It’s a hideous, painful and often bewildering rite of passage for many women (and some men but most often women). An emotionally abusive relationship never starts out that way. It starts out exciting and usually with great sex. Lots of passion. Highs. But also lows. This drama cycle can easily be mistaken for True Love. A deep connection. Intense intimacy.
But what it is is just toxic and destructive for the victim of abuse. I know this because I’ve been there. I wrote about my relationship with “Charlie” at length in my memoir Mamamia and even though it was years ago in my early twenties, writing about it felt raw and real and recent.
I’m a confident person. Even was back then. I had a great job. I earned my own money. Rented my own apartment. Owned a car. “Charlie” had none of those things. And yet he still managed to cast a twisted spell over me that slowly saw me isolated from my friends, family and anyone who could say “what the fuck are you doing? Get OUT of there.”
It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know the true extent of it. One of the quirky signatures of emotionally abusive relationships is that the victim actively protects her partner. I didn’t want to tell anyone the truth because I knew they would all judge Charlie and just tell me to dump him. Because that was exactly what I should have done. But for some perplexing reason, I didn’t want to. I was in his grasp. And that isolation made me extremely vulnerable to his manipulation. Even more vulnerable.
So in a weird twisted way, we enter into an unspoken contract with our abusive partner to enable fucked behaviour and protect him from judgement by other people. I wasn’t a doormat with him. Well, not entirely. I could yell at him and often did (less and less as time went on) but I wouldn’t want others to criticise him. One of those “it’s ok for me to be critical, because i love him- you don’t so you’re not allowed” things.
I’ve seen girlfriends repeat this toxic cycle to their extreme detriment. Smart girlfriends. Financially independent girlfriends. Women who have ever reason and ability – ON PAPER – to kick his arse to the curb and walk away. But it often takes months and years. I know older women (often the mothers of emotionally abusive men) who NEVER find it in themselves to leave. This is the saddest thing of all.
Today, I want to share with you a story by a woman I admire very much. Nina Funnell is a regular Mamamia contributer and her writing always makes me think. This is her story…….
I’ve always been terrible with men. The sweet, devoted types I tend to let go, while the cocky alpha male types I tend to cling onto well after they have left the relationship, the building and possibly the state.
The most recent case is a shocker. First some background. This is the guy who told me I could afford to lose 5 kilos when we first started dating a year ago. He forgot important dates, never gave me a birthday or Christmas present (or card), and never bothered to turn up to important events (including my birthday lunch, a ceremony where I won an important national human rights award as well as a range of other important work and family functions). But it doesn’t end there.This is also the guy who cheated on me. Who took another girl on a romantic holiday while I was overseas on business. Who later went for late night swims at the beach with her, claiming it was normal because “she is European”. (As an aside this girl knew all about me and also had a boyfriend she was cheating on).
When I finally found out the extent of the betrayal and lies, he was not apologetic, instead he told me that “jealousy is an unhealthy emotion” and that I might want to “get some help for it”. He added that it was wrong and “unethical” of me “to try to emotionally or sexually monopolize him”. He then gave me an ultimatum of an open-relationship or no relationship and when I did not jump with joy (shock, horror!), he again labelled me as “unhealthy” and “possessive”. Oh and the icing on the cake? He actually wanted to fraudulently marry his Swedish toy-girl so she could stay in the country after her student visa expired- all while still dating me.
Sounds like a keeper hey?
So why oh why, when he decided to finally end it with me (because I wasn’t cool with him sleeping with other women) did I burst into tears and plead with him not to leave me? Why did I cry into his shirt asking what was wrong with me? Why on earth would anyone want to stay with a guy who cheated, lied and constantly undermined my self worth?
It’s bizarre. In my professional life I’ve always been strong and confident. Ballsy even. And logically I know that I should have left the guy months ago. Scrap that. I should never have been with him in the first place.
Yet for some reason I sat their grovelling, begging and trying to bargain with him. “Just give me a second chance! Give me two weeks to show you we can make this work!” I pleaded. “No? OK, what about just one?”
Urgh. It’s all so humiliating to recall.
So what’s the deal with this? Why do so many savvy, strong women stick around hoping cheating or toxic men will change? Why do we come up with excuses for the behaviour, often blaming ourselves? And why do we let ourselves be ground down emotionally and psychologically to the point of accepting such treatment as normal?
More to the point why do we grovel and try to save toxic and utterly damaging relationships? After all, it’s one thing to stay put (or paralysed) in a toxic relationship because you don’t have the agency, self esteem or capacity to end it. It’s another to try to perform CPR on a relationship that your ex has just disembowelled right in front of you.
But apparently I’m not the first to have ever done this. According to the authors of He’s Just Not That Into You, many women fall into the trap of begging poisonous guys not to leave them out of fear of loneliness or abandonment. This fear of remaining alone forever is far more insidious when your partner has spent months or years not just telling you, but convincing you that you are stupid, or mad, or fat, or ugly, or promiscuous, or not good enough, or that what you want and what you feel doesn’t matter.
