One thing you may not know about me – in fact, it’s something I didn’t know or appreciate about myself until I spent some time alone – is that I love nothing more than to be loved, just like I love nothing more than to love. It’s probably why I’ve found this nine month period so challenging. I’m struggling more with the fact that I don’t have a person to confide in and snuggle at night more than I ever thought I would. How funny is it that out of everything, I just miss having someone to tell everything to and get a simple cuddle when I need it?
A question I’m often asked is: “do you regret having kids young now?” My answer to that will forever be no. I sometimes wish I was born in another generation with my kids so they don’t have to have their hearts absolutely shattered by a boy who was silly and didn’t see their worth! (Biased mother, but my kids are going to be great catches I know it). The problem these days is that people are just far too afraid of commitment.
It’s like being with the same person for the rest of your life is a bad thing. Or am I just an old soul? Is it now not cool to be happy with the one person anymore? (Someone please tell me because I’m dying over here trying to figure it out.) The only thing I’d regret with my children would be showing them how to hate and fight. It is not what I, as a co-parenting Mum, want to expose them to. And it’s something I’ll continue to try and avoid by making things work in a somewhat functional manner. As hard as it is, the lessons they learn from it far outweigh my feelings.
My whole adult life, all I’ve known is love. I’ve fought hard to keep it. I’ve fought as it broke right before my very eyes and now I’m fighting to get rid of it while I try and find it. I’m so sick of fighting with this feeling! Why does it have to control so much of life? Why is it all I seem to search for and feel I need to validate myself with? You can’t love someone unless you love yourself – so they say – but how can you love yourself when the person you loved didn’t want to love you anymore either? I just don’t get it.
Why do we get so much joy out of another person and give them so much power over us? We literally hand over our happiness when we say I love you, and trust this person to look after it. To me it was such a beautiful thing and something I got so much joy out of but now I just can’t seem to see it ever happening again. Why I would want to risk losing myself again? Why don’t they make them like my Dad anymore? My first love, and at this rate my last!
My kids love the shit out of me. I love them more than words can ever express but for some reason for me that’s just not enough. I’m still hoping I bump into my future husband in the supermarket. I’m still hoping someone will come up and just sweep me off my feet and worship the ground I walk on. I’m still hoping for someone to fill the passenger seat in my family car and fill the empty spot in my bed. I’m hoping for one of those fairy tale things where you just can’t believe your luck and you end up with someone who just appreciates everything about you and never makes you feel unsure about anything. Someone who just comes straight in and loves all your broken pieces back together again. Someone who day in day out, chooses me. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK PEOPLE? I have so many questions to ask the person who invented this stupid love thing I tell you!
The beauty of the internet and social media is that I can do what I do and touch the lives of many women and men and share my story, and the not so pretty side of it is that it’s so easily accessible. This is where I think I’ve hit the nail on the head. You see, people can just scroll their news feeds and see all these pretty fine, tuned girls, half-naked with nice perky titties, flat stomachs and big boobies.
I don’t have a huge issue with this as I think if I looked like that I’d probably post it too, BUT most are somewhat selling themselves, I swear. Meanwhile, the good girls are just burying their heads further into their pillows feeling not good enough. It’s scary how controlling it all is. It’s like the people in relationships think these days “why settle when I could potentially find better if I just keep scrolling?” While they keep scrolling, the people who are single are all like, ‘hey come at me, I can do this!’ (While they put their legs behind their ears half naked doing a double back flip).
Looking for love? You need Osher Gunsberg’s love advice.
I fear the shit out of my kid’s future like you wouldn’t believe. If you have a good man, and men if you have a good girl LOCK THAT SHIT DOWN NOW! I’m telling you this isn’t a time to be single and have a big soft heart. It’s scary. I almost want to pack up and move to a deserted island where I don’t have a phone and just my favourite people in the world to live there with me. In a strange way, I seriously pray I’m just one of the unlucky ones that are bitter and twisted from an unlucky situation. I hope there’s not too many of you feeling the same way.
I do take great comfort in knowing though, that if we are a minority then there is so much love out there for us to receive one day and that not all people are programmed like this. We just have to find the right ones, which I do believe exist as I’ve seen them – Hayle, Soph, Chloe, Tegan, MY MUM and sister, you girls are all kicking goals with those men! I don’t mean to pigeonhole everyone into these categories I really don’t. I’m just a people-hating-sicko right now.
No, but seriously, if you’re a lover like me just know we will find someone. Even if we are a little nutty ourselves.
This post originally appeared on According To Abby and was republished here with full permission. You can also follow Abby on Instagram and Facebook.
Top Comments
Abby, as hard as it is, I think it's a good thing that you've got this opportunity to find yourself and learn to be happy, without relying on someone else. Because even in a strong loving relationship, there will be times that that person may not be able to constantly help you feel loved - if they're sick, or overworked or depressed or caring for an elderly relative etc. Just like happens to all of us occasionally. There will be ebbs and flows, even with a strong commitment and true love. It's unhealthy to be dependant on someone for your happiness.
I've had to learn this for myself, too. I fell in love at 15 and married my childhood sweetheart at 21. At 27 he left me for someone else. While we didn't have kids together, it was still absolutely gutwrenching and I can relate to much of what you have said, because that's how I felt at the time. (I also lost my faith in men and relationships in general for a bit too!)
Although it was extremely hard, I came to realise how much I had an unhealthy dependence on my ex-husband's love to make me feel worthy and happy. So I had to find myself and learn to love myself. Counselling helped, as did taking a holiday, and having good family and friends around me.
By the time I found my now husband - an absolutely wonderful man - I was able to approach our relationship differently and in a healthier way. I hope this works out for you too, as it sounds like you have much love to give.
Abby, when you find a mature, honest, long term love, it is unlikely to be all of those things you are looking for. At least not all of the time! But you are right in identifying that one of the most important things is to find someone who wants to make that commitment with you, and chooses to keep being committed through the challenges. Try not to base your self worth on a person who wasn't ready for that. In fact, don't base your self worth on somebody else's love at all. While all relationships have their challenges, some are worth your time, love and effort - others are not (even when they once were).
I don't agree with telling people they have to feel complete or happy on their own before they are "ready" to be in a relationship. For some people more than others, sharing their life with a partner is really important for feeling content. But you shouldn't wait for that person to fix all your broken pieces, or expect that their love will make you never feel unsure about anything. That is where the love for yourself comes in!! And I think we keep developing and learning that for our whole lives. Make a commitment to love yourself Abby, like you would a dear friend. This will set a wonderful example for your children, and give them a happier mum, with or without a relationship.