Kate Leaver.
By KATE LEAVER
I probably set a record last week, for Least Time Spent at a Christmas Party.
Have you ever walked into a party, completely on your own? No name or face clues. Just a pretty dress, strappy heels and a hot blush creeping up your neck.
Last week, I did it. When the invitation to this Christmas bash arrived, I was so thrilled. Flattered to be included, and positively gleeful with the prospect of meeting this group of wonderfully smart women. Then and there, I promised myself that I’d go.
The day came, and I spent hours fretting about the party, desperately tempted to excuse myself from the event. I so frequently duck out of parties at last minute in favour of hibernation, but I challenged myself to go to this one. I pictured myself chatting loudly, making meaningful connections, befriending writers I admire enormously. I pictured myself an extrovert.
This is what really happened.
I drove to the pub straight after work, at about 8.30pm. I switched my sensible flats for strappy sandals that leave zig-zag indentations on my feet but make me feel sassy. I circled the block 9 times, half looking for a park, half psyching myself up.
I walked in. Scanned the room. Tried to make eye contact with someone sympathetic. Everyone had been there 3 hours, their cheeks were flushed with drinking and their conversations were in full, jolly flight. I didn’t recognise anyone. I toyed with the idea of getting a drink, so I had something to hold. I couldn’t work out a way to infiltrate any of the circles of party-goers. Karaoke was imminent.
So I faked a phone call. Walked straight out and back down the stairs, and flew out onto the street, sweaty and grateful for the light breeze and anonymity of the curbside. I called my mum, high pitched and wobbly: “Ma, am I allowed to go home now? I’m actually quite pleased with myself that I turned up at all, but I think I need to go now. Can I just notch it up as a good story? Maybe I can write about it! Being scared of parties! I was actually really brave, mum. But I’d like to buy myself an ice cream and go home via the bookshop.”
And so, I’m confronted with my own introversion. I’m an introvert, and that’s OK (sing this to the tune of Monty Python’s I’m A Lumberjack And That’s OK).
Being socially timid (I like to think it’s not always obvious when you meet me) is at odds with the fact that I’m a performer. Put me on the stage, in front of a camera or at a lectern and I come to life. I’m a spotlight-dwelling creature who trades in words and witticisms. Give me a keyboard or a pen, and I’m all sass and eloquence. But in a room full of people I don’t know, at night, with drinks, straining to hear what people are saying over the din of clanging music? I shudder at the thought.
You know what, though. It’s actually more than OK to be an introvert. It’s only jarring when you have this mental image of an extrovert-version of yourself, cackling at the centre of attention.
I’ve pondered my introversion in the wake of my 40-Second Christmas Party Cameo. I made a tally of famous authors, poets and great thinkers that owed their success to their near-hermitude. To a certain extent, being inwardly inclined makes writing possible; it breeds philosophical thought. I spend a lot of time in my own head, capturing ideas from the ether and putting them into words. My being a wordsmith probably has everything to do with my being an introvert.
I realize now, that I’m actually quite fond of my dweebiness. I’m a self-confessed dag, and I’ve finally shrugged that teenage feeling of being pathetic if I’m at home on a Saturday night with my dog. I’d rather be watching DVDs than doing tequila shots, and I honestly cannot think of anything worse than clubbing. I’m a daytime activities kinda gal – coffee & brunch & picnics. Or dinner in a restaurant where the music is at such a volume that I can actually hear my companions speak. It’s quite liberating to know that about myself. And to like that about myself.
I know I’m not the only one, and I know social interaction is hard for most people. I’ve found that the best way to work through social anxiety is to set little challenges – and always be kind to yourself when it’s too much. Choose to surround yourself with people who lift you up, people who listen to you, people who nestle into your life in such a way that you can be as dweeby as you care to be.
I have the most extraordinary bevvy of friends, collected from all stages of my life so far, and my astoundingly wonderful love-friend. But they know how erratically I like to go from fragility to confidence, confidence to fragility. They know I won’t stay at parties long, that I prefer text message communication that phone calls, and that sometimes I cannot make myself leave the house, or even my bed.
And that’s what you gotta do, I think – find your tribe, find your people, and find pride in whatever character traits you happen to discover when you go rogue at a Christmas party.
As Susan Cain explains in this video, introvert should be encouraged and celebrated…
Kate is a radio producer, writer and Goon Show enthusiast. You can follow her on Twitter at @Kateileaver and visit her website here.
