As an agony aunt, nothing seems to quite get people agonised quite like a wedding.
This week’s question is from Sarah. She received a wedding invite in the mail. Lovely. Except, she says, there was a poem inserted into it. A little ditty that had quite a specific message:
We really hope you can join us on our special day.
You’ll make our memories complete, in every single way.
We do not have a gift list and we know you’ll understand.
Our house and contents are complete with pots and plates and pans!
But should you really want to give and celebrate this way,
A gift of money would be lovely for a rainy day.
A rainy day, indeed.
“I’m sorry”, says Sarah. “But what if I WANT to get them a gift? Is it rude when the couple have specifically asked for cash? Is it passive aggressive for me to go against their wishes? Or is it just rude of them to ask for cash? What should I do, and if I give cash, what’s an appropriate amount?
Oh Sarah.
Let’s unpack.
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Top Comments
The poem sucks, but it still implies they 'have everything' and so cash is their preference IF you want to give something, rather than an essential gift. I see nothing rude in that. In the culture into which I married, cash is the only type of gift given at weddings and the cash received pays for the ceremony on the day. Since everyone follows this same system, it is just like getting micro loans- you just record who gave you what and give them the same at their wedding. I find this system a lot more comfortable than having to choose from luxury gifts beyond my price range on a register.
I think keeping a record of who gave you how money is very passive-aggressive and tacky. I find nothing comfortable about that. If it was in an anonymous envelope, it would be ok.
how *much money - sorry.
So you think her husband's culture is passive aggressive and tacky? How enlightened of you.
If they have everything and only want money for a "rainy day", then they don't need anything and I would just go to celebrate the special day with them.
No gift is necessary.
My issue is that if people give a gift that it can't be determined exactly how much they have spent and I far prefer that! I really don't want to know how much someone spent - I'm more a 'thought that counts' person and was actually a bit shocked and embarrassed when one couple at my own wedding gave us about $120 in a card - I thought that was really extravagant! I got married about ten years ago. That said we did have a gift register so I supposed I could have looked up half the gifts if I had cared to (we chose gifts that started at less than $10, and had a couple that were over a hundred but to be honest I thought the more expensive gifts might come from friends pooling their money). I'm quite happy for someone to wait for a special and give us something that saved them 50% or to give us something off register, or give us a small thoughtful gift. I really dislike the idea that there is a designated amount that must be given to be considered a good enough gift. It just sounds really cold!
I can't believe that if I effectively want to buy a ticket to a wedding these days I will apparently have to give them $200!! Most weddings I would attend would involve travel, time off work, and accommodation, and $200 on top? I must be a Scrooge! Isn't my presence, thoughtful gift, love, and well wishes enough anymore?