“Someone knows, someone always knows it’s happening. Your silence is condoning their crime.”
Today I pulled the car over and sobbed as over the radio came the announcement Malcolm Turnbull had committed significant funding to help stop the family violence in Australia.
Finally. After hearing the devastating stories of numerous women whose lives have been cut short by the actions of depraved, jealous partners and being forced to relive my own past each time a new story hits the media, this reaction was of extreme relief. In 2015 alone, this latest announcement has come 65 victims too late. This is our chance to change this statistic for good, to save lives, and to stand up for the basic human right of everyone to be safe. It’s time we all played our part.
This is a community responsibility. We all need to own it and we all need to act. Quite frankly, family violence is a team effort. There is not a sole victim and a sole perpetrator as so often is depicted in these heart-breaking stories played out in the media. You only have to look at the devastated families left behind and the shocked community to know that there are many victims at the hands of family violence.
You can watch the video where Malcolm Turnbull addresses the government’s new plan for domestic violence funding.
But there are also many enablers. And whilst they may not be the ones throwing the punches and pulling the trigger, their silence and inaction is a contributing factor. I know this because my own cries for help were too often over-looked and dismissed in an all too common “victim blaming” scenario. No, he is not your “baby boy”, there are not “two sides to the story” and it’s not a domestic issue. Women and children are dying, our community is hurting, and the motherless children left behind will never forgive us for our inaction.
Trust me, someone always knows. Perpetrators have fathers and mothers, teammates, work colleagues, ministers, and “so called” friends. They’re not operating in stealth; they leave a litany of evidence that their actions are out of control. And I am calling out every one of you.
If your son is hitting his partner, you can do something. If you have a mate that calls his girlfriend crazy, but you suspect there is more to the story, you can do something. If you work with someone that you suspect is controlling their partner, despite their rank, position or status – you have a moral and community responsibility to act. If your friend tracks their partner on a mobile phone, do something. If you see an argument become physical do something. If you are at a comedy show and the joke is about hitting a woman – stand up, make noise and walk out.
It’s that simple. We all need to say “No” to violence, in any form. No one ever asks for it, and no one is ever justified for dishing it out. Don’t let fear and apathy stop you from preventing another death in this country. Someone knows, someone always knows it’s happening. Your silence is condoning their crime.
And to the police, priests, Defence Force members and lawyers that used their position and influence to intimidate me in my own desperate circumstances, I am putting you on notice. There will be an inquiry into family violence in this country and there are many stories, just like mine, waiting to be shared. In the words of Louis Brandeis, “Sunlight is the best disinfectant.”
Here’s to a brighter future for all women and children in our country.
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.
Top Comments
women should be allowed to carry pepper spray well everyone should be aloud to carry it, its not a him/her scenario anyone has the ability to kill etc... for some reason men are solely responsible from the lies that government spew forth and men dont usually come forward as per talk when your a man of take it on the chin etc, LOL I remember when i got bashed by this chick in a pub because i got security to throw the guy and her out for doing standover tactics on my friends, well police didnt believe me and the girl lied her arse off to squirm, out of a charge saying i said things to her called her names which was untrue, it was the bouncer that stepped in and backed up my story, now this is where it gets interesting police advised me they were going to fine her for public nuisance and recommended i dont put her through the courts of which i dont believe i will do if it happens again if it was a bloke well i would be thrown in lockup and POLICE would lay charges it seemed if i wanted to lay charges it was up to me and police would not lay charges of their own, I have seen women pick up knives and lunge at their male counterparts etc... and get excused from charge, i have stood in between a woman with a knife and a man having an argument very scary I was never awarded any special recognition it was swept under the carpet like all the many other times i have put my life on the line, and yes people with knives dont need to be shot by police i have talked blokes with knives down, i have also had people come at me with knives its not that scary, look lots of people have secrets and when you expose them people freak out, its why i have decided i dont really care anymore how am i supposed to. I stick to myself these days which is sad i have plenty of great friends I work fairly hard, but i just dont care, now pepper spray is legal to carry in western australia under a decision in around 2003 that as long as you have reasonable excuse when you use it, this law needs to be introduced australia wide and lets cut the shit allow people to defend themselves, also something should be noted all perpertrators were victims first and foremost, lots of love understanding is needed and even if you dont like what i say next its true, even criminals etc have just as many rights you may not like the crime etc but no one is better or higher than anyone else in this world the only thing that creates the difference in people is their bank balance and wether or not people can afford really bloody good legal representation, now i may be in denial probably true however i after seeing the world realise its not a HIM problem its a HIM/HER problem, the problem is we all judge because edus=cation system has taught us to do that its why politicians are continuously bagging people they are the top of the education pool, so simpy when you can stop judging your life will become more pleasurable, and we all felt like the world was at our feet when children because we didnt know how to judge WE WERE TAUGHT THAT
Yes: don't ignore/dismiss the signs - the behaviour that you walk past/allow is the behaviour you condone/encourage.
However, there won't always be obvious signs.
We all know that telling our friends/family about anything negative our partners have done will never be forgotten, nor forgiven, by them... so we don't tell... we wait... we hope it gets better... we feel ashamed when instead it gets worse... we finally tell someone we trust a tiny bit of the truth... we get upset when they tell us we should break up with them right away... we're not ready... we love them... we see their potential... we think, if we can just love them hard enough they'll stop being so insecure, they'll stop being so paranoid, they'll stop blaming us for everything... and we'll stop believing them when they say it's all our fault...
Crap. You just put in to words everything that was in my head. It's been 4 years now and I still think that maybe it could have been my fault. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I remember. Maybe those nightmares I still have of him coming after us and cutting me up to get to my son are all just a product of my imagination and not his real darkness.
I got out of there just as the verbal started moving towards physical. A few weeks more and the bruises would have spread. If I'd tried one more time, if I'd let go of the drinking that last time and if I hadn't gotten in the middle of that one fight.... I think I'd have wound up dead by now, let alone my poor son. I left for him. When HE grabbed me around my middle when I was pregnant and held me against the counter between his body and my belly, I knew that was it. My shame and fear and hope didn't matter anymore. It was for my baby. But what about the others?
His family saw it. They knew it all. That last day I gave to him, after I'd left I still was getting messages from his mother about how "Cross" his father had seen me being to him. God dammit, if only they'd eased up on the "He's just a young boy. There's two sides to every story" and opened their eyes a bit, maybe they'd have been able to be a part of our lives. But nope. Never again.