Would you consider yourself an introvert or an extrovert? Do you count down the days until a party, or would you prefer to stay home with a DVD?
Comments
91 Comments so far
This is me. I get extreme anxiety about attending functions where I do not know every single person there.
Thanks for writing this Kate.
I have faked illness to leave a party before. More than once…
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Brilliant!!! I am so happy to read this. I was trying to articulate my acute level of anxiety to my bubbly outgoing hubby yesterday. He knows I am socially awkward but never fully grasped the hyperventilation, pain in my chest, stuttering, fear and shaking that occur when I am around people I dont know. I am ok with one friend, but groups terrify me. I moved from Adelaide to Sydney 7 years ago and still have no close friends. I am torn between needing people and being scared of them. Funnily enough I am better when out with my 2 year old than alone! I feel a huge sense of relief when I walk through my front door as I finally feel safe.
I have done the phone trick too at parties. Took me many years to realize I would just rather be home watching a film.
Thanks for this post!!
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I’m with you, Kate – I had sweaty palms and even your strappy sandals were hurting me! I’m a writer too and have performed standup. So everyone always laughs when I explain that I’m shy, or that social interactions don’t energise me, but rather leave me running for a quiet place to regroup. I was always trying to ‘fix’ this problem, until I listened to Susan Cain and bought her Quiet book. It’s changed my life and now I embrace my introverted (or ambivert) life. There really is a whole lot of untapped power when we know we’re okay and ‘enough’. It’s also nice to know I’m not alone with the whole party angst thing
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I am very much an intro vert but I always show up to parties despite the anxiety because I know the only to make friends and keep them is to interact. I want to be friendly with the neighbours, comfortable to have people just drop in and I want to be easy in my own skin.
I actually think it is sad we sit next to people on aeroplanes and studiously ignore eye contact, that we have no idea who lives over the back fence or next door and we all hide away in our houses and avoid people while simultaneously connecting to fill the void on the Internet or Facebook.
I get it- it can be awkward and difficult and hard trying to connect. I am a naturally shy person and it takes immense courage to talk to people and interact. I want to believe it is worth it. That connecting makes us more human, better people, better neighbours. So I will smile and nod if I can get eye contact on the plane. I will try and get to know my neighbours( my next door neighbour and i tried to have a street party- no one showed up). I will say yes to invitations as I never say no to the opportunity to make new friends and belong in a community.
I am an introvert but I won’t give up trying to be better and mixing with people .
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I had this conversation with my oldest friend recently, we both enjoy the company of people in small numbers or just our own. But it’s tiring always trying to politely avoid the events that are just mindless chatter and drinking with people we don’t want to socialise with ie: work events, parties for ’0′ birthdays of relatives. I had lunch on Friday with my 3 favourite colleagues, my ‘work brothers,’ and it was great, as I chose to spend time with them and perhaps because we all have a touch of the introvert in our DNA.
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It took me until 27 to realise that I’m an introvert and not a sad, pathetic, socially inept individual. I was at a party and realised that I really just wanted to go home and watch Are You Being Served on TV. So I did. It was a defining moment for me but I still struggle. My daughter has just started school this year at a very community based run school so there are always social events for fundraising and parent meet ups and birthday parties almost every week. I have put on 5kg with the stress of having to be so social because I have to go to these things. My daughter is very social and I don’t want to hold her back so I think its time to sort this out and get some tools to deal with it. Thank you so much for the article.
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Got invited to a Christmas party yesterday…….didn’t go! Facebook is so much more easy to talk too lol
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I cannot tell you how timely and relevant this post is to me right now, Kate. Thank you! To have friends who “know how erratically I like to go from fragility to confidence, confidence to fragility. They know I won’t stay at parties long, that I prefer text message communication that phone calls, and that sometimes I cannot make myself leave the house, or even my bed” are the type of friends I need too.
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Great article – I have read Susan Cain’s book and recommend it. She certainly reclaims and validates the worth of introverts in a world that is biased towards extroverts – something which arose from basically a flawed business philosophy and model. As an introvert it made me want to embrace my need for reflective time and quiet in the future.
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ooh I love this Kate! I feel at home! I am 100% an introvert and relate so very well to everything you wrote! I’m 23 but while my peers are out clubbing I am much happier going out for a nice dinner somewhere quiet then coming home to watch telly! Well done for challenging yourself to go!
