A little community service announcement team; gather around while I ascend the soap box and cross my fingers that I don’t come across like an ungrateful cow.
Please stop asking me when I’m getting engaged.
At the risk of sounding unappreciative that you even care enough to ask (which I’m not, thank you for your interest), it’s getting to me.
It was like someone sounded a social siren at our two-year mark to indicate it was time we move to the next life milestone. I get asked at least once a day, I don’t even want to know what that number is for my partner.
You’ll often hear me bat back a sassy quip like “we’ll get engaged when we win lotto and can afford that diamond the size of my face!”, or, “wedding? Have you seen how much our family drink? I’ll be paying off the bar tab for five years!”
We laugh, the topic of conversation changes and we both go about our merry way. The truth is, asking me about when I’m getting engaged makes me incredibly anxious.
Want to hear about weddings from someone who does want to talk about them? Listen to The Recap of Married at First Sight’s second episode. (Post continues…)
I feel pressure to reach an important milestone in your time, not mine.
I feel judged about whether my relationship is solid and committed if there’s no ring that proves there is long-term commitment.
I feel like there are more important questions I’d love for you to ask instead. Like: ‘Are you happy?’
Also, who says I’m getting married?
John Farnham says it best: take the pressure down. Cause I can feel it, its rising like a storm.
My heart drops when people ask my partner about popping the question and I’m standing RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. All aboard the awkward express. I watch the poor guy blush, take a deep breath and say “not today”.
(Sidenote, I’m going to choose to hear that he’s gritting his teeth regarding the pressure to ask, not the actual idea of it!)
I worry that he’ll feel pressured to ask, not because he’s ready but because society is ready. That’s the last thing I want or need.
Why are we always searching for what is next rather than living in the moment?
You’re engaged and people ask when’s the wedding. You’re married and people ask are you planning a bub. Your baby isn’t out of nappies and you're fielding questions about whether you’re thinking about another.
It’s a human thing to ask each other about the next step. We’re interested, I get it.
There are couples out there that don’t want and or need a piece of paper to confirm what they already know - that they’re a killer team.
There are couples who get married and decide kids aren’t for them. Or, there are couples who can’t have kids. Asking about the next step could be a painful question for some.
Let’s make a pact that we enjoy today, enjoy the moment. Ask each other if you’re enjoying what you’re doing. Hell, ask if they’d like a glass of wine.
Let’s stop asking about the next step – because it makes us feel like we’re failing if we don’t get there on society's clock.
Kristen Henry is one half of Kristen and Rod for Breakfast on MIX 106.3 in Canberra. Follow her adventures here.
Top Comments
You're absolutely right to want your partner to wait until he actually WANTS to marry you and vice versa. Seriously, who would want someone to propose mainly because they felt pressured to? An ex of mine in his late thirties ended up marrying and having a child in a pretty short space of time with a woman basically because he felt pressured by both her and society's expectations into "settling down". They separated when their daughter was only a year old, and now his ex-wife's whims and whether she feels like "being a babysitter" (yes she used that term to describe looking after her own child!) control his life to the point he has no time or energy for anything other than his work and child rearing. The way he talked about it all made me lose a lot of respect for him because I thought, how could you make such major life-changing decisions just to please someone else? That is not the kind of person I want to be with!
I'm in my mid-thirties and I can tell you that society's expectations can ruin your life if you cave in. I'm so glad I've always stuck to my guns, followed my heart and done what feels right to me. I was constantly pressured about getting married and having kids with my first husband. It took me a very long time to feel like getting married to him, and I wasn't sure if I wanted kids. The marriage didn't work out. If I'd listened to society, I'd already have kids and my breakup would have been so much harder. I'm now entering into another relationship and I'm happier than I could ever have imagined. I actually WANT to get married and have kids now, not because society wants me to.