“I’ve never heard of a husband ghosting his wife. Until mine did.”
When my husband and I got married, we came up with a plan of attack for the next couple years. As I was from New York City and he from Paris, we’d start out with a year in NYC, then a year in Paris after we got married, and the visa situation would be easier to handle.
We decided on how much money each of us needed to make in order to live comfortably, travel, and be able to jump back and forth between the two countries to visit friends and family. Granted, it wasn’t a five-year-plan, as some couples do, but our two-year-plan made sense for us.
And although we knew it wouldn’t be easy, because of logistics and someone would always have to be compromising, we moved forward. I actually dared to believe in a happily-ever-after.
But then tension grew between us. While I worked toward our ultimate goal, he decided to take a back seat. Instead of working more, both at his current (part-time, mind you) job and on his music, he sort of — as much as I hate to say this — gave up.
He’d never been an exceptionally ambitious person, but believing I had enough ambition for both of us, I let it slide at first. However, as time went on, I realized that this man that I loved had no interest in holding up his end of the bargain.
Instead, while I worked and made plans, he napped, and when I ran something by him, he nodded, as if he was just along for the ride and had zero interest in looking at the map.
Before I left Paris in July, I told him we needed to take some time to work on ourselves, separate from each other. Since he wasn’t going to be coming to NYC until early October, I thought it would give us time to sort of regroup on our own terms.
I could focus on what I needed to do for me, as well as for our relationship, and he could do the same. Again, he nodded, as he’d been doing for months, so I thought we had made the decision together.
I was wrong.
I wasn’t back in the States for more than a couple of weeks when he decided to call and tell me that he didn’t want to change. He had no interest in bettering himself, his life, or sticking to the promises he’d originally made.
He said that he thought it would be better if we divorced because he had no intention of being the man I want or deserve. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but it wasn’t up for debate.
After that phone call, he was gone.
At first, I thought he needed time, so it made sense that my calls, texts, and emails went unanswered. But it still didn’t stop me from reaching out.
Then it came to my attention that he had blocked all my friends on Facebook (always the mature thing to do), as well as me. So, I decided to take the endearing route by singing into his voicemail, texting him our personal jokes, and sending cute photos of us via Viber. Still nothing.
Day after day went by, and I never heard a peep. He was just gone.
Simply, I was being ghosted by my husband.
Ghosting is, as its name suggests, a disappearing act one pulls on someone they’re dating. I’d heard of people being ghosted by those they had casually dated or even people they were in a relationship with, but just weren’t all that invested in. But I’d never heard of a husband ghosting his wife.
I mean, that’s just crazy talk. But, thanks to the ocean between us, that’s what was happening; actually, that IS what’s happening. I haven’t heard from my husband since August 22nd, to be exact.
Having broken up with people before and having been dumped a few times in my life, too, I already know that breaking up is never easy. No matter who decides to end it, it’s painful, it’s always a loss. Even if it takes you a while to see it, and in order to move on, there has to be a closure.
Watch: Mamamia Confessions- ‘The moment I knew my relationship was over.’ (post continues after video).
Most breakups provide a level of closure. Maybe it’s not your dream closure, in which everything is wrapped up neatly in a little package with a bow, but it’s at least something. When you’re being ghosted, there’s NOTHING. There’s no closure, there’s no discussion, it’s just… gone.
While I’d briefly given up on trying to contact him, when my birthday came and went and he didn’t show up at my door apologizing for his cruelty (as I had daydreamed he would), I’ve since gone back to trying to contact him with a renewed sense of “you’re going to ghost me? Well, watch me annoy the hell out of you” instead.
I don’t know if he’s blocked my number, if my email has been set to spam, or if it all goes through, he sees it, and just actively chooses not to respond. And that’s definitely the worst part about all of this: the not knowing.
And it’s in all this not knowing that I’m forced to realize that maybe I never knew this man at all. The man I met and fell in love with and married in December of 2013 isn’t the man who would do this.
Yes, the man I loved (and still love) was never one for confrontation, but this isn’t some high school love affair; this is a marriage and you have to work at it. You have to f*cking woman-up and deal, as I’ve yelled a couple times into his voicemail at this point.
As I sit here, once again hoping to hear back from my husband, I guess all I can do is move forward. I may love him with everything I have, but I can’t wait around to see if he’s going to call, text, or even email.
All I can do is realize that what he told me that night, the part about him not ever going to be the man I want or deserve, is very accurate. The man I want to be with and the man I deserve wouldn’t just bail when things get rocky; the man I want and deserve is going to stand his ground, with me, fight for us, and work things out.
To the best of my knowledge, that’s what a marriage is supposed to be. Sadly, I don’t think my ghosting husband got that memo.
This article was originally published on YourTango.
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Top Comments
It actually sounds like he has depression. He might be an asshole or might actually be quite unwell- have you spoken to his friends and family?
I am going through this hell right now. My partner of two and a half years with whom I own a house with left me. I went to work one day, we'd been joking, had a very minor disagreement about spraying our house for spiders and my son and I got home that night and there was a note left on our bed that he couldn't do this anymore. Said he'd been in this position with his ex wife 5 years earlier and he wasn't doing it again. That was two weeks ago. He won't tell me where he is. Most of my calls and texts go unanswered. He told me last weekend that he needed space to reconsider us. He said there was a glimmer of hope he'd come back. I know he won't. The shitty bit about this is that almost a year to the day, I sold my house 5 hours away from all my family and friends and moved to be here with him because he wanted me in his life forever. We bought this house together six months ago. He wants me to stay in the house, but I can't bare to be here. Financially it makes sense. Huge sense. But it's damn hard when this was our dream. And now it's an empty lonely place. He welcomed my 15 year old son with open arms when he decided to live with us and not his biological father anymore. They got along like a house on fire. I could not ask for a better friendship between them. My son is devastated. But he's angry. As am I now. We have decided to stay in the town we've moved to. We really like it here. But we need to move out of this sickening place.
Ghosting is horrendous. I could feel him closing down a few months ago. He stopped communicating with me on an emotional level. I was a business transaction. He treated me like one of his staff. We still had sex. But he was clinical about it.
I'm so lost. I still love him.