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Just watched the Susan Cain piece & loved it. She’s so eloquent about introversion. I never realised how I felt about group assignments & work set-ups until now. I used to have a role in a company which was reception/admn, so you were on reception to greet & give information but the role was also largely admin/computer-based work. I started to burn out being a face of the company dealing with the public. I disliked being seen all the time. When an opportunity for a job swap came about I advocated wholeheartedly. After this was successful a few other staff did job swap until quite a few of us had a good understanding of other roles within the company. We ended up with a system of five admin people where we switched the reception role about so someone different did it daily but with the other staff not too far off for the busier times. It worked well.
My dislike of the reception role was being on display. I didn’t mind the work as such, just the pressure it placed on me personally as an introvert. I worked in hospitality for a few years. Someone told me it would be good for me, help me to come out of my shell! I was also good at being a waitress for a while. I was friendly, had a good memory & attention to detail, could remember regulars orders, etc. I learned a lot about food & coffee & wine that I didn’t know before. But again I started to burn out because being in public really doesn’t float my boat. I prefer one on one interactions or small groups.
So next year when my daughter goes to kindy & I have some more time, guess what my agenda is? I’m going to give making art & writing another go & see what comes of it. A lot has changed with selling & exhibiting now, there’s etsy & a range of things you can do on the internet to get your work out there without having to put yourself out there. This internet thing just might catch on..
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I relate totally..I felt at times rather awkward at my work xmas party last night as I am new to the workplace..and everyone brought their partners (I am single)..I am naturally introverted as well so it was a challenge to not do a runner!! I stuck it out but didnt really enjoy it at all
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Thank you so much for writing this Kate. I’m just starting to realise that I may very well be an introvert, after years of having this dream in my head that I am an extrovert (and just waiting for the right moment to come out of my shell). Don’t get me wrong, I do try and set challenges like you mentioned, to get me out of my comfort zone. But the truth is also that I like spending the night at home, I like my own company sometimes and I’m never going to be completely comfortable being the centre of attention. It has been hard because my boyfriend is an extrovert and I am constantly trying to be more like him. I think I will be a lot happier once I can accept this about myself and stop thinking I need to change my personality completely…
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As someone more on the extrovert side of the spectrum I still don’t quite understand what it means to be an introvert. Apparently it’s not the same as being shy or socially awkward, yet Kate’s description sounds like exactly that. Even if you just like to spend more time alone I still don’t understand why a Christmas party can be so bad. Christmas is only once a year! It is possible to attend a party and not be the life of the party or the centre of attention, yet still have a good time. Like I said, I am extroverted but I am still shy in social situations where I don’t know anyone or don’t feel comfortable for whatever reason. Sometimes I even find these sorts of situations exhausting. Funnily enough I am a writer and I have always loved reading. My sister summed it up well when she said that extroverted people don’t even realise that introverted people exist. Therefore when we see a quiet person we don’t think, oh they’re just introverted, we think, why don’t they like people? When my husband and I go to book club together I spend the whole night talking, while can go the whole night barely saying a thing. I always felt bad, like I was talking so much that he couldn’t get a word in. But then I don’t talk over people or stop other people from talking. And then I’d say, What’s the point in going to book club and not saying anything? Isn’t the whole reason we go to book club because you want to share your experience of the book with the group? How can you be sharing if there is no exchange? Otherwise you may as well just stay at home and read and think about it by yourself? But I think he still likes to listen to everyone else’s ideas, he just doesn’t feel the need to say his very often. But for me I would not enjoy just listening and not participating. I need to bounce of other people, and that generates more ideas and creativity in me. Which is one of the difficulties I have with writing. I am a good writer, but I often hit a dead end. If I could work collaboratively I would be a much better writer. This is not to say that I always want to do group work, or that I want the whole process to be collaborative, but that collaboration needs to be part of the process. I think everybody feels like they don’t belong in this world sometimes. Even as an extrovert sometimes it’s still not enough!
