Mel, Teresa and baby Florence are a beautiful, loving family.
But due to a petty legal hurdle, Mel can’t be listed as Florence’s ‘Other Mother’ on her birth certificate.
Mel and Teresa have been fighting for Mel to be recognised as Florence’s mum, but they feel like they are banging their heads against bureaucratic brick walls.
In Mel’s own words, this is the story of their ongoing battle to have her parental role and their loving family legally recognised…
I am Florence’s mother.
I may not have given birth to Florence but I was there for every step of the journey – from conception to the moment she came into this world.
It was an incredible experience to be the first to hold and feed her, and I was overwhelmed with happiness to welcome our gorgeous bundle of joy into our life.
But, what causes me immense sadness is that I am not listed on her birth certificate as her ‘Other Mother’ and legally I am not recognized as her family in Victoria. I can’t even adopt her as my own –Victoria’s State law makes it illegal.
I am constantly reminded that I am not viewed as her mum: when I take her for anything medical and I need to show Medicare details – I’m not on the same card; Maternal and Child Health appointments do not have me as the other mother; and I can’t include Florence on my Health Insurance.
These are things most parents take for granted – but I cannot.
Teresa, my partner and I met through ‘Pink Sofa’, an online dating site for gay women in 2011. We hit it off straight away due to the silly sense of humour that we both share. We continuously argue about who is the funniest out of the two of us – which of course is me!
10 stupid things you need to stop saying to gay parents.
We had only been dating a few weeks when I invited Teresa down to the beach to stay at my parent’s caravan.
Straight away I could tell something was worrying Teresa. Eventually, she sat down and quietly said to me, “before we go anywhere, I’ve got something to tell you….”
She hesitated. “I’ve been worried about telling you as I’ve been enjoying our time together….”
She stopped again, took a breath and then restarted: “I’m worried it will ruin the weekend and you’ll want to pack up and leave…”
Naturally, these comments sent my heart racing and my mind into overdrive: Have I just met someone who is dying? Has she got cancer? Has she got AIDS? Is she a mass-murderer?
Then she spoke again…and confessed to wanting a baby and starting IVF.
My first reaction was “Is that all?! I thought you were going to tell me you were dying!”
Teresa said she wasn’t expecting anything from me and was happy just to see how things developed. But, we quickly realised that we wanted to be together and the decision to embark on the IVF was made together.
The day came when Florence was born. It was then we found out that my name could not be put on her birth certificate as her ‘other mother’.
We requested the change from Births, Deaths and Marriages (BDM) Victoria but they rejected it – because they maintain that I didn’t ‘consent’ to having Florence. For me, who has been through so many rounds of IVF with Teresa and held her hand every step of the way, this decision was confusing and disappointing.
What you need to know about IVF over 40.
It turns out that ‘consent’ for BDM means undertaking the counselling provided by the IVF Clinic where you undergo for your treatment.
Because Teresa took the initial steps towards beginning IVF just before meeting me, we did not complete the counselling session together.
After three years of IVF, I was well aware each time my partner had her eggs collected and transferred back into the womb that I could potentially become a parent. I gladly accepted the lifetime responsibility of looking after and being financially responsible for both Florence and my partner.
We have sixteen pieces of evidence from our IVF doctor, pre-natal classes and midwives, all stating that I attended everything but this doesn’t seem to prove my ‘consent’ or willingness to be Florence’s mother.
One of the most heartbreaking consequences for me is that I have no legal rights to Florence. If something were to happen to my partner, and/or Florence, I would have no rights to care for her or make any medical decision on her behalf.
“Infertility is a secret club. One that you never really leave”
We are now hoping to give Florence a sibling and have completed the requisite IVF counselling together for our second child. This time, I hope to be the birth mother, and both children will have the same donor.
Florence is already growing into a happy-go-lucky and determined little girl. It’s my ultimate goal in life to make her laugh every single second, much to the dismay of my partner, Teresa. It’s way too addictive and I can’t put in words the feelings I have when I see that I’ve put that look of joy on her face.
I am Florence’s mother; she is my daughter. It seems so simple to us, and to everyone else who sees the love and happiness that the three of us share. My only wish is that the law will recognize this too, and give us the same rights as any other family – because that’s what we are.
Top Comments
That is just ridiculos! Please Mel be proud that your little girl will always know you are her mummy through your beautifully loving actions towards her. There are many children out there with parents that are not listen on birth certificates, and those children always know who are their true and loving parents.
I know this doesn't change anything.... but it might be some info to help. - You can get a medicare card with the 3 of you on it. You will need to go to the medicare office and pick up a form, its about 3 pages long, and your partner who is listed on the birth certificate needs to sign it to give 'permission' to have a family card. I know this because I have gone through the whole medicare card issues with my partner and his children (my step children). We were able to merge cards on the birth of our daughter, and take my card and his card including the step children and put it all on one card - I am not on their birth certificate, the lady we saw at medicare was very helpful and she stated its doesn't matter which parents/partners are on the card as long as the legal guardian signs the paperwork. Same for your health insurance - my step children are on the health insurance I pay for, this was actually very easy and they didn't even ask for birth certificates. I signed the whole lot up over the phone without even needing my partner to speak to anyone. Once again I know this doesn't change anything - it pisses me off I had to tell you that you need the legal guardian to sign the paperwork - but at least it would make the future drs appointments easier.
Good Luck with it all - I really hope you get a win. Xox
BH thank you sooo much! I had not idea about the Medicare card and the health insurance! We're going to check this out this week! xxx
Oh god this is just absolutely disgusting. The government makes me SO angry. I had to jump through hoops to keep my ex off my son's birth certificate and even go to centrelink when my son was like 5 days old to be exempt from getting child support. Never mind the fact that I hadn't seen or heard from the guy in months due to a restraining order for domestic violence!
I was 17 and the time and he was a 21 year old idiot alcoholic with a criminal record. Yet these adult stable women who struggled and tried so hard for a baby and did so much to have this child are now having to fight with the government to be recognised as not one but two loving mothers. Its an absolute atrocity. You poor people, I really hope this is all sorted in your favour really soon and I really hope you have the new addition you all so long for :). Good luck with everything :)