I’ve realised that one way emotional abusers stop women from walking out the door is by ensuring they can’t even stand on their own two feet to begin with. The process by which this happens is subtle. It happens over a long time through a series of “negative grooming” techniques that leave women doubting their own judgement and perception of reality.
When a guy (including a toxic guy) breaks up with you it can also be difficult to accept that someone else is seizing the reigns and making a major decision that affects your life, without bothering to consult you in the process. It feels like your opinions and feelings are totally irrelevant to them and that they just don’t care. It feels uncompassionate. Most of all it makes you feel powerless and vulnerable.
Having been on both sides of a break up, I’ve always thought that initiating a break up is comparable to quitting a job. However sad you might be to leave, you know you are in control of what’s going on including the timing. Being broken up with can be like being fired without warning. You feel shocked, hurt, rejected, humiliated, disoriented and scared about what the future holds. You also cop a pretty hefty blow to the ego. This is only made worse when your self esteem is already at an all time low to begin with.
But I suspect there is one more reason why women beg toxic guys to reconsider a break up: stubbornness. When women feel they have invested a lot of time and emotional energy in a relationship (as I had done), they often become determined to make it work regardless of the emotional cost or enduring quality of the relationship.
Having the guts to be realistic enough to “call” a relationship and get out when it no longer enhances your life can be tough, especially for individuals who consider any relationship that ends as a “failed” relationship. The truth is that most romances (particularly in our early years) will end. To view them all as failures is to lose sight of the things we gain and the important lessons we take from the relationships that don’t end in “till death do us part”.
Whatever may have been taken from me in this last relationship I’ve certainly learnt a number of valuable lessons for the future.
About the Author: Nina Funnell is a 26 year old researcher in the Journalism and Media Research Centre at the University of NSW and a freelance opinion writer. She is currently completing a PhD on “sexting” and sexual ethics and she sits on the board of the NSW Rape Crisis Centre. She also acts as a victims rights advocate.
Have you ever been in a toxic relationship? How did you get out of it?
If you are stuck in an abusive or toxic relationship please click here or here. If you need to speak to someone immediately please call Lifeline on 13 11 14
//
Subscribe to our daily updates
Make sure you don’t miss a single post
with the MM daily update direct to your inbox.
Top Comments
I want to share Metoo# story.
I met him in a therapy centre. I needed treatment for my back pain and psychological support after a recent breakup with my partner.
I was introduced to - all-in-one
alternative therapy guru. He was charming, well spoken, seemed very kind,
attentive and honest.
His focused attention, smooth, sweet talk,
strong and gentle touch was like a balm for my soul. He made me feel important,
cared for, safe. No matter if I was right or wrong – he was on my side.
During one of our physiotherapy sessions he
proposed a free massage in his flat. He said he was just practicing new
techniques for back pain and he needed someone to practice on. I accepted.
When I came to his house he was very nice,
polite and warm but I felt strangely nervous. My instinct was shouting: get
out!! His house was too sterile, too arranged, it felt like some kind of trap. Big
plasma TV, Netflix, box of clinex tissues next to the large sofa, dimmed
lights, candles, a bottle of wine…Yes, I could guess his agenda and quite
frankly I didn’t mind, I didn’t have sex for a while and I did fancy him. He
was extremely attentive, smart, fully focused on me, he made me feel safe and
comfortable.
And so it happened. I didn’t expect anything
to follow. To my surprise he called me 5min after I left his house then an hour
later, then in the evening again, then early in the morning….I was slightly
alarmed with his intensity but it also felt like someone REALLY cared and
wanted me; it was like an opium for my mind. It felt euphotic, it felt good and
I wanted more.
I begged him not to play games with me, I
felt very vulnerable, I said I am OK with casual sex as long as we respect each
other and are emotionally honest with each other.
He told me that he never felt like that with
anyone before, that he studied psychology and massage therapy , yoga ,
meditation and that he will help me to stand on my feet again because his
passion and reward is in helping others.
I felt it was too good to be true. But I thought
maybe I’m too sceptical because I was hurt and I lost feelings of joy and
trust. I should open my heart.
I did.
He swiped me off my feet: nice trips to
beautiful places, dancing in his living room by the candle lights, dinners,
gifts and complements. It felt like being on drugs and indeed that’s what it
was: an intoxication, an illusion.
I look back on all of it now and I just wish I could reach back into a
physical timeline and grab myself by the shoulders and pull myself out
He is very good with words: he knows exactly
what to say and when to say it. He swore he wants a family, he wants me, he
wants something true and serious.
I
dropped my guards down. That’s when the abuse started.
First it was small remarks or lack of interest in what I had to say.
Then he stared to withhold his affection and compare me to other women: I was crazy and nobody will put up with me,
he prefers more stable women, more spontaneous, more organised, more elegant,
more free, more spiritual, more professional, I was not as physically fit as
his last girlfriend that was a yoga teacher, I was too old and he wanted to
have his own kids, I was too boring in bed and he is forced to look at other
women to stimulate him. He told me that if I want to stay with him I need to be
more experimental in bed because this is the only thing that I have to offer and
I forced myself to do the things that he wanted. I felt he stripped me down off
personality, opinions, importance. And I don’t know how, when and how it
happened.
