Evelyn* writes
.“I’m 20 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. He has spent the last year working full time on order to save up money to travel overseas by himself. I couldn’t go with him as I’m a full time student, and also work part time 5 days a week.
Our relationship has been like nothing else. I trusted him with my entire heart, and he lost his virginity to me (I’d had a few partners before him). I trusted him to be overseas for two months because I honestly believe that he is the nicest, most lovely person I know.
He returned a week ago, and we have spent the last week together. However, he told me 2 days ago that while he was overseas he got exceptionally drunk one night and slept with a local girl from South Africa. I was, and am, absolutely shell shocked. I cannot believe he would do this, and that he wouldn’t tell me for a week. Instead, for that entire week he was back, he kept saying how much he appreciated me, and how special our bond is. He says that what has happened has made him realise this.
I don’t think he’s a serial cheater- he says he will do anything to get me back. I’m devastated because he and I have been through a lot- I was diagnosed with depression 6 months ago and have only recently starting getting back on my feet. I was due to go off anti depressants and finish up seeing my psychologist next week. Instead, I have now booked us both in for sessions with a psychologist. I desperately want to fix this, but I’m so scared. I wanted to know if anyone else had been through a similar experience, and if they had any advice for me?”
Let’s share our wisdom with Evelyn*. Have you had a similar experience? Is there anything you have learned that may help her through this difficult time?
Top Comments
My main issue with this is that your boyfriend came back & didn't tell you for a WEEK & SLEPT with you while hiding this infidelity from you. If someone cares about you and truly regrets this indiscretion how could they not tell you STRAIGHT away ? How could they have sex with you & be so intimate knowing that you have NO idea that he has just recently slept with another woman? Especially considering there is the possibility of HIV/STDs being involved! THIS is the absolute deal breaker for me, I don't feel like he was considering YOUR feelings or needs by telling you, I feel he probably waited a week then decided he couldn't handle the guilt so then fessed up. If he REALLY cared and was TRULY sorry, considerate etc then why didn't he tell you STRAIGHT after it happened?? Or at LEAST as soon as he arrived home and not after a week of telling you how much he appreciated you and sleeping with you! ?
Ruby love,
I'm glad you've taken STD tests and even more glad you'll give the relationship another try. I think it would be a good idea for you and your boyfriend to now sit down together and agree on what you, jointly, define as 'cheating'.
Even those commenters who agree that "cheating is never ok" are likely to have some disagreement on what is cheating - some will thing flirting is out of bounds, some think that's ok but kissing isn't, some won't worry until it gets to sex. That's all ok.
For me, it's only cheating if it's done behind my back. Early in our relationship we agreed that, if he wanted to flirt/kiss/have sex with/date other women, my feelings and opinions would come first. If I don't feel like I'm still the #1 lady in his life, then it isn't ok.
I've been cheated on in a monogamous relationship and I have so much _less_ jealousy in this open relationship. For me it works something like: "Monogamy assumes 1 person at a time, so if he finds someone else attractive then he doesn't find me attractive and if he wants to be with her then he doesn't want to be with me and is gong to leave me. But in this relationship, finding someone attractive and maybe wanting to have sex with her doesn't mean that he finds me any less so; wanting leave me is a completely unrelated issue."
Maybe your boyfriend is feeling a bit young to be monogamous and wants to experiment a bit; talk to him and you might find some "Only doing X with Y" conditions that you're ok with. I'm not saying this is better - it's not for everyone and it isn't always easy - but you have the freedom to choose what is ok with you.