"A solemn promise to my daughter who goes back to school tomorrow."

Little one.

You’re so big now. Year One. Where did the time go? Last year’s kindy dress is so way above your knees, your pigtails long abandoned, you’ve been well and truly initiated into the world of headlice and boy germs and competitive fancy dress.

And me? Well, with one whole year of school life (that’s #schoolyfe to you) under my belt, I’m a hardened veteran, I’ve learned so many lessons.

Like… no matter how tired I am, I should never forget to fish around in the bowels of your surprisingly smelly schoolbag for small pieces of crumpled paper that might save me you the embarrassment of being the only kid who didn’t dress as a pirate on International Pirate Day, or as mufti on Screw The Uniform Day or in an Easter Hat on… yes, you get it.

And that it’s definitely worth me turning up at the schoolgates a couple of times a week, just so your teacher knows you’re not entirely raised by the enthusiastic band of teenagers who run Before School Club.

And to never, ever, ever look at what level reader your classmates are on. I learned the hard way that only leads to fear and loathing, wine and tears.

But mostly, my golden-haired girl, I make you this solemn promise — this year, I really, really, really will not even try to get creative with your school lunch.

Right now, the internet is bursting with “amazing school lunch ideas“.

Lunches that look like this:

    And like this:

None of these things are a Vegemite sandwich with an apple. Which is what you get.

Every now and then, I would feel ashamed by the random social media mention of sushi rolls and kiwiberries and start “experimenting” with making things less dull in your “waste-free” lunchbox. But it never worked out between us.

Time-poor me and taste-poor you were not suited to this experimentation. Soggy pitta rolls, cold spaghetti, browned and curly carrot sticks, it just wasn’t working out.

And let’s face it, my attempts to make your meal break more interesting weren’t really about YOU at all. They were about me, stressed in the face of  stiff competition from the imaginary mum down the road who was carving kumquats into Mickey Mouse ears, and fashioning gluten-free bread into frangipani blossoms every morning before yoga.

This year, my little school-bound girl, I promise you this:

Vegemite sandwiches and an apple. The bread will be brown but it won’t have bits. The apple will be whole, you’ll have to use your teeth. Sorry about that. And on special occasions, there might be a stringy cheese stick in there.

We will try to avoid the abject humiliation of the time when your dad tried to smuggle a peanut butter sandwich past the allergy detectors and the whole class pointed and laughed at your reddening face before the teacher donned a HAZMAT suit and sent you home with an IOU from the tuckshop. That was a dark, dark day.

It will never get that bad again. But it will also never get as “good” as the time I tried to cram a naan bread and yoghurt dip into your Frozen-inspired, no-brand Tuppaware. Your uniform never really recovered from that one.

Yes, this year’s parental homework for me will be NO MORE LUNCHBOX SHAME.

There are vitamins in Vegemite, right?

What’s going in tomorrow’s lunchbox in your house? 

You can follow Holly on Facebook and shame her about the state of her Vegemite sandwiches, here.