phone and on webcam all the time where he got to remind her to be good to me.

He came home in the May of 2002 – and after 8 weeks apart I knew something wasn’t right, we couldn’t reconnect, it was frustrating & weird, we were like strangers, tip toeing around each other – and he ended up getting a call to go back to Taiwan early.

We spoke and emailed over the next few weeks but we knew that our relationship had changed – it was clear to both of us.  Eventually one night we had the inevitable conversation … our marriage was probably over … we talked about our life together, we reminisced, we laughed & we cried.  We agreed that Miss11 was our absolute number 1 priority, we would continue raising her harmoniously together no matter what happened between us.

It was a long conversation & it was lovely – and the very last thing I said to him was “We will always be in each others lives, hell, I can’t imagine my life without you in it”

The call came at 2am the next night, it was Brett’s caller id but it was a colleague of his calling from Brett’s phone – he explained that Brett had been running on the treadmill at they gym and collapsed, he was conscious enough to ask them to call an ambulance, and the message that this guy was giving me was that Brett was in hospital, had an irregular heartbeat & they were trying to stabilise him – no biggie I thought – he’s had an anxiety attack because of our conversation the previous night – I had been feeling pretty anxious all that day too.

I told the guy to keep me updated, hung up & I ran around the house looking for my passport, just in case Brett needed me to be there for him.

Less than half an hour later my phone rang again, same guy, he blurted out “the hospital needs your permission to do whatever they have to do to save his life” … my world went into slow motion, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, I said “hang on, what are you trying to say to me, that he’s  going to die?” – he replied “probably, yes” – just like that – and the phone dropped out & I couldn’t get a connection back.

I called the next most important man in my life, my brother, and he was at my side in an instant, we stayed up all night waiting for the phone to ring, convincing ourselves that he was a young, strong, fit guy, there’s no way he would die …

The next call didn’t come until 9am – after 7 gut wrenching, vomiting, crying hours. The voice on the phone was Bla Bla from Bla Bla Bla … he said “I have some terrible news for you, Brett has passed away” – more vomiting, complete disbelief and numbness.  I went to Miss11’s room where she was starting to wake, and I began to tell her, the look on her face as I was slowly explaining that he ad been taken to hospital, was one I won’t forget, “just say it, just tell me” she screamed, and these were without doubt, to be the most horrific words I will ever speak “he died baby”  – and at that moment, our lives, our paths, were changed forever.

The next weeks went by in a blur of crying, valium, visitors, flowers, dealing with foreign embassies, translators, Taiwanese hospitals, funeral homes, insurance companies, shipping companies, solicitors & quarantine – very little sleep, and alcohol, a lot of alcohol.

After 3 torturous weeks navigating the red tape of the very first ex-pat death in Taiwan, they finally agreed to fly him home.  My father met him at the airport, I couldn’t do it, and I’ll never forget that call from my father, he was crying “it’s him baby, it’s really him” – as though he had expected to see someone else – like it was all going to be a big mistake.
There’s not a day that goes by that we don’t think of him.  We still cry for him sometimes (like right now), we talk about him sometimes, but mostly we just have him in our private thoughts.  Regardless of what happens between Miss18 and I, we are connected in a way that transcends everything else – no one else was there the moment our lives changed.  We moved on, and eventually got happy through Psychotherapy (that’s another story) – there’s really nothing else you can do … but we will never truly recover.”