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It seems to me you do have a grasp of what an introvert is, probably more than most people because you are married to one. In my opinion, whether you are an introvert or extrovert depends on what level of stimulation you are most comfortable with, which is different than how much stress and stimulation you can handle. Though the stress and stimulation of a large party can be handled by an introverted person, they are not most comfortable in that particular environment. Another way to look at it is, while an extrovert has noise and stimulation surrounding them, introverts have noise and stimulation in their own heads…which makes additional outward noise and stimulation a bit…well…over-stimulating. I’m not saying extroverted minds are empty, mind you, but thoughts have more power for growth and for an extrovert’s self-image when spoken, while thoughts have more power for growth and for an introvert’s self-image when pondered. I guess that would be my multi-faceted definition. Does this help? It may explain why your husband doesn’t speak up at book club meetings: he’s digesting the comments of others and using those comments as fuel for his own thoughts. Sometimes, that’s all an introvert needs to be happy – literal fuel for thought! Introversion and Extroversion isn’t black and white; it’s a spectrum. Everyone lands somewhere inbetween, so one never can know what each person feels most comfortable with.
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There is often a confusion surrounding introverts and extroverts. Introverts get their energy from within and extroverts get their energy from without – other people. Not a lot to do with being outgoing or shy.
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I think it’s very interesting that a lot of people who are introverted are commenting & they’re very often the people who’s comments I find the most interesting on here. Maybe introverts do spend a bit more time thinking about things, plus we like to read & reading widely often makes you a better writer, not that extroverts don’t read, just thinking out loud.
My sister & I clash terribly & always have. She is an extrovert, I’m an introvert. She used to tell me that I must have been adopted because we were just so different. It drives her insane to be quiet with someone. I find her the most draining person I know, she just can’t shut up. One of my best friends when I was little was an extrovert, I realise that as she has grown older she has become more like my sister. She stayed with us for awhile overseas & she just could not sit still or be in silence. We’d come home from work & there had to be music on. She’d listen to her headphones if we needed some quiet.
I would rather read & draw & watch films & listen to good music than always be talking. I often want to see concerts & shows but really can’t be bothered with contending with all the people. I do like to socialise with my close friends & I even enjoy meeting new people in some settings. But even a day with my friends can leave me drained. I definitely re-charge doing my own thing, whether at home or a nice cafe. And that’s ok.
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You and I would get on well I think
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Most likely, Lucinda! I saw your comment below & almost commented back. It’s funny how things creep up on you – like being homebody for you whilst studying. We came back from overseas a few years ago & I wasn’t working again yet. I wanted to go walking for fitness locally but there was a rapist attacking women on the local cycleways. Everyone told me not to walk alone even in daylight, so I didn’t & slowly got more anxious about bad things happening. Before you know it, anxious/what if thinking becomes your modus operandi rather than that won’t happen to me. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with being at home – so long as it is by choice & not fear of the world. I love to potter around the garden, go through things slowly, listen to music.
With regards to your work situation, it sounds to me like you tried to do the right thing being honest & your boss didn’t appreciate it. She was probably offended that you had other ambitions – her problem, not yours. Before we tried to get pregnant, I was only temping because I knew I had to have gyno surgery before we tried & didn’t know how long my recovery would take. I didn’t want to disadvantage an employer by having an unspecified time off after gaining a job. Some of us just think that way.
With regards to your Christmas party, if you don’t want to go, don’t go, send your Kris Kringle with someone else or drop it off at the venue early & go see a film that you want to see!
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I loved the talk in the video of the as well. I wonder if the standing ovation at the end was all the introverts cheering in solidarity!
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I have been an introvert all my life and I hate it. Everyone thinks I am a snob and I have very few friends but I can’t seem to change myself, it’s who I am. I would give anything to not be the shy, quiet girl that know one really wants to talk to.
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I was recently described by my new brother in law as very similar to his brother, the one he calls the snake…rude, arrogant, likes no one and brushes off people as insignificant. I was shocked as I am none of those things, just very socially anxious. It takes years for me to make a friend. I simply don’t know how to relate to strangers and find it stressful. Cheer up, I know how u feel!
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This is me too. When I was at school I’d get frustrated in the holidays having so many friends asking me over when all I wanted was some time to read, draw etc. I find this a challenge as a mum too, as other people are constantly wanting to do playdates and I just want a bit of time to spend with my own family. I really dislike small talk but with all the kids’ activities I am constantly meeting new people.
This is one of my favourite articles about introversion:
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/
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Not all introverts are shy and not all extroverts are outgoing. It’s an old stereotype.
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Love this! I’ve always considered myself an introvert, but have always felt the term had such negative connotations. I’ve never quite understood why extroverts are viewed as superior? I don’t know if they are or if it is just because their voice is often heard more/louder. All through school and work I’ve encountered “Omigosh, you’re so quiet” as though it’s a bad thing?! Wish I could be the type of introvert that reciprocated with “Omigosh, you never shut up!”
