Planning a wedding is always fraught with drama, but for one woman it’s causing serious tension with her in-laws.
Reddit user electricandlive took the forum to seek advice on a problem that started after her sister-in-law, the bride to be, requested that she wear the bridesmaid’s dress to the wedding.
The twist? She’s not even a bridesmaid.
“I’m a professional musician and my sister-in-law asked me to play her down the aisle, so I was like ‘Yes, no problem’. I can do that for her (even though they all know I don’t enjoy performing that sort of music),” she wrote.
Image: iStock
"At dinner the other night my mother-in-law says she needs me to play at arrivals too - both my husband and father in law speak out and say something to the effect of 'She's family she wants to enjoy the wedding and not be working' but I again grin and agree and take the hit, let's not make things awkward.
"My mother-in-law then says 'At least you'll get a free dress' which is obviously news to me! Turns out they want me to wear the same dress as the bridesmaids."
The unusual request threw her.
"This makes me feel a) like it will seem like I WANTED to be a part of the bridal party but didn't make the cut so as consolation they're letting me wear the dress and b) a bit like I'm being treated as part of the furniture/hired help," she continued.
She was unsure whether she was being overly sensitive or whether the request really was unreasonable. (Post continues after gallery.)
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"Is it normal to expect your sister-in-law to wear what you want her to to your wedding if she's not a bridesmaid? Make no mistake I have no interest in being one and it's not like I would have worn white or anything," she wrote.
"I have taken into consideration that it may indeed be their way of thinking they're including me in the wedding in some way, but again it feels really condescending; it's not like they're wanting to dress my partner and he's their son/brother!"
It also doesn't help that there's some tension between the couples over their own wedding three years ago.
"I'm genuinely happy for her and her fiance however, I've had to sit through family get-togethers recently at which they've been unbelievably condescending and straight-up mean about our wedding so I find myself still defending my wedding decisions to my mother-in-law almost three years later which makes me feel ridiculous!" she wrote.
Image: iStock
"I was a ridiculously considerate bride and regret it to a point because I chose to please my mother-in-law and rather hurt my own mum's feelings to keep the peace during ours.
"Also my sister-in-law was one of my bridesmaids and I gave all of my girls the freedom to wear something they were comfortable in - so I feel like this is all an unbelievably inconsiderate thing to do as I really should just be treated and left to my own devices as a guest like everyone else."
Confused at what to do, the woman asked how users would want to be approached if they were the bride to be.
Responses were mixed, with many people pointing out that the fact that she was playing music at the wedding meant she wasn't really "just a guest".
"You are providing a service and are now part of the wedding so I do think they can ask, but I personally think it is strange to be asked/told to wear what the bridesmaids are wearing," responded one user. (Post continues after gallery.)
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"Not in the sense that they requested a certain attire, but in the sense that bridesmaids have their role and dress for it, the flower girl has her role and dresses for it, and you have another role."
Others questioned why it had to be the bridesmaid's dress.
"It seems weird to ask you to wear a specific dress. If they say it's because you'll be visible as part of the wedding, just ask them if the officiant or DJ is also wearing color coordinated outfit. No? Then you shouldn't have to either. I would politely decline," wrote another.
Many advised discussing the possibility of finding middle ground with the bride.
"Have you thought of changing out of the dress after the ceremony? That way you won't feel like a bridesmaid wannabe,' suggested one user.
"If they are paying for the dress anyway and you think they wouldn't take offence, this might be a solution that makes everyone happy. Another option might be to ask for a different style in the same colour."
Image: iStock.
Top Comments
I think you're being spectacularly selfish and making a mountain out of a molehill here. I get that you wouldn't do your wedding this way. That's because your wedding is yours to do as you wish, and hers is hers.
Is what she asked of you (just to wear a specific frock) nasty? Spiteful? Maliciously intentioned? Does she want you to dress in a way that would humiliate or deeply offend you? I doubt it very much. You have been very vague about her meanness about your wedding and I suspect it may be because you are interpreting things the wrong way.
Are you trying to see the situation from her perspective and be supportive and focused on being a good sister in law and the health of your long term relationship? I don't think so.
I suspect she was deciding between choosing you as a bridesmaid and requesting this honour of you, which is also an enormous compliment - she thinks you are so talented and she cares for you so much she wants you to 'walk her down the aisle'. So she's essentially bestowing a double honour on you.
It's up to you to stop trying to make this about you, to stop trying to read into this situation as being such a big deal that you feel terribly offended by, and be supportive and gracious and accept the honour in the spirit which it was likely intended.
Flipping heck, there are so many big awful things out there in the world. There are families that abuse each other, steal from each other, don't even talk. Why get your nose out of joint about wearing a frock for a day? Why do you have to make such an enormous deal out of it?
I think your reaction says a lot more about you than her request says about her.
Cynical I know. But if it was my 'sister in law' I'd be concerned with what the real motivation was for asking me to wear a bridesmaids dress in the first place. During the wedding it'd be to embarrass me in some way, and after the wedding I could definitely see myself reading a bride telling a shaming story somewhere, of her sister in law not accepting she wasn't part of the wedding party, but then wearing the dress anyway. But they are toxic, game playing narcissists like that. So my concerns are probably unique, and not transferable admittedly. .