On last night’s episode of Married at First Sight, we saw Craig make the very rookie error of bringing his ex to his faux reality TV wedding.
An ex he had been in a relationship with for 13 years.
And this ex was one of what appeared to be about a dozen cherry-picked guests for the ceremony held in New Zealand.
Naturally, Craig's new husband Andy reacted like any normal human being would.
He got pissed off. He labelled it a deal-breaker.
The misery was literally dripping off his face.
Because who the heck brings a long-term ex to such a huge step in a relationship?
Craig and Andy only just met at the altar thanks to the miracle of ~television~ but that surely makes it worse. Because you'd forgive Andy for automatically assuming Craig is either dangerously socially inept or has some heavy baggage he just can't let go.
But not everyone thought Andy was acting rationally.
And when Andy's mate convinced him he was overreacting, some rejoiced.
This "voice of reason" implores Andy not be so quick to judge, telling him the fact Craig was in a relationship for 13 years shows he is "loyal".
Loyal? Sure, maybe.
Respectful? Definitely not.
It is not OK to thrust that on your partner without warning. Erin from last year's season, has the right idea.
Successfully staying friends with an ex is one of those things many people see as an ultimate social goal. How mature! Admirable! Sensible! If you can achieve that, you can achieve anything!
But if you think your new partner will start popping champagne in celebration of this feat with you, you're wrong.
Deep down they will get a fleeting sense of discomfort; a feeling they are competing, proving their worth next to your ex. And it's not fair to put them in that position — certainly not without being sensitive to the idea there might be consequences emotionally.
This is particularly the case with an ex from a long-term relationship. Someone you spent years with. Someone you had a crapload of lazy weekend sex with. Someone you at one point might have imagined a proper future with. It's not exactly hunky dory.
You broke up with that person for a reason. So why would you want them sticking around? They've served the purpose they were meant to in your life.
I understand sometimes it's more complicated than that, or that you are forced into hanging out with an ex in group situations if you move in similar social circles. That's perfectly fine. But don't go out of your way to be great mates.
Keeping them close sends the wrong message to a new partner.
Even if they insist it's totally 'fiiine'. They are only human, and it's only natural that they could have - no matter how big or small - feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, confusion.
And that's on you. So don't be blind to it.
For the sake of your new relationship, discuss that sticky ex in your life properly. Better yet, let them go.
And for goodness' sake, don't go rogue and invite them to your wedding.
Top Comments
Totally agree. Absolutely no need to be friends with an ex, even if it ended relatively well, and especially once one or both of you have moved on.
With social media friends maintaining contact with an ex or old flame is a complicated mess nowadays.
I understand mature, genuine friendships with exes if that's what they truly are and were all along since breaking up. I.e. like any other friend, you catch up in person, you discuss your love life, you don't flirt, you know where the boundaries are (don't keep nude photos of them, don't discuss intimate details of your current relationship for example), and if you have a new partner you invite them along. It's open, it's real, there's no sneaking around.
What's not cool is staying in contact covertly, meaning without your current partner's knowledge, in a way that would be disrespectful to your current partner, or possibly where your ex isn't even aware of the 'contact'.
This happens sometimes through texting, but mostly on social media, such as Facebook or Snapchat for example, where you don't remove them so you can continue either privately messaging them getting updates and reminders of (sometimes flirting with) them years after you split, even once you have gotten into a far more serious relationship. Updates and reminder such as birthdays, engagements, new jobs, new hobbies, new location, holidays, the birth of their kids, searching their profile, perusing their photo albums.
Even if it was someone you dated for less than a year at age 18-25, and now you're 30 or 40 something... you continue to track each other's lives with no end-by date, yet no intention of ever seeing each other again as a real friend, let alone introducing your partner of arranging play dates between your kids. That is dangerous territory. It's obsessive, but social media has made it convenient and common now.
It may be a keyboard so everything is at your fingertips but let's face it with social media, would you get in your car and drive past their house and their work regularly so many years later, or would you start to realise you had a problem if that amount of effort was required to keep track of them?
My partner and I almost split over this behaviour last year. He searched 2-3 exes at one point every 10 or so 11 days. I had spent the week before talking to him crying, making notes, worrying, calling into question our entire relationship, his readiness to be in it, and the commitments we were embarking on - the future and the life we'd started to build. I spoke to a counsellor beforehand to plan the conversation, I felt devastated and betrayed.
I asked if he was still in love, or had unfinished business, and what was in it for him if our relationship was in a good place? He honestly didn't know, he just said things hadn't ended on bad terms all those years ago, but no they don't speak and wouldn't catch up, he said he'd gotten into a habit. He couldn't say what the hold was they had, or the intrigue.
Sure, remember your exes and those times fondly, but don't stalk them and allow their ongoing presence in your life for the rest of your life when it's not a real friendship and the presence is secret from your partner.