But really, I doubt extroverts have struggled with thoughts of “Why am I like this, I wish I could change”. Whereas always being told I’m ‘quiet’ has made me question my worth. I’m a bit older now so being told I’m quiet no longer has the same effect on me. Plus, I do actually like to talk – if there is something worthwhile to say! And I love to go out dancing, but that’s it.
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I can top that Kate. I’m not even going to my work Christmas party this year. And it’s not because I’m nervous or scared of being with a large group of people. It’s because being at a party is the social equivalent to me of hearing nails scratch down a blackboard. I like people. Love them in fact. One on one. Or in small groups. But not en masse. It’s overwhelming. I’m an out and proud social introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that!
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Another introvert right here Kate! I’m not a performer, but I am a writer and a big thinker of thoughts… sometimes ugly ones as well as good ones. Sometimes I do feel like I am a social outcast and that there must be something wrong with me, so this article – and the comments – is quite reassuring. I particularly hate staff christmas parties and mine is tomorrow night so this is also timely. Unfortunately, my time at work has not been happy in the last few weeks and it is my last week of work next week so I am feeling even less inclined to show up. I told everyone I was coming and put my secret santa contribution gift in the bag to be taken to the venue to avoid any questioning, but I really want to just feign illness and not show. I don’t drink and I hate clubs and bars which exacerbates things and I often arrive at events and just smile and latch on to the first person I feel comfortable talking to… just waiting until I feel like it is okay to leave. I feel like it is very sad that at these events, it is not unusual (though not always the case) that the best part of the night for me is the part where I get to go home.
It has crept up on me a bit, perhaps because during my studies I could never really afford to go out anyway so now I have just gotten used to being a homebody. I also find at many social events that you feel like you have to have an excuse to leave, particularly after others have been drinking. People seem less content to accept that you might prefer to have one or two drinks and go home at 10 or 11pm. They want to continually try to stop you from leaving, want you to drink and think you are a party pooper or not enjoying yourself if you tend to hover quietly and watch what is going on around you.
The jury is still out about tomorrow night. After everything that has happened at work, I feel awkward and not part of the team. I told my boss as I was finishing uni a few weeks ago that I wanted to find a teaching job in a school and was not sure the kindy job I was supposed to go into in this centre was right for me. I tlold her I wanted to be upfront so she wouldn’t be left in the lurch and she could plan what she wanted to tell the parents in preparation for next year. She thanked me and told me it was no problem, if I didn’t get a position I’d just stay until I did and it didn’t matter. She then decided she was going to teach the kindy group herself next year. Then 2 weeks ago she sent out an email to all staff telling them it was mine (and two other staff who’d given notice) last day on the 21st. She never spoke to me about the email until 2 days later when she told me she “couldn’t wait for my letter any longer”. Then she asked if I had a job lined up and I told her I didn’t have a job in a school but that I would have no problem finding teaching work in another childcare centre because every centre is looking for a qualified teacher. She looked at me directly and bluntly said “WE’RE NOT! Oh I am so glad I don’t have to advertise” as if to say, don’t bother asking to stay. Sorry to go off on a tangent but it is really disappointing that nice people always seem to finish last.
Anyway, have a merry introverted christmas everyone
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So, have you decided to go or do something else? I responded to this post above, Lucinda, not sure if you’ve seen it.
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Just be careful that you don’t come across as a snob but! I am exactly the same and found out that a few people in my team think that I am up myself and don’t like them.
Couldn’t be further from the truth and I have had to force myself to go to a few things just to show that I’m not. Once a rapport has been made I will let them in on my shyness secret!
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My fiance told me that I come across as a snob a lot! It floored me as this is not what I intend to convey at all. I’m just quiet in social situations and I don’t speak purely for the sake of speaking, so I often hang back. Apparently this means I’m a snob. :-p
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Thank you Kate!
This is me also.
At a symposium today with SO many people.
My thoughts as I left a lecture before lunch ….. Hmmm can I sneak away, would anybody mind if I just sit over here quietly, not rudely, just during lunch and not talk to any of them – I promise it is not personal ….. but if there is another 5 hours of this I many lose my mind.
Home now, my amazing man knows I am completely and utterly overdone and he is giving me space to recharge.
