Image via iStock.
I became friends with Rosie at high school. We’d both been bridesmaids for one another. She’s been by my side during times of anxiety or grief, and she’s the first to cheer me on when I’ve got great news. Basically, I know her inside out.
While I love her like a sister, there’s one thing about Rosie I don’t like. In fact, I hate it. It makes my blood boil.
It’s the way she acts around my husband, Mick. At first I couldn’t put my finger on it, but now I feel it’s inexcusable.
RELATED: Mia Freedman: “Life’s too short for toxic friends. This is how I got rid of mine.”
It all started when we were celebrating a good friend’s birthday, her husband couldn’t make it, he was away on business, as he always is, so she tagged along with Mick and I. (Post continues after gallery.)
Best on-screen friendships.
The party was fun, everyone was drinking and Rosie was getting drunk. Noticeably drunk. I returned from the bathroom and came across her cuddled up closely to Mick. Her arm around his waist.
She’d just changed her brown hair to blonde and was asking his opinion of it.
RELATED: The 6 friends you need in your life (and the ten you don’t!).
Of course, Mick was being polite, he didn’t try to distance himself (even though I so wanted him to) and he, of course, told her what she wanted to hear (and the truth) – that she looked great.
While it wasn’t as though I’d walked in on anything I shouldn’t have, I couldn’t get the thought of my best friend all over my partner out of my head, as we changed the conversation and I noticed her slowly let go of Mick's waist.
‘Why doesn’t she fawn all over our other friends’ partners?’ I thought as my mind spun trying to think back to other occasions of flirting I might have missed.
'Why is Mick going along with this?'
RELATED: These are the 7 types of people who are most likely to cheat. (Apparently).
Although I desperately wanted to ask Mick whether he thought she was flirting with him and what he thought about it, I held off in the car on the way home.
‘Rosie’s your best friend,’ I thought. ‘She was just being friendly. They were both just being friendly.’
I pushed the thought out of my mind and life returned to normal.
Until the next gathering popped up.
We were celebrating a friend's child’s birthday a couple of weeks ago, a bit of a barbeque for the adults, really. Mick knows my friends well, so I don’t feel the need to stay by his side at these sort of events.
RELATED: This is the age you’re most likely to cheat.
I’d been chatting to some other mates for a while before getting up to grab another drink. Rosie and Mick were standing in a bigger group, but talking intently with each other only. (Post continues after gallery.)
On-screen cheaters
Again, the same unsettled feeling crept up on me.
I couldn’t help but hold my gaze on the way she was looking at him, staring deeply into his eyes, coquettish looks down and then up with big eyes boring into him, standing just that little bit too close. He looked a bit awkward, like he didn't know quite how to take it.
On the way home in the car, I couldn’t hold in my anger - even though I still wasn’t sure if I was overreacting or not.
“Rosie was flirting with you. I’ve seen her do it a few times now. It’s embarrassing me and I feel like you're flirting too, you just stand there!”
RELATED: 7 ways to shorten the distance between you and your best friends.
“Lou, are you kidding me? You know I wouldn't have a bar of it if she was,” He replied.
It was like someone had turned up the air-con up by 10 degrees Celsius. I could feel a tide of heat creep up my cheeks.
“She was all over you, Mick. Anyone could’ve seen it,” I said. Clipped.
“Look, she asked me not to tell you, but she’s having problems with Brian,” Mick sighed.
“He’s been away a lot, hasn’t really been showing that much interest. They’re fighting. You know, it’s not good. I had to tell you, though.”
This is where I really started to feel really sick in the stomach.
It’s not that Rosie had discussed a topic of this nature with my partner, it’s not even that it’s a supremely personal thing to tell someone you don’t know intimately.
RELATED: How to say ‘no’ to your friends and not feel guilty about it.
It’s that she chose to confide that information to him. To Mick. Not her best friend of over a decade - me. (Post continues after video.)
I felt betrayed. I felt awkward about it. I felt bad for her, yet angry that I wasn't privy to the information.
But mostly, I felt so injured that she’d asked my partner, who she knows I tell everything, to keep something a secret from me.
This was the sign for me, that Rosie was flirting with Mick. That something was going on, whether he was complicit or not.
She was trying to create their own shared agenda, something she could talk only to him about. Something that he would have to keep from me.
Of course, I want Rosie to be able to express her feelings about her marriage, and for her to feel she can talk to someone about her problems. But to ask my partner to basically lie to me?
Related: "My wedding day decision divided everyone, but I did it anyway. And I don't regret it."
I was shocked. Disappointed. And sad. So sad.
Do I confront Rosie? Do I call her out on her flirting? Do I tell her I know about her problems? Am I overreacting? Should I be more angry at Mick?
They’re the five questions that are stuck on rotation in my mind.
What would you do?
Top Comments
I have the same problem with my bestfriend been best friends since we met in high school we used to party all the time but every time I would become interested in a guy and confide in her and tell her I really like this guy she would steel him from me, i noticed when we started to grow up after high school that things were getting worse she would come over to mine and an ex boyfriends apartment change into more revealing clothes after a job interview like a Cami tank top and short ass yoga shorts, and she would flirt with my man with her body language im not the only one who noticed and im not the only one who bitched her out for it she said she aware of her actions? How do u not know how ur acting? A couple years later me and her got an apartment together she had guys come over all the time and thinking back to how i felt when she would wear provocative clothing around my boyfriends I didn’t want her to feel like I was trying to get attention so I changed into sweats I have my now fiancé over she gets home from work remind u it’s the middle of March so it’s not exactly warm enough for booty shorts we all smoke and to keep the appartment from smelling like a ashtray we went outside to smoke this girl goes outside in the winter in booty shorts and sits on the pavement,again I confronted her about what she wears and she says this is my apartment I should beable to wear what I want it’s what I’m comfortable in, yes I agree with that statement this was our shared apartment I pay rent here too and to be nice and considerate to you when u have men over I change my clothes so all the attention is on you. She didn’t understand what I meant at all it’s like she’s acting dumb but now since my fiancé and I have our own apartment I try to hang out with her when he’s working so I don’t feel like she’s being attention seeking, it’s hard to not have a normal best friend who don’t want the attention all on her
Hi Lou,
This is just awful to be going through, and you show grace in trying to assess your own reactions, to try and contextualise what's going on, and in how you've taken time before confronting your husband.
But let me be really clear: You are NOT overreacting. Even without anything else going on, even without any POTENTIAL for anything further to go on, you are facing a betrayal by your best friend.
As Alwaysabeliever says, it sounds like you are reading the cues accurately. You've given yourself time and thought challenging to change your perception of it, but it has not only remained, but INCREASED.
In addition, your friend has asked your husband to keep a significant secret from you. AND one that involves your best friend, her. Not only is this a red flag, but it seriously calls into question her integrity and the safety of your friendship.
Further (wow, forgive me, I'm on a roll here! *blush*), your husband is contributing to the creation of insecurity by being passive to what's occurring. He needs to set a clear boundary, to both protect your relationship and to restabilise it. He may have been oblivious to it, as well as enjoyed the attention and not paid it much mind, however he knows now and it's not acceptable for him to acquiese to it.
Rosie has broken trust and will have to jump through hoops to regain it. Your husband may have to regain a bit of lost trust too. How you negotiate this is up to you, but I'd really encourage you to validate your own experience and feelings on the matter. Regardless of what others think, you feel how you feel, and in this case you feel compromised, threatened, and insecure... and you have the right to have those feelings addressed.
Please let us know how you go; I know it's been six months, so it likely has already changed significantly. Wishing you security and connection...