Let me start by saying that I have nothing but respect for parents of autistic children. Having worked with kids who are on the spectrum in the past I know it’s not an easy road.
But as a mother I have to stand up for my son.
There is a boy who attends my son’s daycare. He is autistic and his communication skills are very poor. (Obviously I know that all autistic children are different, I’m just speaking about this particular child in this particular situation.)
I know the family work closely with the daycare centre to manage him, but his behaviour is out of control. It has been suggested that he may be more suited to a school focused on special needs but his mother was adamant she wanted her son to attend this preschool.
His siblings all went there and she has a strong connection to the community. She is also trying her best to give her son the most normal upbringing possible and I can understand that.
But when he is frustrated or angry he lashes out, kicking and punching. He is aggressive and violent and takes it out on other children.
The problem is that my son is his favourite target. It’s now at the point where he will seek him out across the playground, run to him and push him over, slapping him in the face.
A few weeks ago my son came home with two giant scratches down his face. I could clearly see the gouges of this boys nails on my son’s cheek. Seeing it made me angry. It made me want to cry. Why? Why does he have to put up with this?
Image: istock
I feel for the mother of this boy. Her child is 'that' one and just like every other mum she is trying to do the best by her child. I know the teachers have spoken to her and I can't imagine the worry and heartache she must go through.
I have tried to be understanding and compassionate. But at the same time I'm not okay with my child being a human punching bag. My son is now constantly looking over his shoulder to see whether or not this boy will be behind him, ready to interrupt his game by kicking him in the back of the head (yep, that happened).
Every single day last week my son came home with a story about how this child hurt him. At the start of the week it was a story about recess time. The children all sat down to eat their morning tea. For whatever reason this kid got upset. He got out of his seat, walked to the other end of the table and bit my son on the shoulder. Just sank his teeth in.
How do I teach him that's okay? How do I explain to a five year old child that unfortunately, he just has to cop it because this child doesn't know any better? That's not right. Just like anyone else my son has the right to feel safe in his environment and while I try my hardest to be compassionate towards the family of this child I can't stand by and wait for him to choose another target or learn that it's not okay to hurt other people.
Image: istock
The way I see it, preschool years are important for teaching children how to interact with each other, how to get along and how to develop friendships. I'm stuck in an awkward position because as my son's mother I want to tell him to stand up for himself, that he doesn't have to accept being hit, kicked or punched by anyone.
Yet that's exactly what I have to do because I don't know what else I can do short of pulling him out of the centre. I don't want to do that. He had made friends, he is settled and frankly, why should we be the ones to leave when my son doesn't have a problem getting along with other people?
Perhaps this is on the daycare centre. If this child cannot get through a day without deliberately hurting another person, the centre should explain that he can no longer attend the centre.
It's my job as my son's parent to keep him safe and to educate him on his rights as a human being. I wouldn't accept turning up to my job every day to be physically abused and bullied by someone else so, why do I behave like it's okay for my son simply because this child has a diagnosis.
You can probably tell I'm angry. I'm frustrated and I'm fed up. I have spoken to the daycare about this at length and their response has been to increase supervision for this child. It's not working though, it still happens. If this child requires a minder for the entire duration of the day is supervision then reduced for the other children there? They haven't employed anyone else so I can only assume this is the case. No wonder it's still happening, there are thirty other kids to take care of.
So as the mother of the child who comes home and tells me that once again he was pinned down and hit in the face, what would you do?
Top Comments
As a mom myself of a child on the spectrum I can understand your concerns about your children's safety but you are missing one vital point here.
The reason all children go to educational settings as oppose to being individually thought at home is so they learn to adapt into different situation and learn that everyone is different and the educational settings are the current environments where the future generation of adults is being created.
So it is not all just about our own children but it is about all the children as a collective and the Adults that this collective is going to produce in the future...
Now I am going to talk about Autism as a disability- I can see that your anger is directed at this Autistic child and his mom who are not in any way responsible that the child is Autistic , because not a single person in the world signs up to be an Autistic or a parent of an Autistic child ....Autism is caused by brain anomaly of the brain synapsis which disables children from being able to control their behaviours.
Another interesting fact is that the prevalence of Autism in prisons is a lot higher than among the general population so that should tell you that society is failing to integrate Autistic individuals into society.
Studies on how to best integrate Autistic children into independent socially active Adults show that attending Mainstream Educational Settings is the best for the end outcome.
So unless you share similar to Hitler's views that the disabled should be segregated into concentration camps then you need to understand that disability is everywhere around us and is very likely that at one day every single one of us will become disabled as we age then you should ask yourself if you want when that happens for you be segregated from society.
Now let me go back to your concern about safety: yes you are right if this child is so aggressive that puts other kids at risk then the Local Education Authority has legal responsibility to provide 1:1 support for this child at all times so that to make sure other kids are safe. If you have a concern I suggest that you write to your Local Educational Authority so more funding is put in place to pay for a learning support assistant.
But let me share more light on the current situation on SEN funding - 50 percent of SEN budgets across the country have been cut last year by the Tory government so now the only option is that if child has severe needs - it needs to go through a minimum of 20 weeks process of obtaining an Educational Health Care Plan which provides more funding for extra staff...So please try to realize the situation is a lot more complex and Socio-economically dependent on political decisions.