Have a good (quiet and at home) weekend all and Kate I think I may love you for writing this.
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Hello soul sister. It’s absolutely ok. And I saw that talk a while ago. So so good. I’ve never forgotten a little saying I heard once which I try to remind myself in social situations…. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” Often after many drinks at these type of things….. Well lets just say, there’s no doubting.
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It is such a relief that articles like this are being written. I have read several in recent times and it is so liberating to know that I’m not necessarily antisocial, as I’ve always thought, it’s just that the world has been designed by extroverts!
Unlike extroverts, I don’t need other people to entertain me. I am perfectly happy in my own company, in my own head – or more often bed with a good book. Apparently I’ve learned that 40% of the population are introverts and introvert isn’t even the proper description apparently. The traditional qualities of an introvert, probably decided by an extrovert, describe us as being shy and having low self esteem. To the contrary it is now found that introverts are highly creative people and that the way the social world has been designed, especially the workplace, stifles their creativity because they work better in solitude with less noise and social interaction. And most are not shy or lacking confidence, they just don’t need other people’s company!
Ground-breaking stuff and finally gives hope that the 40% of us may have to suffer no longer. Hopefully the work Christmas party will be no more and workers will arrange their socialisation outside work, where it should be done so the rest of us can be left alone.
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This is me to a T
Everyone thinks I am outgoing and extroverted but I crave my solitary time and can’t stand parties and loud clubs. Dinner parties and outdoor BBQ’s with close friends/family is much more me.
I believe it was Jung that said that extroverts get energy from being around others were introverts re-energise by having time by themselves. I think that is a fantastic way to look at it. Everyone recharges in different ways no way is better or worse than the other.
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Can we be friends?
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YES!
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This is so me! I always feel that i must be the only one who prefers staying in to going out all the time. I do think though that i become more extroverted with certain groups – i.e i’m sure my workmates think i am very extroverted and they don’t believe that i’m usually quite introverted in my personal life. It makes me wonder though, who is the real me?
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They are both you
I firmly believe that you can be an introverted extrovert…and an extroverted introvert! I have friends who love being around others, and can’t stand being alone, but they are pretty mellow and quiet. I am loud and chatty, but I need to be by myself to re-charge. I’m definitely an extroverted introvert!
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I would never class myself as an introvert, but this is so me.
I’ve made whole new outfits, just to get to event want to dash to the door after 5 awkward minutes.
Today I should be at the work Christmas lunch with an exquisite meal, lovely drinks & gifts, but I’m at home watching Jane Austen & sewing.
I have made every excuse under the sun to leave early or avoid gatherings altogether. I have had panic attacks when faced with a new work situation.
And what’s stranger I love to talk.
Put me in my costume workroom on a Saturday with a group of volunteer sewers & you can’t shut me up. Expect me to emerge from that same workroom on a week day & have my lunch in the staff room & I’d sooner iron my hand with my Laura Star.
I can work 10 days with a group of people putting together a fashion parade, but then faced with after-party, i swallow one drink & then I’m out of there.
Even last year when it was my birthday & the male spokes model insisted i be his ‘date’ for the night. He organised a dress & shoes & firmly linked my arm through his & dragged me out to the cameras & big wigs. I felt like a charity case all night, but it didn’t kill me & I have a lovely story to tell.
I can guarantee, there will not be a repeat performance.
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This made me think of the guy on X Factor who had the song ‘Introvert Extrovert Doesn’t Matter’!
Let’s face it – most people would rather be an extrovert than an introvert, it would make life a lot easier when it comes to social situations (yes, such as the dreaded Christmas party!), it would be easier to make friends, life would just generally be that little bit easier if you had no trouble speaking to people.
But unfortunately for a lot of people (me included!), no matter how hard we try to put ourselves out there, we’ll never be extroverted or ‘outgoing’ (god I hate that word). All our lives people tell us we need to try harder to talk to people, make an effort to speak up, and make no mistake these are good things to learn and will help you out in the long run, but it makes it sound like we’re never good enough and that we need to do things in order to make ourselves better.
I can clearly remember a time in primary school when I girl asked me why I was so quiet and that it was ‘freaky’ (to use her exact words!) and then I gave her a massive lecture – I was only in year 3, nerdling – on why it shouldn’t matter if I’m shy or not, that it was the way I was born and that I couldn’t change it, and that if she didn’t like it she could go and get – well, I won’t repeat what I said then but it definitely made her shut up quick smart.
