I had an online dating experience recently that was pretty typical. Lots of cute daily messages, followed by a date, eventuating in a kiss, proceeded by silence, and eventually a curt “what’s going on?” some time later. A time during which a message from me had been ignored.
There’s nothing special about this scenario, it’s a dance that’s repeated day in and out by those seeking connection with others. But why is there nothing special? When did this become the norm? It seems that it’s written in Tinder’s Golden Rule Book that we must act aloof and careless to those we hook up with, treating them worse then we may a complete stranger. In my experience, women want to have casual sexual encounters just as much as men do, but it’s made difficult by this apparent necessity to be inconsiderate to one another afterwards, and it’s entirely unnecessary.
We need to raise the bar on what is acceptable in online dating culture.
It’s easy to blame the individual, however, there is a culture around online hook ups that makes this behaviour acceptable and in some circumstances, even promotes it. But it starts with defining how we wish to be treated, not by what is currently permissible by societal dating standards but by how we feel, as human beings with intrinsic value, should be treated by others.
If you’ve ever been on the dating scene, you’ve probably been stashed. Jessie Stephens explains the trend, on Mamamia Out Loud. Post continues after audio.
I wrote back to this guy’s message:
Dear Boy from the Internet,
Thank you for finally getting in touch with me after our date a week ago and ignoring the message I sent.
I’m sorry but I don’t think we should contact each other again. I feel you haven’t showed me a whole lot of respect or kindness since our date. Either you’re playing it cool or you just don’t care enough. Either way, they’re not things I wish to seek out in the people I surround myself with. I especially don’t want to invite these people into my bed.
It’s a bit of a shame because I really enjoyed our date, and I really wanted to f*ck you. However I just can’t continue, knowing how differently you treat a woman after only one kiss. I’m nearly 30, and I don’t need this shit.
I’m not asking you to shower me with affection, love and around the clock contact. Nor is this a letter demanding more attention. It is not being clingy, nor needy, bossy, demanding, naggy, bitchy, overly emotional, or any other gendered word that is popping into your head right now to excuse your behaviour.
It is simply asking for kindness and respect in all relationships, whether they are loving and long, or for just one night with a stranger from the internet.
Yours Sincerely,
That girl from Tinder.
Girl From Tinder is a medical student in Melbourne. With a background in law, commerce and consulting, she loves giving her two cents, especially on issues that impact the treatment of her fellow women.
Top Comments
It had only been ONE WEEK!!! omg! I just assumed ghosted = months of non-communication. Women of the world : do not confuse 5 or 6 days of radio silence with ghosting or misogeny. She did him a favor in exposing her personality early on. And good for her- she realizes that she is a high-touch person who might need daily communication and that's not how this guy operates- both people are normal, no judgement (from me...) and such drama! Look. if I kiss you, you're in. We're solid.Probably dating already. It can take a lot of effort emotionally and otherwise to stage a first date.
I understand that a week is definitely on the longer side of things, but maybe there's an acceptable reason. In my case, I've done this when I neglected to call the following day or two and then some crisis struck my world and then the phone got heavy. But believe me I was contrite about it and took responsibility for not communicating well. I've never really had any one freak out or dump me over such things. Typically I'd be busy with 12 hour workdays or grad school finals or national rowing championships or sailing regattas in tropical locales devoid of telcom infrastructure... that sort of thing.
I have on many occasion readily forgiven such lapses in communication from the women in my life (normally just one woman at a time, but plural over the years..) Probably, I didn't get the vibe that they were ghosting me, and vice versa. But I don't get that vibe from the guy here in this situation.
30yr old referring to 'boy'. Law, commerce, consulting background....oh, but now a med student....and stranger from the internet response on lines of '.... I really enjoyed our date, and I really wanted to f*ck you.' Geeez.