I have never had a proper orgasm during sex despite having had three sexual partners in my life and being married for 12 years.
I kept assuming it would eventually happen, magically, spontaneously. First one boyfriend, and nothing, then the second boyfriend, then nothing and then my boyfriend who became my husband…surely he’d get me there.
No. Nothing.
That’s part of the problem, I think. I keep waiting for my sexual partners to figure out how to bring me to orgasm. I’m a Sex Sexist. I take no responsibility for my own orgasm during sex, expecting that if the men I am with are any good at it, they’ll do all the work for me.
I’m starting to realise that’s not exactly how it works. Or does it? Are there men who know how to bring any woman to orgasm, even if those women have never learned how and are too shy to ask for help?
My first boyfriend valiantly tried. I was 19 and he was older. He had a lot of experience and he was incredibly frustrated that it wasn’t happening for me. It was the year that movie Don Juan DeMarco starring Johnny Depp as the sexually adept yet troubled expert lover. It was 1995. My boyfriend and I watched the movie together and walked out hand-in-hand and then he said, “He makes it look so easy.”
I knew exactly what he was referring too and that night we really, really tried. It just didn’t happened.
I enjoyed sex. I still do. I just can’t get there. I get close to there, very near to there, almost there, but not bloody there.
On my own it’s no problem at all. I’m there in 60 seconds if I want. Is that part of the problem? Am I such an expert masturbater that I’ve prevented myself from mastering the subtleties of the sex orgasm? Is that it?
Is it all my fault?
My second boyfriend was very upset that I wasn’t able to orgasm during sex and our relationship wasn’t as comfortable as my first so we never really discussed it. I just knew that he held it against me that I wasn’t getting out of our sexual relationship what he was. So one day I faked it, badly. He didn’t seem convinced but didn’t question me too much. We broke up shortly after.
I couldn’t face having to fake it again. I was a very bad actress and resent feeling the need to fake orgasm just to make him happy.
Click through the gallery below for famous orgasm scenes in films. Post continues after gallery.
Then came my husband.
He and I have always had a lot of fun in the bedroom and I have been more honest with him than anyone. We have done pretty much everything two people who have sex do and while I haven’t ever managed to orgasm during sex I still enjoy myself. We go through phases of trying to “address the problem” but I explained to him that the pressure of having to figure it out is too much for me and prevents me from enjoying our intimacy. So he let it go.
The solution we came up with was to have sex and for him to assist me in masturbation. That’s as close to it as we’ve been able to get.
But there’s no way I can have an orgasm during sex, from penetration plus stimulation, no way, no how. And trust me, we have tried.
So here I am, 40, and bad at sex. I am a complete and total orgasm failure. For a feminist, it is hard to take. My orgasm is just as important has his orgasm.
Watch the iconic scene from When Harry Met Sally below. Post continues after video.
Why haven’t I fought for my orgasm harder? Why has it taken this long for me to feel so outraged about it?
I’ve decided that this is the year it’s going to happen and my husband is totally on board. I am doing all the research – don’t laugh – and now all we need is lots and lots of time to practice.
It’s almost February and we are yet to find the time.
No matter how old I get or how long we have been together I am determined to master my own sex orgasm. I am going to get there, even if it kills me, or him,or both of us.
I deserve to orgasm during sex just as much as he does and it’s up to me to make it happen. Clearly.
Top Comments
You have to show him what works for you. Don't let pride get in the way. Isn't it worth it the end when you both get to have an orgasm regularly?
This reminds me of women who keep waiting for their man to propose. Sometimes you just have to hit them over the head with what you want. It's much better than waiting and waiting for your man to "get it".
The guy is then happy too because he finally knows what you want and doesn't have to worry that he's disappointing you.
I don't think it is always the man's fault, but having had quite a few lovers I can tell you it's a minority of men that can make a woman come, of course this may just be my experience. The overwhelming issue is that many men really don't want to try, or are not particularly interested in making a woman come, it 's not that they don't want that to happen for a woman but they can't be bothered to make an effort. I have found some guys you kind of have to beg to do anything that might help you come, and if they do you feel so resentful and stressed thinking I have to come quickly because he is annoyed that he has to do this.
But there is another issue, if you are lucky enough to find that unselfish man by the time you meet him and have been through all the selfish lovers by that time you have a hang up about coming and it is quite difficult to do even if they are making the effort.
Most of the guys I have been with have either not tried, or they will do some things but if you say, "that's nice honey but can you do it a bit different" they get annoyed.
I did have one boyfriend who did just automatically have the right technique so at least I could come with him, however it was just by chance that he did the right thing, but all of the sex had to be exactly the way he wanted it, he would sulk if I didn't do everything the way he wanted, so I had this weird thing with him that he could make me come but I often felt resentful when we had sex, so physically things worked but emotionally I didn't feel connected because I felt constantly angry with him.
I have however had a brief fling with a guy who was actually quite incredible and unselfish, and every other time I was with a guy I had to make all this effort to fantasise etc for it to happen, with this guy I couldn't believe it for the first time in my life I had to stop myself from coming because within about 30 seconds of foreplay I almost came! He just had the best foreplay technique. Unfortunately I wasn't in love with this guy (though he was a very nice man and a very unselfish lover) so I just didn't feel the emotional connection there. So it feels as if either I get the physical pleasure but not the emotional connection or the emotional connection but not the physical.
On the other hand I know nearly all guys are obsessed with being good in bed, but not the kind of good in bed that a woman requires, but the kind of good in bed that only other men would judge. For instance just about every guy asks endlessly "am I big enough" "I don't think I went for long enough, I only went for 30 minutes but I used to be able to go for 40 minutes" You have to reassure them that yes they are the right size and that banging you for the length of time it takes to watch a Star Wars movie is "long enough". When you say "honey I don't actually need you to go for 2hrs what I need is for you to give me more than 2 minutes of foreplay" they just ignore you. It's like they want to impress their mates, "Hey man i banged this chick for 2 hours last night" Sometimes I really think men should just sleep with each other!
I think we need a sex app, so that when you meet a guy at a bar, you can look his ex girlfriend rating up "I give Darryl 9 out of 10 for kissing, but only 1 out of 10 for foreplay. I was going to give him 0 but decided to give him a 1 because his hand accidentally brushed against my clitoris when he took off my underwear"