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I have a few friends who I would describe as extroverts, and I don’t think they are better off. They are unable to spend any extended time alone without getting twitchy and uncomfortable. After a day of hanging out at home they go crazy and have to be around people again or they get anxious and lonely.
I think of it as the opposites of each other – extroverts don’t like to be alone for too long, and introverts don’t like to be with others for too long. Neither is easier or better. Introverts aren’t necessarily socially awkward or shy, they just like to be alone to recharge.
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Umm, are you me? Apart from the fact that you’re a performer and I’m, err, not…this sounded exactly like my attitude and feelings towards socialising. I absolutely love having a deep conversation with great friends – but I hate small talk and I really really despise loud, crowded venues where it’s a struggle to hear anything or be comfortable in general. I don’t consider myself a shy person at all – I could talk underwater if I had to – but mingling with new people is something that I find super draining and I really require alone time to regenerate.
I’m definitely one of those “I’m staying in tonight!” introverts! In fact, after weeks and weeks of Christmas functions, I actually AM staying in tonight and I am almost giddy with excitement.
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As far as I know, I’m not you! But I’m so glad you related to the article – that’s always the idea, when you share something personal like this. Introverts unite! (perhaps from behind a keyboard) xxx
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I am so thrilled about tonight because I am staying in – the perfect night I feel! And the icing on the cake, hubby is out so it is just my cat, “one born every minute”, “project runway” and myself! Bliss!
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I love how introversion is being reclaimed as a good thing! If this is you too, I recommend the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. It all makes sense after that.
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Thank you, I’ll definitely track down that book! Would love to read more about it. I also love how introversion is being claimed back – I hadn’t watched that video until today, it’s quite awesome. Thank you for reading xx
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Great article. I am also an introvert and definitely think that there needs to be more of a balance between accommodating introverts and extroverts. At the moment the scales are definitely tipped in favour of extroverts.
Rather than being accepted as they are, introverts are continuously told they need to be louder, speak up more, come out of their shell, etc (such as in a school classroom situation) – the underlying message is that they are not good enough and need to change. Extroversion is the supposed ideal – being bubbly, putting yourself out there, etc..
As Susan Cain has said, work environments are now also increasingly designed to suit extroverts with open plan offices, etc. I used to work in an office like this, sharing a work station with a very extroverted lady who always wanted to talk and was uncomfortable with long stretches of silence. With 8.5 hour days side by side I found it very hard to keep coming up with topics of conversation (although I didn’t want to seem rude by not saying enough..) This became an added stress when I was working and I realized I work far better when it is quiet and I have my own space to think, without constantly being surrounded by other people.
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Totally agree about constantly being told to come out of the shell etc. I’m not in a shell, this is me! This is who I am!
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Thank you so much, I’m really glad you liked the article. You know, I think the workplace might actually begin to change, in a way that will help the more introverted among us. People will start to work flexible hours and work from home – they say the physical office building might be extinct in the next decade or so! So, more of a chance to make your own space and privacy, if that’s what you need. xxx
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Perhaps extraverts are constantly being told they’re too loud and that they need to be quieter? I know I was at school! Meanwhile the quiet ones were always the teachers pets! I don’t think life is easy for anyone and probably most kids are told they should be more this or less that by adults because none of us are perfect.
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Absolutely spot on Kate. Your article resonated with me, particularly right now as I’m staring down the barrel of my son starting a new primary school in January. All those new mothers! Playground swallow me now!! But I know it will be fine. IT WILL BE FINE!! (repeat. gulp wine. repeat)
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Michelle, I’m so delighted the article resonated with you. That’s all i can hope for, as a writer, that it’ll resonate with someone out there. So I’m really plased, and thank you for saying so.
Ooh good luck with the new school! I think it really will be fine! Little kids can provide all sorts of good excuses… xx
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hate how there is so much pressure for everyone to be an extrovert these days. Could you imagine living in a world full of extroverts???? no thankyou. I think the world needs inroverts for balance.
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So very true… thankyou Kate. Susan Cain’s book is my best book of the year & i do love nothing more than I night in with a good book. I love my friends too but I can’t wait till Christmas is over and I can get on with what makes me happiest… a little more quiet time.
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Being extroverted doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the confidence in the world to rock up to a party by yourself. I am extroverted, ie I get my energy from other people and usually think out loud rather than process things internally, but I am just as scared as the next person about meeting new people, going to parties or being in large groups where I don’t know anyone.