The scale of the problem is big and you cannot be running from one nursery or school to another - 15 percent of children in the UK have SEN needs and a lot of them have behaviour problems. So I hope that you can see that we need to vote carefully because those issues affect the society as a whole and segregation is not the answer
I'm looking at this from the victim's point of view here - and you can hate me all you want for telling you my truth.
But I'll tell you our story of how we are dealing with an autistic child beating my son every day at school.
My son is 6 (year 1), and there's an autistic kid in his year at school. My son has been moved to the year 1-2 class as he is constantly picked on / kicked ad bitten by the autistic kid. The school won't put on any additional staff, as they are not being paid to (they are not a special needs school, rather a private school and it's additional costs to do so), and the mother of the child is only entitled to the funding for a day each week for a School helper (via NDIS).
My son showed empathy for this child last year and spoke to him, sat with him and tried to teach him colours / numbers etc. But it quickly turned aggressive and he started biting / kicking my son half way through last year. This child was removed from the classroom and put into single care teaching, however the school will not do that this year. The only thing the school will agree to (this year) is to separate the 2, so my son can have a normal chance at school to learning and making friends.
However it's on the playground that this child immediately makes a run for my son. Bite marks this week, a massive bloody bruise on his hip last week, dislocated finger the week before. So I told my son to retaliate and hit the child back - twice as hard, until he stops trying to hit you. He did, the child went down and my son then gave him a mouthful about bullying and that he wasn't going to take it anymore. The autistic child yelled sorry and then started to laughed, which made my son confused (for obvious reasons). The teachers then interacted, and my son got into trouble. In short... they removed the child for hurting anyone else, put him into TimeOut, whilst they waited for the mother to come take him home. No punishment for the autistic child, no suspension (like any other child would be), just "turn up tomorrow and do it again" attitude.
I have had many conversations with teachers and Headmistresses already (only week 7 of the year), and was friends with the mother until I advised her that her son should be at a special school because this behaviour is unacceptable, and that (as both my husband and I were badly bullied at school), we have taught our son to stick up for himself, even if that means your son ends up in hospital like ours has. And I'm glad my son stuck up for himself. No child should have to put up with constant harassment at his age. Every day we are trying to soothe the mental anguish it's causing my son. To the point that It's caused my son to start wetting the bed again, fear, depression, crying, he even wet himself at school last week, and I'm so angry. I'm not angry at the school, but that the mother doesn't see it from the other point of view. The victim's point of view. No one will play with my son in fear of getting beaten up, so not only is my son alone, he's also being beaten and abused. At a private school in WA. So we are actually paying for our son to be beaten. And the school has given the mother a choice to cancel this autistic child's Entry fee, so he can go to another school more suitable for her child, should she choose to.
I'm not angry at the teachers, as they shouldn't have to put on additional staff to look after this one child. That's not what a private school should be doing. Every child is there to learn and pay their fees, and every child adheres to strict discipline and learning.
No, I'm angry that the mother hasn't put her child into a school that can handle his needs. With one on one helpers, that the Government will fund. I mean, - hate me all you want, ladies - but what if this behaviour continues, and what happens when this child grows up - someone will end up being severely hurt by his hand. then who's fault is it? And what happens to the child? does he get put into jail, or beaten up, as there's no Time Out in the adult world.
Ask yourselves.... if someone (today) started picking on you and took a swing at you, trying to bite you, whilst you're waiting at the bus station/shops etc, what would you do? You retaliate.
And this is what my poor child has had to put up with if the autistic child is not given the right help / schooling. But - If autistic children can't adhere to (private) school regulations, then their parents need to look at other options.
Your thoughts would be welcomed
Hello, my son is only 4 and has an autistic classmate in his different rooms all day long. Never knew about her until he told me she bit him and that his arm hurt. Not a single staff member informed me until I personally called the school after getting home and examining his arm. The bite nearly broke his skin. It wasn't treated for pain or chance of infection with antibiotic ointment.
The worse part is that the school is protecting her and blaming my son for the situation. He doesn't understand that she is different and was trying to stop her from chewing on the puzzles they play with. The office manager informed me that if he is going to get near her she is going to bite.
I wanted to pull him out right after I left to get to work. My son doesn't need this. A 4 year old doesn't understand this level of difference in behavioral development. I calmed down and thought about writing a letter to the director with my person concerns for him and the other 19 students with this child.
I have worked with autistic children as a teacher and know this one is not in the right setting but I also understand that now that she is in this school the daycare/preschool is in a legal pinch. They can't remove her without a lawysuit so now my child is at risk daily from her. We survived two maybe three weeks without an incident. Last week I picked him up in his class room and watched her walk across the room and pinch him hard in the side.
The next day I witnessed her running from room to room having meltdowns. I want to pull my son out and bring this situation to light with other parents but I also feel bad for the girl. She doesn't understand she is doing wrong I get that. So do I leave my son at risk because the school is completely unequipped to handle an autistic child or do I go ahead and remove my child, hoping until he is elementary school we can avoid another situation like this?