Drip by drip he killed my spirit. I wish I could tell you I left him
but like some kind of virus that destroys the whole of immune system from
inside his sweet words left cavities in my moral bones, turned toxic and I had
no will power left.
One day out of the blue he told me that he wants to “open his heart to
a true love, someone who is able to give and to have a perfect and fulfilling
relationship with a woman of his dreams”. He is a perfect prince charming and I
just didn’t measure up to his dreams. He never took responsibility for his
actions, never apologised.
Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is often more difficult to
recover from, as the scars can often be more self-destructive. There are no
visible marks and friends and family can barely detect your pain.
I was robbed of hope, warmth and self-esteem , the only feeling he
left me was a toxic shame. I felt ashamed to talk about it with my friends
because everybody liked him, they would not believe me, he was so charming and
balanced where I was known to have emotional swings and troubled mind. Surely I
was the problem. Well, that’s what I believed too until years later I accessed
a therapy and I learnt about grooming.
Every day people meet, fall in love and break up but what is so sick
about him is that he does it on purpose. He is grooming women in a calculated
process to gain their trust and gradually desensitizing them by violating their
boundaries and hijacking ability to love.
Don’t be his next victim to
supply him with adoration, nurturance, and sex to feed his insatiable hunger
for power and control.
Please read more about adult grooming here: https://metro.co.uk/2017/10...
SEXUAL PREDATORS DON’T JUST GROOM THEIR VICTIMS THEY GROOM EVERYONE AROUND
THEM
“We all understand that grooming
takes place, but many of us misunderstand the scale to which it happens. That
it can be your doctor, or therapist, a person that runs a meditation course in
your local community centre.
It’s easy to hear the word grooming and assume that you’re talking about older men talking to children online. But there is, in fact, much more to the issue of grooming. Not only does grooming happen among adults, but also, sexual predators don’t just groom
their victim. They groom their friends, their family, even their co-workers,
all to make everyone around them supporters of what they’re doing.
That’s why so many sexual predators are described as charming, nice guys by their
friends, families, and the people they work with.”
I had something similar happen to me, and needed therapy for it. Fortunately when it looked as if it would happen with another guy (yes it can happen again) I read the signs early and shut it down before he got a complete hold of me. He still pops up from time to time and each and every time I shut him down. Why don't I block him you say? I do, but he gets a new number and starts again. I think I am just the one that got away, and his fragile ego can't stand it.
I got out of an emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive relationship a few months ago. It’s funny while I was in that relationship it didn’t seem that at the time.
Before meeting him I was such a strong, independent woman. A woman who had such strong moral code. But he eventually broke that down. And I did all the above.
He started off being the rose and turned into a snake. Say all the things you wanted to hear, but when a fight arose he would use all your greatest insecurities against you to the point you felt like nothing. You weren’t special to anyone. And he loved it. Sure, he would apologise and say it would “never happen again” and he will “try his hardest”. I was a fool.
Sometimes he would go out drinking with mates, and I would fear the call for me to pick him up. Because I knew there would be a massive massive fight of emotional blackmail and abuse. Threats to break up you name it. And more then once he launched himself at me if I said too much (I am also quite outspoken and speak what’s in my mind), he would wrap his hands around my neck and try to strangle me to the point where I would almost pass out - then he would stop. But he would never leave me alone he would always stay over as if it was an honour and then he totally different in the morning and try to justify it. Funnily enough, his friends knew what he was like on the booze and how he treated me while in this state and not once stopped him. They sent him in his merry way.
If I ever threatened to end it with him (which I did several times) he would threaten to ruin my life. So I felt trapped. So incredibly trapped. I couldn’t tell my friends or family because I knew I was in a bad relationship and they would tell me to get out. It eventually got to the point where I self harmed. Coming out now and saying that is massive and I am so ashamed that I got to that point because I was so strong in character before him. But I thought it was my only way to show how I felt - he didn’t care. I was wounded inside. My boyfriend the devil - and I felt I was mannacled to that.
One day he said some pretty unforgivable stuff to me about my family - he wanted to isolate me and tried to force me to make a choice. My family had taken action and he began crawling like the pathetic piece of shit he is. Claiming he “loves me” and “can’t stop thinking about me” and he “is sorry for saying that shit about my family and regrets it” then starts playing victim. Doesn’t take into account of all the other shit.
I was a fool and I am disgusted I let that happen. I am happily on my own self journey today. I know in future I will be much more judicious in who I choose to spend my time with and I won’t settle for anything less than I deserve. I know it may be unfair to all men, but from my experiences, I think it is fair to say my trust in men (more so boys who can’t handle strong women) has declined. I was 22 - so still quite young and plenty to experience in the world. This all happened within a few months mind you. So anyone going through this shit - don’t settle for it because it is convenient or comfortable or they make it up to you endlessly. They knew exactly what they are doing and try to play the victim card and act as if you are the culprit. Do not settle for something that is so so much below your standard.