I go make-up shopping with Paula Joye & Napoleon.

That headline sounds so much more glamorous than the reality. But I’m going to talk you through it anyway. So last week, Paula and I met for a lunchtime haloumi roll at our favourite cafe. She’d just been to yoga. I’d been for a run and then flopped at my computer to do some writing at home for a few hours. We were both looking less than special but who cares. That’s the beauty of not working at ACP’s, Park St anymore. What you wear to work doesn’t matter. Nobody sees you in the lift. There is no lift.

Anyway. So we finish our lunch and Paula says, “I need to buy an orange lipstick” and I nod.

Yes, “need”. I know that feeling well. It’s when somehow, with this one thing (orange lipstick, black swimsuit, white-t-shirt, nude wedges), the planets will align and everything in your world will magically become perfect. Ahhhhhh. If only. But still, it was tempting. “I’ll come” I said, instantly deciding to wag work and go to Westfield with Paula instead.

Let me paint you a quick visual picture. Paula was in cut-off denim shorts, thongs and a singlet. I was in running tights, Nikes, an XXXL Bonds t-shirt and a cap. My hair was greasy, hers was pulled back. Not a scrap of make-up between us.

So off we trotted, first stop Supre. We combed the racks like the pros we are at picking out the wheat from the chaff. Well, Paula’s a pro. I get it wrong constantly and end up buying a whole lot of cheap stuff that just looks cheap. She expertly edited the tightly packed racks and extracted a leopard-print singlet, layering crop-top and grey marle maxi. I disappeared into a fitting room to try on a bunch of things that looked awful. Supre can be hit and miss for me. I love it for the quick, cheap bits but have learned the hard way not to go utterly nuts.

I topped up my supply of long white singlets and we headed off to find a MAC counter where she could buy the orange lipstick she was looking for. Both Paula and I used to be beauty editors. At Cleo. Consecutively. The difference is that I seem to have forgotten most of what I learnt and she hasn’t. It may interest you to know that even former beauty editors are intimidated and overwhelmed by the idea of going to the beauty counter in a department store. I won’t speak for Paula but I always feel like I’m going to be ambushed and condescended to and then forced to buy 100 products I don’t need.

So I always steer clear. I prefer to buy my products in chemists where nobody talks to you or anywhere else I know I’ll be left alone. Alternatively, I just re-buy stuff I’ve already used when it runs out, treating it like a SWAT rescue mission – get in, ask for the product by name and GET OUT. Hopefully unscathed and un-broke.

And I’m usually rushing. And I never know what to buy. Often, I’ll text Zoe Foster and remind her that I gave her her first job as a beauty editor and now that she is a guru in her own right, SHE OWES ME. Then she’ll tell me what to buy and I will coo down the phone that I love her very much.

But going make-up shopping with Paula is pretty bloody fabulous. I followed her from counter to counter like a puppy. Everything she touched and said was great, I bought. Most at the Napoleon counter. Also at MAC.

We have a history with Napoleon. Not only because Paula is actually a friend of Napoleon Perdis (the kind of friend who stays at his Palm Springs holiday house) but because during my first and last nightclub crawl 12 years ago, Paula and our friend Wendy got me so drunk that the hangover the next day made me cry. We were in Melbourne and spent a hilarous day (after the Panadol kicked in) staggering up and down Chapel street buying silly things we’d never wear. Like puffa vests and red and yellow trainers.

Finally, we plonked ourselves down in the Napoleon store on Toorak road and bought armloads of sparkly ‘eye dust’ in different colours. It seemed like just the ticket to make us look and feel human again. More than a decade and several children later, it was just like old times but without the hangover as we bought more sparkly eye dust.

Then we hit MAC in search of Paula’s perfect orange lipstick which she found. It was called Morange. And I bought that too.

[PS this post is not sponsored. And I paid full price for everything just in case you were wondering…..]

Here is a list of what else I bought

• Napoleon Boudoir Mist foundation– it’s in a spray can and the lovely Kylie who had a pierced GUM, showed me how you could vary the coverage depending on whether you sprayed it close to your skin or further away. She demonstrated this on her tattood arm and by golly if she wasn’t right. Sometimes I have to do my own make-up before I go on TV (can you BELIEVE it? I cry for me) and anything that can make foundation application easier and more even, I’ll try.
• MAC brown eyeliner – THE BEST brown eyeliner said Paula. Ka-ching.
• MAC retractable eyeliner in a mushroomy colour – I use this colour every day, always looking for good ones.
• Napoleon Lip Patrol – it’s like a berry colour. Maybe strong lips are a good thing. I’m going to try.
• Napoleon Divine Goddess lipstick in Atlanta – a great neutral, nice and creamy
• Napoleon loose eye dust in Holy Smoke and Gliteratti Gold – I’m going to make like my friend Louise and just wear sparkle all the time. Why not?
• MAC liquid liner in Aqualine – this is so much fun. Bright aqua. Goes along lashline, smudge it a little and it stays on brilliantly. I put my mushroom liner either over or under it depending on how bright I want it.
• Napoleon jet set lipstick in Washington – a nude sheer. Perfect for every day. Feels yummy.

It’s so much more fun going make-up shopping with a friend. Especially a friend who knows her shit. For more Paula expertise, check out Lifestyled.

Bought anything beauty that you’d like to rave about?