There are many wonderful things about being single. Being single at a wedding is not one of them.

Not because of bitterness or jealousy. But because there is no other occasion on earth where your relationship status will come under such scrutiny. Forget a suit or a floaty Lisa Ho frock. If you’re an unmarried wedding guest over 30, you may as well wear a
sandwich board emblazoned with the words: “OH PLEASE ASK ME WHY I’M NOT
MARRIED YET!”

Three weekends ago at a wedding reception, I bumped into the bride’s sister, L, hiding in the bathroom. It was almost time for the bouquet toss and she was desperate to escape that peculiar indignity of being rounded up with the other single girls like cattle to compete for a wilting bunch of peach roses and baby’s breath.

I know L quite well so we didn’t have to wade through much of the usual wedding small-talk (“Beautiful bride!” “Stunning dress!’  “Terrific speech!”), before L abandoned the niceties and started bitching. “When will this be over?” she muttered darkly into her champagne, “I just want to get the hell out of here.”

L was single at a wedding, and was about to cry,  but these two things weren’t connected in the way you might think. You see, L was perfectly happy being single. At 34, she’d just bought her own flat, was kicking all sorts of goals at work and had a great life filled with travel and friends and job satisfaction.

But all of this was irrelevant to numerous relatives and family friends who could only see – and comment on – her naked ring finger. “I was feeling great about my life at the beginning of today,” she ranted, reaching for my champagne now that hers was gone. “I was happy! But all anyone wants to know is why I’m still single. After a full day of it, I just want to drag my sad spinster ass home and stick my washed-up head in the oven. If one more bloody person asks me ‘So! When will it be your turn?’ I’m going to beat them to death with a bonbonniere.”

What made the whole thing even more bizarre is that this was the bride’s second wedding in two years. She’d split from her first husband less than a year into that marriage and had instantly rebounded into the arms of a high school boyfriend. But no one mentioned how strange it was that the bride had boomeranged back to the altar so fast. No, no, no. The Abnormal Freak Prize was unanimously awarded to L for being – gasp – unmarried at 34.

“Oh don’t worry, it will happen for you one day, dear” yet another old aunty soothed, patting L’s hand before adding a cautionary warning: “but don’t leave it too late!”

Too late for what is unclear. Perhaps she will turn into a pumpkin. Or shrivel up and blow away. Is it better to grab the closest available man and cling for dear life even if it’s all wrong and the marriage disintegrates? Well, yes. A failed marriage – heck, even two! – would seem to make some people less uncomfortable than no marriage at all.

I don’t believe the same affliction affects single men at weddings. There is no Spinster Syndrome equivalent. Regardless of age, unmarried men are not made to feel like they’ve failed. Their single status is seen as their choice. They’re rarely the objects of pity or concern. More like a wink and a nod at their unspoken virility and roguishness. Very George Clooney, yes?

You’re unlikely to find anyone resembling George Clooney at the horror that is The Singles Table. Every wedding has one. In my single past, I remember once being seated between the bride’s socially dysfunctional 40-year-old cousin and the groom’s lecherously divorced boss. I spent most of the wedding hiding in the toilet and feeling like meat. Single meat. At least I was seated with adults. One girlfriend was appalled to discover she’d been placed at the kids’ table at a family wedding. She was 28. Her tablemates were aged 8-14. That was good for the self-esteem.

Singles aren’t the only ones doing it tough at weddings. Unmarried couples are in a hell of their own.  “It was horrendous and I was totally unprepared,” cringes a mate who took his live-in girlfriend to his cousin’s wedding last year. “The subject of marriage had come up a couple of times in our relationship but we’d agreed that we were happy with the way things were and why rush it.”

At least he thought they’d agreed until the twenty seventh time someone asked,  “So what are you two waiting for!” and his girlfriend’s forced jolly smile became a bit wobbly. They ended the night with a huge row in the cab home. “She wanted to know what exactly I WAS waiting for and we had to have one of those really long ‘where is this relationship going’ talks. She said she felt humiliated and I said I felt claustrophobic, like I had a marriage gun to my head.” Oh yes, nothing like a wedding to put a highlighter pen through the flaws in your relationship! It’s the elephant perched firmly on the lap of every unmarried couple in the room.

Of course, not all weddings are ghastly for single guests. Occasionally, the singles’ table bears fruit. “It’s definitely a good place to pick up,” notes one happy bachelor who’s had many a sleepover with a new wedding friend. “ Girls seem to get all mushy and lower their guard. Maybe it’s an unconscious desire to mate and head towards their own big day.”

Funnily enough, he’s not yet married any of them. Don’t worry, I console him, it will happen for you too one day, mate. Just don’t leave it too late, y’hear?

Have you ever been single at a wedding? Was your experience anything like L’s?