The world needs all types of people, extroverts and introverts, otherwise things would get really messy!
Great story
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This is such a wonderful article. I’m a dag too, and learning to be fine with that. It’s totally ok not to like parties! There are plenty of other ways of having good time, with or without others. Just got to be brave and make your own way.
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HK! Thank you so much, I couldn’t agree more with your comment that we’ve got to be brave and make our own way. Beautiful life motto, really. Thanks for reading xx
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I really admire my introvert friends and their complete comfort with being in their own company.
I felt Susan Cain’s speech was unnecessarily condescending. There’s no need to paint extroverts as needy unintelligent attention seekers, just like there’s no need to paint introverts as lonely hermits.
She really lost me here:
“Introverts get better grades and are more knowledgeable, according to research”.
BULL. Which study are you referencing?!
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Awesome post and video.. Introverts rock!
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!! This article summed me up so perfectly, and made me feel a little more normal for frantically trying to make excuses to get out of 2 parties this weekend!
While I love being around friends, meeting for coffee/lunch/dinner. The idea of clubbing/parties/pubs etc freaks me out. I would so much rather sit at home watching movies and football or reading or cooking!
And as a 19 y.o I guess I don’t exactly fit the uni student stereotype, but whatever. I would rather be comfortable and happy at home, than anxious and nervous out trying to mingle.
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I’m a uni student and I’m exactly the same. I love spending time with friends, but am not into the uni party scene at all (one reason I’m glad I decided not to live on campus!)
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Oh Chelsea, I am so so pleased that my article helped in a little way! I think it’s so so important that you stay happy, and don’t feel the pressure to be the 19 y o uni party student. Let’s just say that when I was 19, I tried to fit that stereotype – and I really wish I hadn’t! Stay in, do what’s right for you! xxx
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I love this article. I like how honest Kate is and that is such a relief to me… weight off shoulders, yay!
Now I know there are others out there who’d prefer a glass of wine and a good book at home over going out to party and talking to people you don’t know, I feel emboldened to admit my introvert tendencies!
I ALWAYS put the pressure on myself to step outside my comfort zone, like last night. I went to a dinner where there was one lady I knew, and six I didn’t. It was OK, but SUCH hard work and I wanted to bail so many times beforehand. I admit, I met a few interesting people but overall, it wasn’t all that and a bag of chips.
I’m an introvert and that’s OK.
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Jemima! That’s the best online alias… My mum always used to talk about Jemima Puddleduck. What a cutie!
I’m so so so glad that the article helped you feel emboldened! The awesome thing about writing on mamamia is that you can always connect with readers who relate to what you write, so it’s lovely of you to let me know it had an effect on you. Thank you! We introverts gotsta stay together xxx
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It hits home with me – clip is well worth watching
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I’m with you. I hate going to parties where I hardly know anyone, I’m thankful that I usually have my fiance by my side but when left alone, I don’t know what to do. I’m so bad at small talk that people ask my questions and I can reply but I don’t know what to ask them, especially if I’ve never met them in my life and hardly know anything about them.
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Is it possible to be a combination of both? I think I definitely am.
I love being social, love going out with friends, love the company of good people. But I like and need time on my own too. Not much, just a bit sometimes.
With work related things I am an extrovert. Most people who know me would say I am an extrovert, but send me to a playground with my kids where there are other parents hanging out and I will do one of two things:
Recognise or get the vibe immediately that there will be someone (stranger) that I can very happily natter away to; or
Recognise or get the vibe that I would prefer to swing on the monkey bars with my kids.
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Snap, Cordeline! I call myself an ‘introverted extrovert’.
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The term is ambivert
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You could be an INFJ
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We don’t celebrate xmas, but my partner has agoraphobia, so this time of year can present us with challenges sometimes, most of all the crowds when out and about
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Out and proud introvert!
I’m busy thinking of excuses to get out of the work Christmas party early. I keep getting invitations to these ‘girls only’ restaurant nights that my beautician organises – and I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than go. My idea of bliss is a glass of wine and an Antiques Roadshow marathon on Saturday night.
I even dread going to my local Woolworths as there is always someone I know and I feel obliged to stop for small talk. I hate small talk. No one really cares and it’s just a time wasting slog – for us introverts anyway. I’d just love to be able to buy my box of Magnums in peace.
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