by MIA FREEDMAN
Thank heavens Dita Von Teese has launched a sexy lingerie line for new Mums. THANK HEAVENS. I may just have to get pregnant again so I can go back to those horny days after giving birth, when the only thing on your mind is how to look hot for your partner and sex sex sex.
Stitches, c-section scars and the two oversized rockmelons that have taken up residence on your chest are no barriers to your rampant lust. You just want to shoehorn all your wobbly, leaky, swollen bits into sexy black lace and get down to business on the nearest available surface.
ALL THE TIME.
My husband recalls those heady days of Passionate Post Birth Sexy with a faraway look in his eyes except he doesn’t because they never happened.
Remember when one of the midwives or your doctor says you should refrain from sex until after your six week checkup?
BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA.
OK. Twisted my arm.
To be honest, one of the most practical pieces of advice I got from another mother before I went into hospital to give birth the first time was about underwear.
Not the Dita kind, however. This very wise mother instructed me to stock up on cheap men’s hipster undies. Large sizes. Dark colours.
“You will bleed more than you can imagine,” this friend advised me as my eyes widened. “And you’ll just want something big and comfy that sits low and has plenty of room for the giant surfboards you’ll be wearing in your undies for weeks.”
I nodded gravely.
“Weeks” she repeated.
As part of my pre-birth preparations, I followed her instructions, stocking up on a dozen pairs of Rio men’s hipster undies at the supermarket as I waddled around with my trolly.
It was excellent advice and I’ve followed it for the birth of each of my children and passed it on to all my friends to wide acclaim.
I loved those dark, baggy hipsters. I didn’t realise quite how much until my first child was a few months old and my husband mildly enquired one day, “Um babe, do you ever think you’ll wear normal undies again?”
I looked down.
Our son was out of his bassinet and into a cot. He’d begun eating solids. And I was still rotating those big ol’ men’s undies in fetching shades of navy, bottle green and burgundy.
I can’t say I leapt straight back into sexy undies at that point but that’s mostly because I’ve always been more of a Bonds girl than a black lacy one.
Sorry Dita.
I wish you well with your business plan to shoehorn new mothers into hot lacy lingerie. If that’s what they want to do.
You know, I did feel good getting back into my pre-pregnancy knickers, even if they weren’t of the overtly sexy Dita variety. It marked a kind of turning point where my bits resumed being mine again, after months of doctors and midwives prodding and poking around and tiny people emerging from them.
Until next time.
Take a look through more of the range here:
Be honest now – how would you rate your post-birth undies out of 10?
Top Comments
I can see where you're coming from Mia, but I kind of think this is a nice idea. I don't think Dita's intention was to "shoehorn new mothers into hot lacy lingerie", but rather give them a bit of luxury in a time they might be feeling a bit blah. That's just my opinion though...pretty bras are my weakness!
Child birth was a horrific experience for me all thanks to the lovely staff at the hospital. The anaethetist was nasty to me, I made a sarcastic joke about the c-section too long so she got angry at me and threatened to leave me on the operating table without her. I was too scared to speak up cos I didn't want her to leave me - she made it very clear she was the only one in the hospital. I didn't get to hold my baby for almost an hour after. I regained all feeling in 20 minutes following stitching. The staff left me screaming the hospital down in absolute agony, I have never felt so much pain in my entire life. It lasted for 4 hours, because they didn't believe me. They told me I was hallucinating. Until she finally came back after poking me with a needle and realised I wasn't lying - I COULD actually feel it. The midwives interfered with breast feeding, then when my son couldn't latch on because my breasts had gotten so big (I was a size 8 clothing and a 10I cup (that is i) I requested to bottle feed as he had already had colostrum. They told me it was better for my son to go hungry, that when he was starving he would suck harder. I begged them. My family ended up sneaking bottles in because he was so hungry and nobody would help me. I was doped up on so many opiate pain killers I could barely move, neither could my son. He was doped up to the eyeballs. They left me holding him and I nearly dropped him because I was passing out... when I finally got hold of the midwive because I stumbled down the hallway I was told 'nonsense, a mother wouldn't drop her own child it's called instinct'. I was left with my abusive ex fiancee to help with my personal care. my mum came and found me in the bathroom with my ex, because the nurses made him help me and told me 'he's your childs father so you better accept his help we're too busy'. I was so embarrased... they left me with a man to change my pad. Nobody had even told me that you bleed after child birth :( They were aware that only a month prior he had threatened to rip my child out of my womb with a coat hanger, to throw me off our balcony, had abused me for almost 4 years and that after I found his porn collection i realised my son would never be safe. Nobody cared. I was treated terribly because I was a single mother, not only that I was a stupid single mother because I had fallen pregnant to an abusive partner. Shame on me. Underwear is the least of our concern Mamamia. Perhaps for some it's the most important part but does anyone ever highlight the struggles that women go through and how poorly they are treated for having a child?
No one is suggesting it is the most important part for anyone. For some, such as myself, i breastfed for 14 months so after a while, probably about 6 months i did want to waer something a bit lacy. was it the most important part, no of course not but it was nice to have the option. It is appalling that you were treated this way but not everyone has such an horrendous experience.