5.30am I start the day even earlier than this. Maybe 5. Maybe 4.30. Believe me. What I’ll say is, it’s earlier than everyone else. Millions of hours earlier. I wake up hours before Hillary. When Hillary’s going to bed, I’ve already woken up. I’ve already woken up twice or three times before then.
6am I watch CNN, Fox News and Morning Joe, which is a joke show full of fake news put on by the MSNBC to tell lies to the American public about their favourite president (me).
Listen: Mia Freedman and Amelia Lester deep-dive on Trump’s artery-clogging diet. (Post continues…)
6.30am I wash and dry my hair. I am tremendously handsome so this isn’t necessary.
7.30am I don’t eat breakfast often. I’m a dinner man. If I have to eat breakfast, I eat bacon. Bacon is billions and billions of times better than other breakfasts. Pigs are making America great again.
8am I drink a Diet Coke. I drink 12 cans of Diet Coke a day. I once said that I’d only ever seen fat people drinking Diet Coke so I’m not really sure where that leaves me now, but instead of thinking about it I find it helps to just drink more Diet Coke.
8.30am I’m still watching Fox News. I watch Fox News eight hours a day. I can watch Fox News all the time, except when I’m reading some documents. As the President, I often read documents. I am a very good reader. I have always been tremendously good at reading. That’s why the documents don’t take me very long.
9am I drink a Diet Coke. I don’t exercise at all. I understand that exercise makes people die early. Think about this: I am still alive and some people who have exercised are dead. That speaks for itself.
10am I drink a Diet Coke.
11am I drink a Diet Coke.
12pm For lunch I head to McDonald’s. I like getting food from fast food restaurants because it comes in the same shape and size every time, which I find comforting. I order two Filet-o-Fishes, two Big Macs and one chocolate milkshake. It is tremendously good. I can eat all this and not get fat because I have magic genes. It’s in my blood. I’m not a fatty. That would be disgusting.
1pm I drink a Diet Coke.
2pm I drink a Diet Coke.
3pm I drink a Diet Coke.
3.30pm I have some Oreos as a snack.
4pm I drink a Diet Coke.
5pm I drink a Diet Coke.
6pm I drink a Diet Coke.
7pm I drink a Diet Coke.
8pm I drink my last Diet Coke with dinner. I never drink alcohol because my brain capacity is so high and I don’t want to ruin it. For dinner, I have a well-done steak, very well-done, with a boat of gravy and a salad with bacon and blue cheese dressing. A salad without bacon is not food, so I don’t eat it.
8.30pm For dessert I eat a big slice of cake or pie with a large scoop of ice cream. Maybe another Diet Coke.
10pm I take an aspirin to control my cholesterol. Those fake news outlets say I’m not health conscious. Well, I’m health conscious. I am tremendously conscious of my health.
2am I’m still awake watching TV. I mean reading documents. I mean, I already read all my documents, I’m taking a well-earned break and watching some TV now. I don’t get time to watch much TV. I am the President.
Listen: Mia Freedman and Amelia Lester celebrate a week that was brilliant for everyone who isn’t Donald Trump.
Top Comments
The scary thing is, this is exactly the way Trump would describe it. Exactly the way.
Americans waking each morning to the fearful realization that "Yes, Donald Trump is still President" needn't worry about that imminent impeachment.
'Looks like his diet will take him out before the ink is dry.
Such a pity - he always was good for a laugh even sitting still.
This gift to stand-up comics & satirists will fade into American history like a bad dream.
You can stop sucking your thumb now.